[How to Build a Life from 36] #17 I Was Swallowed by the Magic of the City. It Was a Countdown to Collapse

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This is the 17th article starting from this introduction.

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The story so far in 10 seconds

The Chick Blog once again

I had a habit of sprinting toward something else to fill the void whenever something didn't go well.

Illustration work wasn't coming in.
Picture book proposals weren't being accepted.
Looking at reality, I hadn't achieved a single thing.

Even so—I was so lightheaded that the fact felt like someone else's business.

The "Chick Blog" had become popular, and in practical terms, a "book deal" was getting closer. Publishers interested in turning it into a book had also appeared.

At this time, I felt a response. I had "fans." My ranking wasn't bad, and I received comments. When I held an exhibition, several people came to see me. That sight lifted my heart and made me "giddy."

But, of course, it wasn't going to be that easy. Once again, the project quietly fizzled out.

A children's book editor who didn't handle comic essays even introduced me to a manga publisher. Even so, "Chick, You Know" never saw the light of day.

Why? I analyzed it in my own way. My manga, for better or worse, lacked "poison." It also lacked punch. That might have been the reason.

I had finally hit a wall with the blog that had once saved me.

At that moment, the pit of my stomach sank a little. But that, too, was only for a fleeting moment.

Because, after all, I still had a "next trump card" up my sleeve.

The Path to Becoming a Milliner

It was 'hat-making,' which I had started learning as a hobby.

I never intended to make hats my profession, but before I knew it, I was assisting my teacher and selling hats at exhibitions.

It wasn't that I was particularly skilled. I just think that when it came to 'love for hats,' I was second to none.

And then, a 'patron' appeared for me. It was M, a reader of my blog.

She was a woman with a glamorous background who took a liking to my hats, giving me gifts, treating me to meals, and buying up all the remaining hats on the final day of my exhibitions.

Every time she did, my heart would feel like it was floating.

—Could it be that I might actually make it?

That sweet premonition gradually spread through my heart.

But the existence of a patron wasn't just sweet.

As we grew closer, she began to interfere in my private life, and when her own love life hit a rough patch, she drifted away from my blog as well.

For the first time, I felt as if a small hole had opened deep inside my chest.

The 'Magic' of the City of Tokyo

In 2010, a year passed while I was still floating on air. I still had no job, but every day looked sparkling with the premonition that something was about to happen.

I would stride through the city wearing a hat with my kimono, clinking glasses at networking events where celebrities gathered.

Looking back now, Tokyo wasn't a fantasy; it was a city inhabited by a cruel 'monster.'

It made me, a nobody, bite into a poisoned apple that whispered, 'Aren't you a special person?' and let me comfortably delude myself.

That was the kind of magic that city possessed.

My husband collapses

At that time, my husband was struggling with work and his chronic illness. While he was filled with nothing but anxiety, I, his wife, was oblivious and frivolous, not even working. Selling hats at the occasional exhibition didn't even contribute to our household finances.

In 2011, around the start of the year, my husband, who had always been such a hard worker, began taking time off from work frequently.

Could it be a serious illness? What if he dies...? When I became anxious, he told me an unexpected reason.

"I'm sorry for worrying you. I'm going through steroid withdrawal."

Steroid withdrawal—I didn't know the meaning of that term at the time.

The beginning of a life of battling illness

He was a patient with quite severe atopic dermatitis.

Steroid withdrawal refers to stopping steroid treatment, which is the standard treatment for atopy, and treating it using a different method.

(*There are pros and cons to steroids, and many patients decide to undergo steroid withdrawal due to anxiety about long-term use. As this is a sensitive issue, I will state here that there is no intention to condemn steroids as evil.)

At the time, my only knowledge of atopic dermatitis was that it was "a disease where you get rashes on your skin and it gets itchy."

However, atopy is not such a simple disease. In the most severe cases, it becomes difficult to even lead a normal life.

Later, I would come to know that atopy treatment is a bottomless swamp that uproots and steals away a person's dignity, body temperature, and peaceful daily life.

Let's return to the day he confessed about his steroid withdrawal.

After he opened up to me about his illness, he began to shake violently. No matter how many blankets I piled on him, he would moan, "I'm cold, I'm cold," and collapse into bed.

The fateful March 11th

Thus, the greatest trial of our lives—a desperate battle with atopy—began.

But perhaps, the greatest trial is what brings the greatest opportunity.

Little did I know at the time that this very darkness of rock bottom would eventually bestow upon me 'true joy'.

Just two months after the day my husband's personal world began to crumble.
This time, the very ground we were standing on would begin to collapse with a roar.

March 11, 2011.
That day completely tore our fate into 'before that day' and 'after that day'.

Continue reading here

A magazine collecting notes that detail all the know-how I cultivated as a freelancer over 20 years

A magazine compiling notes written about how to go about getting published

This is a magazine that compiles this series.

The details regarding my atopic dermatitis treatment at the time are in a book. It is a comic essay, so it is well-received for being easy to read.

Click here for the digital version