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Woman™ Version 51.0“Thank you for updating to Woman™ 51.0. This release includes important security updates, several unexpected hardware changes, a completely redesigned relationship with alcohol, and expanded support for saying ‘absolutely not’ without explaining yourself.” -
The Free Trial
by Franz Kafka“Welcome, Joseph K., to ChuckPhD! Your 30-day free trial starts now! Put the awesome power of AI to work for you today.” -
When You Really Think About It, Everything Makes You Poop (by Taylor Farms)
“Today, everyone sees the name Taylor Farms and suddenly becomes the Hercule Poirot of the commode. You had our guacamole at noon. You experienced what you describe as a bowel emergency of unprecedented violence at 12:07. Case closed, you say.” -
Welcome Aboard Svelte Airlines—Except You, the Fat Passenger in Seat 49C
“Please sit in your assigned seat. Unless the person next to you doesn’t like that. Ultimately, the person to your left will decide whether you sit in the seat that you paid for or be deplaned in a humiliating perp walk.” -
Clinical Notes from Medusa’s Primary Care Provider Who Suspects Menopause
“Diagnosis is uncomplicated menopausal transition. Differential diagnoses include perimenopause, estrogen deficiency-induced menopause, silent menopause, occult menopause, artificial menopause, and, less likely, mythic transformation.”
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August 6, 2026Things I Hope People Would Say at My Funeral
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July 30, 2026A Field Guide to Legacy Media Pundits in the United States
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July 20, 2026I Watched the Copa Mundial Non-Stop on Telemundo for Cinco Weeks and Now I Don’t Hablar Inglés Anymore
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August 7, 2026Imagined Conversations Between My Parents While on a Family Vacation
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July 31, 2026A Packing List for the Woman I Will Become on My Summer Vacation to Cape Cod
Latest from Carlos Greaves
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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August 4, 2026Is it AuDHD… or Are You Just Strange? A Seventeen Magazine–Style Quiz for Millennials
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July 31, 2026An Interview with Dave Eggers About His New Novel, Contrapposto
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July 30, 2026Only Plants
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July 28, 2026Short Conversations with Poets: Carolina Ebeid
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July 23, 2026Underwater Existentialism
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July 22, 2026Reviews of New Food: Aldi Crystal Clear Frozen Ice Cubes
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July 18, 2026Democrats Need to Win Back Voters by Becoming Republicans
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