That Night When I Was Handed a Light | The Guilt of Not Being Able to Receive Is the Shadow of Your Sincerity
Give your heart a moment of breathing room.
Even if you don't bloom, you are beautiful.
Hello, I am Yukino.
That was back when I was still on the receiving end of support.
White steam was rising from a teacup in the counseling room.
Outside the window, someone was walking with an umbrella.
The sound of the drizzling rain could be heard quietly from afar.
In that silence, only the gentle expression of the person sitting across from me suddenly remained in my unfocused field of vision.
“Here you go.”
Even when offered like that, I started to reach out, but then stopped.
If I were to accept it,
I felt like I had to return something worthy of this warmth.
(For example, getting better right away, or responding with a smile)
Even though my throat was parched, I was a little afraid to reach for the teacup.
Deep in my chest, a small voice whispers.
“I’m sorry.”
“I haven’t done anything to deserve you giving me so much of your time.”
A night when being treated kindly makes me feel miserable.
A night when I am grateful, yet cannot accept it.
Do you have days like that, too?
The guilt of receiving
While listening to people’s stories, I have encountered words like these.
“I’m sorry for only talking about things like this.”
“I’m sorry for taking up your time.”
Every time I hear those words, a pain runs through me as if my heart is being squeezed.
Because I, too,
have said those same words over and over again.
Back when I was jumping from job to job.
Even when a friend invited me, saying, “Why don’t we have lunch sometime?”, I felt sorry because “they might end up paying for me.”
Even when a helping hand was extended, I was afraid of “being a burden.”
“I’m fine.”
“I’ll do it myself.”
Saying that, they withdrew the hand they had offered.
Even though there must have been days when I truly, desperately wanted help.
Permission to "not have to drink it"
A few months later.
During a meeting with a psychiatric social worker, I was once again frozen in front of a cup of warm tea that had been offered to me.
Then, the person sitting across from me looked down at the teacup and said quietly.
"Yukino-san. It is okay if you do not drink it."
Huh?
I looked up, and they continued.
"Just holding it in both hands is fine.
It is enough to just warm your cold hands with that warmth."
With those words, the tension in my shoulders, which had been so tight, suddenly eased.
Before I knew it, I had convinced myself that
"to accept = to drink it all and get better immediately."
But for me at that time, when I was falling apart, meeting that expectation was too heavy.
Tentatively, I touched the ceramic with my fingertips.
It had a gentler roundness than I had imagined.
When I wrapped both hands around it, the warmth slowly spread to my palms through the thickness of the ceramic.
It is okay not to drink it.
It does not have to be everything.
It is enough to do only what you can right now.
Even if I cannot accept everything, even if I cannot give anything back.
Just feeling the warmth that is there.
For those few seconds, the "I'm sorry" deep in my chest quieted down a little.
Guilt is the shadow of sincerity
After a while, the person asked me suddenly.
"If you thought the other person was 'insignificant,' would guilt be born?"
I was startled.
Guilt is born because you care about the other person.
"I don't want to treat this poorly."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"If I can, I want to return this properly."
Because feelings like those are like a 'light' deep within your heart.
The stronger that light is, the deeper the shadow of guilt falls.
The fact that the shadow is deep means this:
It just means the light within you is that much stronger.
For example, feeling 'sorry' when turning down an invitation from a friend is proof that you value that friend.
If it were someone you didn't care about, guilt wouldn't arise.
A night filled with guilt is a night where there is a 'light' of kindness within you.
Because having a shadow is proof that there is a light.
That shadow might just be the gentle proof that you care for someone.
To accept is to provide a place to belong
Then, as more time passed and I was able to work a little bit at a time.
One day, when I was working overtime, a senior colleague quietly handed me a warm drink.
When I reflexively said, 'I'm sorry, I feel bad,'
my senior looked at me with a slightly lonely expression and said this:
'Yukino-san. If you don't accept it, my "desire to support you" has nowhere to go.'
Those words still remain in my heart today.
I used to think that 'not being a burden' was kindness.
But perhaps not accepting it was actually...
making the other person's kindness hit a 'dead end.'
Only when there is someone to receive it,
does kindness become 'complete' and find a place to belong.
By you reaching out your hand,
someone's 'desire to support' finds a place to go.
Accepting is not taking.
It is gently handing over a 'place to belong' for kindness.
For example, likereturning only a 'thank you'to the other person's 'desire to support.'
That might be a quiet gift that we can give when we are feeling weak.
[A Fragment for Tonight]
If you happen to have a warm drink in your hands tonight.
Why not whisper to yourself that you don't have to drink it?
You don't have to take a single sip.
Just gently wrap your hands around the cup.
Slowly feel the warmth being transmitted to your palms.
"Warm"
Quietly savor just that.
That alone is enough for today.
If a feeling of "I'm sorry" appears.
You don't need to chase it away.
"Ah, I truly care about the other person."
"There is a light of sincerity within me."
Just quietly acknowledging that is enough for today.
The nights you cannot accept are also part of your beauty.
The nights you cannot reach out are also part of your sincerity.
The days you are in the light.
The days you are in the shadows.
I want this to be a place where you can always receive the light.
Even if you do not bloom, you are beautiful.
Until we meet here again.
Yukino
[Welcome to Cocomichi's "Library of the Heart"]
I hope this article has brought even a little bit of space to your heart.
At "Cocomichi," I hope to continue delivering peace of mind and small realizations to you.
🌸 If you are looking for the next article to read
【If you are unsure, start here】
You can find your next book based on how you are feeling right now.
【 Branches and leaves close to your heart 】
□ Kindness is not something to be returned, but something to be circulated
→ [ Kindness is breathing ]
□ When the well of the heart is full, it naturally overflows
→ [ What quietly overflows from a fulfilled heart ]
□ Gently staying by your side on nights when you cannot ask for help
→ [ On nights when you cannot say help me ]
□ If you want to know the emotions hidden deep within guilt
→ [ Emotions are gentle translators ]
To search for more articles:
→ [ 📚 Library of the Heart: Exploration Guide ]