7 Months Off Effexor | 2 Months in Remission from Depression | 2 Years and 4 Months of Treatment

Medication Dosage

Effexor: Discontinued
Sleeping pill: Dayvigo (10mg) *Maintained

Number of Consultations

Consultation (34th visit)

This is how the past month went

I have generally been able to secure enough sleep time.
However, the quality is not stable.
I feel like the effects of tapering off Effexor are still lingering in my body.
Even though seven months have already passed.

There are days when I feel I slept well. On the other hand, there are nights when I wake up repeatedly due to the heat or physical discomfort.
Dreams are fragmented; there are days I remember them, but often they vanish the moment I wake up.

I have learned that my sleep quality clearly changes when I engage with music or movies that stir my emotions.
The troublesome part is that I am unexpectedly and strongly moved by works I never anticipated.
It affects my sleep directly, to a degree that surprises even me.

The body is honest.
Tinnitus, heaviness in the head, autonomic nervous system imbalance.
The presence or absence of these symptoms clearly distinguishes my good days from my not-so-good days.

Even so, my brain, taking all of that into account, judges my current state as
“neither good nor bad”
at the moment.

This summer was hot, as expected.
Perhaps because of that, days where the lethargy wouldn't go away continued.
When such days continue, I get anxious, wondering, “Have I relapsed?”

Even so, I visit towns I've never been to, go to see people I want to meet,
talk a lot with others when I'm in the mood,
and then withdraw again.
In that cycle, the moments where I feel I am “recovering” have gradually increased.

However, as my interactions with people increase, the moments where my heart is stirred also increase.
Even during fun times, I can tell that my brain is definitely fatigued.

Within me,
the desire to “connect with others,” and
the desire to “keep my distance because I'm not in the mood right now,”
are alternately and surely increasing in presence.

I feel hesitant about involving others.
But there are parts of me that cannot be satisfied unless I do involve others.
Honestly, I find that troublesome.

Even while such changes are occurring,
I am keeping my lifestyle habits as fixed as possible,
not adding new things,
and valuing the act of calmly continuing my routine.

Work, study, CrossFit, strength training.

Even if I don't feel like it, I try starting for just one minute.
Then, strangely, I can manage to do it to some extent.
I feel like I have come to understand my brain's condition better than before through work and study.

Exercise is particularly notable.
Once I start moving my body, I naturally enter the zone.
That sensation of my thoughts clearing up after finishing is irresistible.
I have the realization that I am indirectly accessing my brain through my body to organize my thoughts and emotions.

I am also steadily continuing my studies for the real estate exam.
However, no matter how hard I try, thirty minutes is the limit.
Beyond that, my brain clearly refuses to absorb any more information.

"No matter how many times I read it, I can't understand what it says."
That is the state I am in.

"Right now, I cannot process a lot of information at once."
I try to accept that.
Even so, honestly, it gets me down. I feel anxious.

I know I have no choice but to do what I can.
But there is so little sense of progress that I have absolutely no confidence.

The exam on the day will be two hours long.
Will my brain be able to endure that?

Previous story

Next story

Sharing my experience with depression treatment through videos