What does it mean to be 'in one's own way'?

Subtitle
Between one's character and one's individuality

Introduction

“They are doing their best in their own way.”

This phrase, while sounding kind, is a bit precarious.

It sounds as if we are acknowledging the other person's efforts.

However, at the same time, it can sometimes carry the implication that “they haven't reached the general standard.”

They are thinking in their own way.
They are loving in their own way.
They are trying to be sincere in their own way.
They are facing things in their own way.

When we say this, are we trying to understand the other person?

Or are we just placing them on a slightly lower level and tolerating them?

However, we need to pause here.

Is the phrase “in one's own way” truly a word of evaluation?

In Japanese, there is the word “hito-tonari” (character/personality).

“Hito-tonari” refers to a person's nature, temperament, behavior, and way of being.
In other words, “nari” (the way/form) is not merely a degree of ability.

How has that person become who they are?
What kind of form do they possess?
With what kind of habits do they touch the world?

It is a word that includes all of that.

If so, “in one's own way” is not inherently a phrase to look down on someone.

Isn't it a phrase for seeing a person in accordance with how they have come to be?

Chapter 1
“Nari” means the way one has come to be

At the center of the phrase “in one's own way” is “nari.”

Nari is the way of becoming.

At the center of the phrase “in one's own way” is “nari.”

Of course, this is not a discussion of strict etymology.

However, here I want to read this “nari” not as a mere degree or method, but as the person's “way of becoming.”

As the word “hito-tonari” suggests, people have a form in which they have become who they are.

The form in which something has become what it is.
Habits acquired over time.
Contours created by experience.
Conditions given by the environment.
How one is hurt, how one protects oneself, how one chooses, how one gives up.

People do not suddenly become who they are.

Family.
School.
Work.
Relationships.
Failure.
Loss.
Success.
Shame.
Memories of being loved.
Memories of not being loved.

Such things fold over one another to create the person's current form.

Therefore, “in one's own way” originally means something close to:

“This person is appearing this way within the context of how they have come to be.”

It is not about looking down on the other person.

It is about not judging them by simple standards.
When hearing the same words, some people can react immediately.

Some people remain silent for a while.

Some people deflect with a joke.

Some people protect themselves with anger.

Some people put on a blank face and think about it alone later.

These are not just differences in personality.

They are traces of how that person has interacted with the world until now.

Chapter 2
Understanding “in one's own way”

“In one's own way” is not a phrase to underestimate a person's ability.

Rather, it is a phrase to see the person within their own conditions.

For example, suppose someone apologized clumsily.

Their words are insufficient.
Their expression is stiff.
It lacks the depth we expected.
Even so, for that person, they may have summoned a great deal of courage.

At that moment,

“apologizing in their own way”

is not merely a compromise.

It is the recognition that “this person is trying to approach me in the form currently possible within their own way of being.”

Some people can only learn slowly.

They stumble in the same place many times.
From the perspective of those around them, they are slow.
They are inefficient.
However, they may be thinking, trying to learn, and continuing while carrying fear in their own way.

What is important at that time is

not to judge them by saying, “Normally, you could do more.”
It is to see what is happening within that person.

“In one's own way,” I think, is a phrase that attempts to see the inner movement that cannot be seen by external standards alone.

Chapter 3
The manifestation of “individuality”

Then, what is “individuality” (sonohito-rashisa)?

If “in one's own way” is an understanding based on how one has come to be,
“individuality” is the contour of that way of being as it appears outwardly.

A way of speaking that is typical of them.
A way of getting angry that is typical of them.
A kindness that is typical of them.
A way of maintaining distance that is typical of them.
A failure that is typical of them.
A way of remaining silent that is typical of them.

Individuality is not a one-time action.

It appears many times over time,
and those around them perceive, “Ah, this person touches the world in this form.”

Someone who immediately turns things into a laugh.
Someone who stays silent at the final line.
Someone who appears light on the surface but thinks deeply behind the scenes.
Someone who is clumsy but stays without running away.
Someone who looks strong but is actually easily hurt.

In that repetition, their individuality becomes visible.

Therefore, individuality is not just personality.

It is the person's way of being, repeated over time and seeping outward.

Chapter 4
The moment of slipping into evaluation

However, the phrase “in one's own way” easily slips into evaluation.

They are doing their best in their own way.
They are thinking in their own way.
They are doing it in their own way.

The reason this phrase sometimes sounds like it comes from above is that invisible standards are mixed in.

They really should be able to do more.
Normally, one could do this much.
They haven't reached my expectations.
But for them, they are doing it.

When such comparisons are mixed in, “in one's own way” becomes not a word of understanding, but a word of tolerance.

Of course, tolerance is not bad.

People are not always perfect.
There are times when we must accept the immaturity of others to some extent.

However, when an unconscious hierarchy is mixed in, the words become murky.

When we use the phrase “in one's own way,” we need to re-examine ourselves.

Am I seeing this person in accordance with how they have come to be?

Or am I just looking down slightly on someone who doesn't meet my standards?

This difference is significant.

The former is observation.
The latter is evaluation.

Chapter 5
“In my own way”: salvation and escape

The phrase “in one's own way” is not only used toward others.

We also use it often for ourselves.

I did my best in my own way.
I thought in my own way.
I faced it in my own way.
I tried to be sincere in my own way.

There is salvation in this phrase.

People cannot always do as they ideally would.
There are times when we cannot explain sufficiently.
There are times when we lack courage.
There are times when we lose to our emotions.
There are times when we look back and think there was a different way to say it.

Even so, within the conditions of myself at that time, I was certainly thinking.

I didn't just run away.

Even while incomplete, I was trying to take on something.

At that time,

“I did it in my own way”

becomes a support to avoid blaming myself too harshly.

This is not necessarily self-indulgence.

Acknowledging one's own limits.
Acknowledging one's best at that point in time.
Acknowledging that I responded somehow with the materials, time, physical strength, understanding, and experience I had at the time.

That is self-understanding necessary to move forward.

But at the same time, “in my own way” can also become an escape.

I did it in my own way, so it can't be helped.
I thought about it in my own way, so that's enough.
I was sincere in my own way, so I don't know how the other person took it.
I did my best in my own way, so I don't want you to ask about the results.

The moment one says that, one may not only be protecting oneself but also stopping oneself.

“In my own way” can be the entrance to reflection.
However, it can also be an excuse to end reflection.

This is where it gets difficult.

If one does not acknowledge what one did in one's own way, one will collapse.
But if one is satisfied only with what one did in one's own way, one will not change.

Therefore, what is truly necessary, I think, is to separate

acknowledging what one did in one's own way from
re-questioning whether it was sufficient.

I did it in my own way.

That may be a fact.

But did it reach the other person?
Did reality improve even a little because of it?
Can I respond a little differently next time because of it?
Is that “in my own way” in the middle of growth, or is it an excuse for stagnation?

We must look at this.

“In my own way” is not a phrase to absolve oneself.

It is a phrase to know one's current location.

Knowing one's current location is not about blaming oneself.

However, it is also not about staying still while knowing one's location.

I could only do it in my own way.

That is precisely why I will look for a slightly different form next time.

When this attitude exists, “in my own way” becomes salvation.

Conversely,

when it becomes “I did it in my own way, so I don't need to ask anymore,”

“in my own way” becomes an escape.

People break if they blame themselves too much.
But they also become dull if they forgive themselves too much.

Between those two, we must look at ourselves.

Living in one's own way is not about indulging in one's limits.
It is about understanding how one has come to be, and yet, little by little, updating the form of one's response.

In that sense, “in my own way” is not the end point.

It is a temporary line showing how far the current self has come.

Acknowledging that line.
And not making that line absolute.

Therein lies the difficulty of living in one's own way.

Chapter 6
The danger of trapping people with “individuality”

On the other hand, there is also danger in “individuality.”

That's typical of them.
Because that person is that kind of person.
I thought they would do that if it were them.
Well, that's typical of them, isn't it?

These words, while appearing to understand the other person, can sometimes trap them in a past form.

People change.

Someone who used to protect themselves with anger may gradually become able to wait in silence.

Someone who used to run away may one day stand without running.

Someone who used to let things slide lightly may come to accept things deeply triggered by an event.

Even so, if those around them keep saying,

“Because that person is that kind of person,”

that person's changes become invisible.

Individuality is the contour that has been visible from the past to the present.

However, that contour is not a fixed cage.

People live while updating their individuality little by little.

Therefore, if you truly want to see the other person,
you must not trap them within their individuality while acknowledging it.

Chapter 7
Seeing and observing

Seeing a person is easy.

See their actions.
See their words.
See their results.
See their abilities.
See their attitude.

However, observing (kan-ru) a person is a little more difficult.

See the way of being behind that action.
See the hesitation before those words.
See the conditions leading to that result.
See what that attitude was acquired to protect.

Seeing is receiving the surface.
Observing is receiving the time as well, I think.

The phrase “in one's own way” is an entrance for observing.

Why does this person react this way?
Why can they only approach at this distance?
Why do these words come out?
Why do they remain silent here?
Why do they suddenly become passionate only here?

When you try to see that far,
“in one's own way” ceases to be a mere evaluation.

It becomes an attitude of trying to understand how that person touches the world.

Chapter 8
What one has lived in one's own way becomes one's individuality

“In one's own way” is a manifestation based on current conditions.
“Individuality” is that manifestation repeated over time, appearing to those around as a contour.

These two are different things, but they are connected.

Thinking in one's own way.
Hesitating in one's own way.
Getting hurt in one's own way.
Loving in one's own way.
Running away in one's own way.
Returning in one's own way.

Such repetitions eventually become visible as individuality.

Therefore, individuality is not something that is complete from birth.

It is the traces of having lived in one's own way, formed over time.

And there is always room for change there.

People cannot completely choose how they have come to be.
However, how one accepts that way of being can be changed little by little.

Therefore, when we say “in one's own way,” we are looking at the other person's present.
When we say “individuality,” we are looking at the other person's time.

However, in either case, we must not forget.

People are still on the way.

Conclusion
Observing a person's character without closing them off

'In their own way' is not a phrase used to look down on someone.

It is, fundamentally, a phrase used to view someone in accordance with how they have come to be.

However, if your own standards are mixed in, it becomes an evaluation.

If you define the limits of the other person, it becomes condescension.

It can also become a phrase that fixes the other person in place while wearing the mask of kindness.

'Their own way' (or 'their individuality') is the same.

It can help in grasping the contours of the other person.

But you must not trap the other person within those contours.

A person's character is not a finished product.

It is what has come to be.
It is what is still in the process of becoming.
It is what might head toward a different form in the future.

Therefore, to observe a person is, I believe,
to not belittle their present state in their own way,
to not overlook the repetition of their individuality,
and yet to leave room for them to change.

The way they live in their own way becomes their individuality over time.

However, that individuality is not the end.

People are always continuing to become.

Aside

In this article, I have considered the meanings and the dangers of the phrases 'in their own way' and 'their individuality'.

However,

There is also the phrase 'for them,' which has already fallen into the realm of evaluation.

I think this is a phrase that makes one realize that while it may seem like you are re-evaluating the person, in reality, you have already judged them in the past.

I believe this is an important point that would have been worth adding as extra chapters between chapters 3 and 4, and between chapters 6 and 7.

And I think there is also the reserved phrase, 'as for them.'

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