I used to think that feeling unwell before a fun event was because 'I am weak'.
I have eaten afternoon tea while crying.
Friends I made after becoming an adult.
Before I knew it, we had been friends for nearly 10 years.
That day, the three of us coordinated our schedules and went to afternoon tea at a newly opened hotel.
Cute sweets and delicious tea.
Talking about our recent lives and laughing at silly things.
We were spending a happy time together, just like always.
But back then,
there was something I hadn't been able to tell the two of them.
It was about my panic disorder.
I was afraid to tell them.
I was always cheerful and bright in front of them.
That's why I couldn't tell them.
I felt like something would change if I did.
• I might make them worry
• They might think I'm a burden
• Our relationship might change
Thinking only about things like that,
I tried my best to be the 'normal me'.
The moment my inner child pushed me forward
I didn't go there that day with the resolve to confess.
It was just that, suddenly,
I thought, 'Maybe it would be okay to tell these people.'
I felt like my inner child said that.
'Actually, I've had panic disorder for a long time.'
The tension inside me unraveled
There was a silence for a while,
and the two of them said quietly,
'It must have been hard for you until now.'
'I'm sorry I didn't notice.'
'Thank you for telling us.'
The moment I heard those words,
I remember the tension in my whole body suddenly fading away.
I felt like I could finally put down the heavy burden
I had been carrying all by myself.
Everyone carries pain they don't show others
Then, the two of them told me about the pain they had carried in their own lives.
I had always envied them.
They had so many things I didn't have,
and I thought they probably didn't have any worries they were carrying alone.
But that wasn't true at all.
Everyone, in their own way,
was living while gritting their teeth in places they didn't show others.
Before I knew it, we were talking while crying.
The 90-minute afternoon tea passed in the blink of an eye, and there were still many sweets left on our plates.When the staff member said,
'This is the last order for tea,'
we hurriedly drank our tea with teary eyes,
and stuffed our cheeks with sweets while our noses were red.
It was far from an elegant time,
but I don't think I will ever forget that day.
I used to get sick before fun plans
For a long time,
the more I looked forward to a plan,
the more I would get sick the day before.
Even though they were plans I really wanted to go to,
when the day before arrived,
• My stomach would get upset
• My breathing would become shallow from anxiety
• My head would feel heavy
And without fail,
I would start looking for reasons not to go.
I had repeated that over and over again.
The real reason I felt distressed before fun plans
Now, I finally understand something.
I had always thought that I was afraid of meeting people.
I thought I was afraid of going out.
That's why I thought I felt distressed every time.
But that was wrong.
The real reason was,
• I might have a sudden panic attack and ruin the fun time with people I care about.
• What if I get sick halfway through and cause trouble for them?It wasn't that I didn't want to go.
Rather, because I cherished that time so much,
I would anticipate the trouble I might cause before it even happened,
and my body and mind would become heavy and distressed.
Thinking back, ever since I was about five years old,
I thought it was better to endure things myself than to make my mother worry.
Even when I really wanted help, I would say 'I'm fine,'
and even when I was struggling, I would force myself to smile.
The cheerful and bright me is the normal me,
and the me that shows weakness and causes worry is a bad me.
I feel that this way of thinking, which I adopted to protect myself when I was young,
is the very reason
why I end up feeling distressed or scared.
I was confused because I couldn't just enjoy things like everyone else.
If you feel that you get sick before an exciting event, I want you to know this.
Please know that it is not because you are weak.
It is because you have someone that precious to you.
It is because you have time that is that precious to you.
It is because there is something you don't want to lose.
It means that your mind and body are tense because you are trying your hardest to protect that time.
Before you think, 'I failed again,' please try asking yourself just once:
'What am I afraid of right now?'
It is okay even if you don't find the answer.
Why can I say that?
Because even now, before an exciting event,
anxiety sometimes shows its face.
But at those times, I have learned to listen to my heart little by little,
without rushing or blaming myself.
To you, for whom working hard was the norm
I cannot make anxiety or tension disappear.
Even so, in my long journey of living with panic,
there are small methods that have helped me.
If you feel anxious about your health
the day before an event you are looking forward to,
first, try taking
one slow sip of your favorite drink.
At times like that,
I drink warm hojicha.
When I focus on the sensation of the warmth slowly going down my throat and into my stomach,
I feel as if the anxiety that had swollen up like a big balloon
is shrinking just a little bit.
And please try gently touching the places where you feel anxious, such as your chest, stomach, or head, with both hands.
'Oh, I see. I'm just really looking forward to tomorrow, aren't I?'
Just by saying that out loud to yourself,
you will feel your body and mind start to relax little by little.
I am waiting here
The fact that you have read this article
up to this point
means that you, too,
may have had times you couldn't tell anyone about and had to carry alone.
I, too, carried it alone
for a long time.
That is why I understand now.
People don't talk because they have become strong; rather,
'Maybe I'll try talking to this person.'
When such a small feeling is born,
they open their hearts little by little.
If you have such a small voice inside your heart right now,
it is okay to keep your anxiety and tension just as they are.
When your heart feels moved,
please come and open the door.
I am waiting here.
From now on, I intend to continue
putting the unspoken feelings in my heart
into words here.
If you feel like receiving them,
please come and open the door anytime.
It is okay to go at your own heart's pace.
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Yuka