Sleep when you feel sleepy | 2 years and 9 months of depression treatment

This is my 40th consultation since I started treatment for depression.
I am now standing at a major crossroads.

If I organize my current status, it looks something like this.

• Effexor (antidepressant): 1 year since discontinuation

• Dayvigo (sleeping pill): 2 months since discontinuation

"Sleep when you feel sleepy."

I was caught off guard by those words from my doctor in the consultation room.
Looking back, for years I had been forcing myself to sleep mechanically.

Every night at 10:30 PM, I would take my sleeping pill and get into bed.
Nights where I forcibly shut down my consciousness with medication became so routine that
the very natural biological act of
"feeling sleepiness come on naturally" had been left behind somewhere.

Surprisingly,
two months after stopping Dayvigo, my body is starting to remember its original rhythm little by little.
I no longer impulsively buy and stuff myself with Sapporo Potato snacks or ice cream at late-night convenience stores like I used to.

This month, I only relied on Dayvigo for 8 days.
I fall asleep within an hour, and my average sleep time is about 6 hours and 30 minutes.
That unpleasant feeling that "something is off" is fading from my brain.

Before I knew it,
a year had passed since I stopped taking Effexor.

The one-year barrier after stopping medication, which is said to have a 60% relapse rate,
I had crossed without even realizing it.

The psychiatric clinic I kept visiting for maintenance
might be ready for me to graduate from soon.

Perhaps I have been a little too stoic lately.

I go to a CrossFit gym, lift heavy barbells, and bang my shins on box jumps.

My result for the "2026 CrossFit Open" was 89,659th in the world rankings.
I was confronted with the numbers showing my lack of physical strength.

But I am continuing to train steadily for next year.

In personal training,
there were days when I felt discouraged because
the weights I used to be able to lift wouldn't budge.

Even though I know it's overtraining,
there is a sense of "being alive" that I can only confirm by pushing my body to the limit.

However, I might need to enter a phase of strategically "resting" my body soon.

Just like when I "strategically rested" my brain
to cure my depression and sleep disorder.

When I saw the "Ghost in the Shell" exhibition at Toranomon Hills the other day,
I found myself lost in thought.

"Cyborg bodies and cyberbrains"

If you pack it into a physical body, there are limits,
and if you discard the body, the individual becomes ambiguous.

Just how much of my current ego is actually "me"?

The ringing in my ears still hasn't stopped.
However, I am in a process of constant renewal,
where even that noise is a part of who I am.

Lately, I have a feeling that even that ringing
is gradually calming down.

I am far from "in perfect shape."
But the scenery I see is clearly different
from when I was in the pitch-black darkness of the past.

How much have I recovered, and what is too much for me now?
My next "solo trip" to explore that is about to begin.

It's been so long that I feel a little restless.
But even that nervousness feels like a necessary piece of who I am now.

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