Witches' Afternoon Tea
Now that I've entered my 30s,
I sometimes find myself coming to a standstill.
When I was a student, there were schools I wanted to attend
and careers I wanted to pursue.
I moved forward without any hesitation.
My dreams came true, and though my days were busy,
they were fulfilling.
After my children were born, I then became a mother,
and I gave my all to my children in my own way.
There was always a 'destination' right in front of me.
But now, my youngest is in their middle year of preschool,
and in a little over a year, they will all be in elementary school.
Right now, I don't know where I'm headed,
and I'm struggling.
Even before that, I haven't been able to find myself.
What is my own worth?
What do I possess?
Sometimes I feel like I am shallow.
The trigger is always something trivial.
Recently, it was when I was asked
if I would like to become a full-time employee.
It is true that I felt happy to be recognized.
If I am going to become a full-time employee,
perhaps this is the right timing.
Both in terms of my age
and the rhythm of my children's lives.
However, I don't feel I have the capacity
to balance home and work.
That is when I always feel empty.
I am someone who cannot become anything.
Recently,
the fact that my single friends have moved on to new stages
is also one of the triggers for this emotional instability.
It's not that I'm dissatisfied with my current job.
I've been entrusted with a leadership role,
and it is rewarding.
I am blessed with good relationships,
the hourly wage is good enough to keep me happy,
and it's easy to take time off.
Surely, I am more than blessed enough.
Even so, I sometimes think,
is it okay to keep working for an hourly wage like this?
It's as if I am the only one
standing still in the same place.
What am I heading toward?
I am still a mother.
I am also working.
My days are moving along just fine.
And yet, I feel anxious.
Am I a person of real value?
What is left of me after subtracting the youth that was equally given to me in my 20s?
I feel like I need to have some kind of 'certainty' at the age of 30,
and it makes me impatient.
There are words I encountered at such a time:
'What is a jewel to you might be just a pebble to someone else.'
Perhaps it was I who was obsessed
with visible value.
Perhaps I was just caring more than necessary
about what others think.
The trust I've built at work,
the roughly ten years I've spent supporting my family's life,
and the rich time I've gained through reading.
Even if the ratio and intensity are different for everyone,
they might be my own certain value.
The one who decides whether it's a jewel
is surely not others, but myself.
Life is wonderful.
That's just how life is.
In stories, the protagonists who are lost drink tea.
The aroma of the tea, the dancing tea leaves, and the tea food.
The teaware, the space, and the time flowing there,
everything quietly unravels the heart.
What matters is not advice, but
being heard.
To look at what you truly want
without being rushed.
I think your 30s are a time
when the labels of titles and youth begin to peel away.
Feeling anxious is proof that you haven't given up on yourself yet,
and even now, while you are lost, you are surely in the middle of choosing yourself again.
And your value is not in the name of your role,
but in the time you have accumulated.
There is no need to rush for an answer.
For now, it is okay to remain lost.
I think I will start by brewing a cup of tea for myself.
Come, let us have some tea and continue to talk about happy things.
(Come now, let's keep talking about happy things while we drink tea.)
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