Perhaps that 'effort' was love
To those visiting for the first time
In this note, I value the feeling of 'working so hard yet somehow not being rewarded', not just through emotional arguments or grit, but by putting it into words as a structure.
If you are new here, please try reading from the section that best matches your current mood.
When you want to put the true nature of your distress into words
A story about looking at anxiety by breaking it down into numbers, reassurance, and value
When you want to catch your breath again
A story about reading 'inability to move' not as laziness, but as a sign from your body
When you want to find the feeling of starting to move again
A story about finding where you are headed, hidden deep within your discomfort
The following are stories close to the roots of this note.
Words that remained like a thorn
There was a time when I was desperately clinging to my job while losing my mental balance.
Words casually said to me by my boss at the time remained deep in my chest like a small thorn for a long time.
'You are just being soft.'
I think I couldn't brush those words off well and kept blaming myself.
The scenery I see now
However, now. When I gently look back at that thorn, I see a completely different view.
What on earth was that suffocating effort back then?
Perhaps it was, in its own way, a silent scream to prove my own worth.
And at the same time, I now feel that it was also a 'proof of kindness', an attempt to protect something precious, however clumsily.
Admittedly, that effort was, in some way, an act to fill a void in my self-consciousness.
But deep within that painfully desperate struggle, there was undeniable 'love' and 'sincerity'.
That very thing has become the warm source of value that supports who I am today.
When I realized that, I felt a thorn that had been stuck for years quietly dissolve into light.
I have already let go of the way of trying desperately hard.
Even so, I am simply content.
That unwavering conviction alone is just quietly here.
To end the chain of wounds
And now, I suddenly wonder.
Could the boss who said those words also have been someone who kept trying hard even when they were falling apart?
Those words might have spilled out from the wounds within that person themselves, which they had to carry in order to keep themselves together.
The chain of wounds quietly comes to an end when someone notices it and accepts it.
We can quietly end that chain within ourselves.
Today, too, the world is just peacefully there.
You can read from here
Thank you for reading this far.
It is enough if you just pick up what you need from where you are right now.
When you want to put the true nature of your distress into words
When you want to catch your breath again
When you want to find the feeling of moving forward again
In this update, I will quietly write about
the structure of unrewarded effort / reinterpreting emotions / the feeling of starting to move again in a small way. I would be happy if you could take a look again when the time feels right.