Water Surface Counseling Room #3: 'The Psychology of Love That Makes You Suffer from Expectations Even When You're Not Dating' | Psychology | HSP | Relationships
This program is a counseling room themed around a 'reading radio,' where Asakura and Soma quietly exchange words while incorporating psychological perspectives to address one concern from the letters sent in by everyone.
Asakura
“Now, here is today's letter.”
“Even though we aren't dating yet, I find myself expecting things from the other person's words and attitudes, and it makes me suffer.
When they are kind to me, I wonder if there might be a chance, and when I feel a little distance, I suddenly become anxious.
I know in my head that I shouldn't have expectations since our relationship isn't clearly defined, but before I know it, my heart is being swayed by them.
Why is it that I suffer like this even though we aren't dating?”
Asakura
“Perhaps the heart loses its place most easily in relationships that don't have a name yet.”
Soma
“Yeah. Not lovers. But you can't quite call them just acquaintances either. I think when you're in that kind of place, your heart inevitably keeps searching for an answer.”
Soma
“The reason love without a relationship is painful isn't just because you have feelings, but because there is so much margin in the relationship.”
Not lovers.
But it's not like there's nothing there either.
It might just be kindness.
But it also seemed a little special.
In an ambiguous relationship, every single word can seem so significant.
Asakura
“People tend to want to place meaning where there is a void, after all.”
Soma
“Right. That's why we look for something like an answer in the other person's expressions, the speed of their replies, and their casual remarks.”
Was that word special?
Was that kindness something they show to everyone?
Just because a reply is late, I suddenly feel like everything I cherished until yesterday was a mistake.
That's how we try to draw an outline for a relationship that has no form yet.
But the more you keep tracing something without an outline, the more your heart gets tired.
It's painful because I like them.
That's surely not a mistake either.
But in truth, it's not just because I like them.
I think it's painful because I cherished it while still not knowing.
Asakura
“It's natural to have expectations when someone is kind to you.”
Soma
“Yeah. Having expectations itself isn't a bad thing.”
Words that made me happy.
The fact that they noticed.
Time that felt a little different from how it is with others.
Those things become a small hope in your heart.
Asakura
“However, we still don't know if that light is truly directed toward us.”
Soma
“That's true. Kindness can become hope. But it's not proof.”
The other person was kind.
That might be a fact.
But does that kindness come from romantic feelings?
Is it directed only at me?
Is it a sign that the relationship will progress from here?
We don't know that much yet.
And yet, the heart tries to move ahead.
Maybe.
Surely.
Probably.
What about those words from that time?
Like that, we go back and forth in the same place between hope and anxiety.
Asakura
“People sometimes sink their own convenient prayers into ambiguous kindness.”
Soma
“Yeah. That's why I think it's painful. Because the self that is hoping and the self that is afraid of getting hurt by hoping too much are both there at the same time.”
It doesn't mean the other person is bad.
It doesn't mean you are being heavy.
It's just that ambiguous kindness lingers in a person's heart for a long time.
Soma
“Having expectations doesn't mean you're weak. It just means you felt that person was that important.”
Asakura
“There is no need to laugh at yourself for having expectations, nor is there a need to pretend it never happened.”
Soma
“Yeah. But I don't think you have to entrust your whole self to those expectations.”
Asakura
“Then, should we try not to have expectations?”
Soma:
I don't think you need to force yourself to erase it. However, it might be important to try separating things just a little bit.
The other person was kind.
They reached out to you.
You felt like they cared about you.
As facts and feelings, those things are true.
But.
They must think of me as special.
The relationship should progress someday.
They must surely feel the same way.
Sometimes, wishes are mixed in there.
Asakura:
Because the more in love you are, the more naturally facts and wishes overlap.
Soma:
Yeah. That's why, when you feel distressed, I think it's good to try organizing your thoughts a little before blaming yourself.
Is this something that actually happened?
Or is it something I wish were true?
Is it the other person's attitude?
Or is it an imagination created by my own anxiety?
Of course, there are days when you can't separate them cleanly.
Even so, you can pause for a moment.
Soma:
I think you separate them not to erase your expectations, but to protect yourself.
Asakura:
Not to judge your expectations, but to avoid being swallowed by them.
Soma:
Exactly. It's okay to cherish your feelings of love. But you don't have to entrust your own worth to the other person's reactions.
Soma:
It's not strange to feel distressed even when you're not dating.
The more nameless a relationship is, the easier it is for the heart to lose its place.
You are saved by a little kindness and hurt by a little distance.
You get happy from a single reply and anxious from a single silence.
That is not because you are heavy.
It's because you truly fell in love.
Because even in an ambiguous place, you still offered your heart.
Asakura:
The water's surface reflects things all the more because they have no form.
Soma:
Yeah. I think the more a relationship lacks a name, the more the heart wants to find meaning in it.
However, what is reflected is not necessarily the truth.
The moon reflected on the water's surface is beautiful.
But you cannot grasp it even if you reach out.
Even so, you don't have to deny the feelings that were beautiful.
The fact that you had expectations.
The fact that you felt anxious.
The fact that you replayed the other person's words over and over.
You don't have to be ashamed of any of that.
Soma:
How a romance turns out depends on the other person's feelings too, so you can't decide it on your own. But I think you can choose to treat yourself with care.
Asakura:
Because whether you are chosen by someone else and whether you have value are separate things.
No matter how that love turns out,
you don't have to let your own worth be shaken along with it.
The other person's feelings are within them.
But you can take back the control of how you treat yourself.
It's okay to have nights where you had expectations.
It's okay to have days where you couldn't sleep from anxiety.
Even so, in the end,
I want you to take that hand that kept searching for the other person's answer,
and return it to your own heart, just a little.
Even in a relationship that still has no name,
you don't have to make yourself nameless too.
Thank you for reading until the end.
Even in the midst of that love, don't leave your heart behind.
Continued in Episode 4▼
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