I wanted to be alone, but. The day I confirmed 'myself' at the place my heart led me to | Yuru-log #26
I am waato, a working mother of two currently on leave due to adjustment disorder.
Thank you for coming to read this note🌱
Recently,
“I want to be alone, even if just for half a day”
I have had days where I felt that way.
But I didn't know where that place was.
It's not that there are no smiles in my home,
my children and husband are going about their usual routines,
and I have no complaints about my home or my daily life.
But one day,
I suddenly had an idea and drove off.
The place I headed to was
a place where I couldn't even explain
why I chose it myself.
This time,
I would like to look back a little on
“a mysterious day, driven by the subconscious,”
which I cannot explain well even to myself.
◾️Although I thought I wanted to be alone
I, who should have been seeking a quiet place.
Do you want to just spend time blankly
while drinking coffee at a quiet cafe?
Or perhaps,
do you want to read a book thoroughly at the library?
Do you want to bathe in the forest?
...Or maybe a hot spring?
Such thoughts
had been swirling in my head for days.
But that moment
arrived suddenly one day.
After sending the children off
to school and nursery school,
I left the housework aside,
and following my heart,
I drove my car.
The place I was heading to
was not a cafe or a library...
It was my parents' home,
which I had been keeping my distance from,
and it was to see my mother.
"......Huh?
Why am I heading to my parents' home?"
Even to myself,
it was a truly strange feeling.
◾️On the winding road
On the way to my parents' house,
I was thinking about
the "map I am trying to draw"
that I have been thinking about a lot lately.
Life is probably not a straight line.
You take detours,
you stop,
or you head in a direction you never expected.
But,
as a result, you can "return to being yourself."
I call such a path
a "winding road" in my own mind.
The path on the map I draw myself
is not straight,
but a distorted circle that winds
and properly returns to myself.
Recently,
I have started to think
that it might have that kind of shape.
"Perhaps today is also on the way along the winding road."
I was thinking
vaguely about things like that.
When I contacted my mother
at a parking area,
she said she was just at home.
At that moment,
"Ah, as I thought, today was the day to go to my parents' house."
I suddenly thought so.
◾️My mother, whom I met for the first time in a while
My mother and I have always had a relationship where
if we were too close, I would get exhausted.
I am grateful that she tried to fulfill her responsibilities as a parent
and worked hard to raise me.
I have feelings of gratitude.
But,
ever since I got married and left home,
I have tried to keep a moderate distance.
"I shouldn't have come home."
Honestly, there were days when I thought that.
But
My mother, whom I hadn't seen in a while,
had changed just a little bit.
She was trying to understand
my mental illness,
and had even studied it in her own way.
"You don't need to rush."
She said that to me.
Those words
made me genuinely happy.
But
not everything had changed.
When I talked about how my children have been lately,
"You're raising your children in a way that lets them walk all over you."
"Raising children is the same as training a dog."
Those words, so typical of my mother,
came out just as they always did.
If it were the old me,
"That's wrong!"
I think I would have argued back.
But that day was different.
Without saying anything back,
"Haha," I said,
and was able to let it slide quietly.
At that moment, I
"a version of myself that wasn't overreacting"felt as if I were watching
from afar.
◾️Things I realized on the way home
In the car on the way home,
I suddenly realized.
Today, I
didn't just want to see my mother.
In truth,
"How do I feel in front of my mother now?"
Perhaps I wanted to confirm that.
That day,
the me who was in front of my mother,
was not the "mother" of my two children,
nor the "child" of my mother,
but simply, just me.
◾️The one who had changed was me
What I felt during this visit home.
It was,
It wasn't that my mother had changed,
nor that our values had aligned,
it was that I
didn't waver much.
In the past,
I would have reacted to every word my mother said, but
"Well, people don't really change, do they?"
Like that,
I was able to accept it from a slight distance.
◾️This, too, might be a winding road
A little while ago, I
"I want to be someone who doesn't waver."
That's what I thought.
But since taking a leave of absence,
my way of thinking has changed little by little.
Rather than not wavering,
being able to return to myself even if I do waver.
I thought that might be one form of
"peace of mind" for me.
So, perhaps I
unconsciously
headed to my parents' home.
How much peace of mind
have I become able to feel now?
How much can I be "myself"?
Perhaps my heart
wanted to know the answer to that.
That day,
while driving on the highway,
"Why am I heading to my parents' home?"
I thought that, but
now I think,
that day was surely also
my own "winding road."
My mother
had changed just a little.
I, too,
had changed just a little.
And I
was able to remain "as myself"
even in front of my mother.
That day,
what I was heading toward
was not my parents' home, but
"the self that can feel at peace"
perhaps.
◾️Conclusion
Right now, I am
“How can I live with peace of mind?”
While holding that question,
I am gradually drawing my own map
to live with peace of mind.
In this note, I write about
healing of the heart,
my lifestyle and way of working,
and my days with my family,
in “Yuru-log” and
short “Yuru-memo” entries.
For those in the midst of recovery,
those searching for a “way of life where you can feel at ease,”
those who want to be themselves,
and also,
those who gently watch over me,
if you would like,
I would be happy if you
dropped by again to take a peek🕊️
I hope this note becomes a place
where you can breathe a little easier.🌿
See you again soon🕊️
waato
◾️For first-time visitors
I have updated my self-introduction.🌱
If you are here for the first time,
I would be very happy if you could take a look at this as well.🌿