To families who feel guilty about placing a parent in a care facility

I feel guilty about putting my parent in a facility.

This is a sentiment I have heard many times from families providing care. These feelings are very natural, and I believe they are proof of how much you care for your loved one.

However, having observed this for a long time in the field, I have come to realize something. Continuing to push yourself while carrying guilt does not necessarily lead to a good outcome for the person you are caring for. In this article, I would like to help you sort through these feelings a little.

Is it true that "a facility equals doing something bad to your parent"?

I think the root of the guilt about placing someone in a facility often lies in the image that "a facility is a sad place." But is that really the case?

Sometimes you cannot know what is best for the person until their life there actually begins. In my experience in the field, there are many cases where the person clearly became healthier after moving into a facility.

From actual experience in the field. I would like to introduce a case I was involved in.

The smile my mother showed at the Christmas party

There was a daughter who felt strong guilt about placing her mother in a facility. Home care had already reached its limit, and because there was a risk of both of them collapsing, the care manager and counselor asked for the mother to be placed in a facility in a way that was close to persuasion.

Even after the admission, the daughter came to visit every day. The daughter, who happened to visit on the day of the Christmas party, ended up observing the event.

What the daughter saw there was her mother singing happily and smiling as she received a present. The daughter said, while shedding tears, "I never saw this expression when she was at home. I am so glad I put her here."

Many families feel that putting a parent in a facility is "doing something bad to them." But I believe that the daughter collapsing from reaching her limit would have been the saddest thing for the mother.

Cases where options were lost as a result of waiting until after the limit was exceeded

On the other hand, there are cases where, as a result of avoiding facility admission due to guilt, the situation became irreversible.

A daughter who continued home care while saying, "I will never put her in a facility," eventually fell into a state of depression. Suddenly, it became difficult to continue care, and the mother was admitted to a facility as an emergency measure.

There was absolutely no time to visit facilities or choose carefully. They were forced into a situation where they had no choice but to enter a "facility that could take her immediately."

If they had acted while they still had some leeway, there would have been more options. Postponing a decision out of guilt can sometimes create a situation that is not good for the person themselves.

A mother who became visibly healthier after entering a facility

This is a case where a mother living alone developed dementia and symptoms resembling depression. The daughter made and delivered meals every day, but although the mother would say she had "eaten," the food remained almost untouched.

Seeing her mother's nutritional status rapidly deteriorate and her weight drop, the care manager also recommended facility admission.

Although there was some resistance at the beginning of the stay, they began eating three full meals a day while living in a regular, structured rhythm. After just a month, their complexion improved, their smiles increased, and vitality returned to their daily life.

The daughter said, 'I had some resistance toward the facility, but seeing my mother looking so well, I wish I had asked for help sooner.'

Feeling guilty is not a bad thing

Feeling guilty about placing someone in a facility is not a bad thing at all. I believe it is an emotion that arises precisely because you care so deeply about them.

However, I want you to be careful not to let yourself be overwhelmed by guilt to the point where you exceed your own limits.

The fact that family members are physically and mentally healthy also leads to the peace of mind of the person themselves. 'Placing them in a facility' does not mean 'letting go.' Even if the location changes, the feeling of wanting to be by your family member's side should not change.

In conclusion

Choosing to place someone in a facility is not running away. I believe it is one of the important decisions made to choose a better environment for the person.

If you are hesitant, please first try talking to a care manager or a facility counselor. Even just taking a tour can change your image of the facility.

The feeling of continuing to think about what you can do for your loved one will surely reach them as well.

Please take a look at this article as well if you like