The story of being left on read for 20 days. The one reason why I'm still sharing my story like this now
Today, I'd like to talk about myself instead of the usual how-to advice.
Why am I sharing these things?
The reason actually starts with a rather pathetic story.
Since the night we broke up after a fight, the way I use my smartphone has changed.
When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I check is LINE. During my work breaks, LINE. Before I go to sleep, it's LINE again.
It shows as read. But there is no reply.
That state continued for 20 days.
What I wanted wasn't him saying, 'I want to get back together.'
I just wanted some reassurance, like 'It's okay' or 'I don't hate you.'
I wanted that so badly that I kept checking the read status over and over.
Thinking that I couldn't go on like this, I devoured books on relationships. I even relied on fortune-telling.
The example text for the first message was in every book.
But that wasn't what I really wanted to know.
'So, how should I reply to the second message after he finally replies?'
'How long should I wait?'
There was nothing anywhere that taught me that far.
Waiting without knowing the answer is more painful than you can imagine.
One night, I reached my limit and sent him a long LINE message.
I put my anxious feelings directly into words, and for just the moment I pressed the send button, I felt a little relieved.
But even though it was marked as read, there was no reply.
The day after I sent it, while on the commuter train, I reread the message I had sent and felt the blood drain from my face.
I thought, 'Why did I write something like that?'
To the point where I started to hate myself.
But since just regretting it wouldn't change anything, I really wanted to understand why I had acted that way.
So, I started reading books on psychology and brain science.
As I researched, I realized that checking your phone repeatedly when you're anxious is actually a natural reaction that happens to everyone.
When you're thirsty, you look for water, right? It's the same thing; when people feel anxious, they are wired to look for something that will make them feel secure.
It's not about having a weak will or a lack of self-control; it's just a physical reaction.
When I learned this, I felt a bit saved.
I thought, 'So, there wasn't anything wrong with me after all.'
From there, it started to become interesting to look at the anxiety I feel in relationships from the perspective of psychology and brain science.
Rather than someone telling me 'this is the answer' like a fortune teller, the way of explaining it as 'this is how it works, so it's natural to feel this way' resonated more with me at the time.
However, just understanding the mechanism didn't stop my hand from checking the read status.
Knowing something and being able to do it are two different things, aren't they?
So, I decided, 'First, I'll stop contacting him for a while.'
It wasn't to test him; I simply wanted time to calmly observe my own reactions.
Honestly, it took quite a while. In my case, about half a year.
What I learned from devouring books was that, in the end, 'self-understanding' is the foundation of everything.
Self-understanding is...
What you are looking for in a romantic partner.
What you value, and what makes you feel secure.
Your own way of communicating.
Your own values.
Knowing these things about yourself properly.
This might sound abstract when put into words, so I'll tell you what I actually did.
On nights when I was overwhelmed with anxiety, instead of thinking, 'What is he thinking right now?', I would write down in a notebook, 'What am I anxious about right now?'
I would look back on my conversations with him and put my reactions into words one by one, asking myself, 'Why did I feel irritated at that moment?' or 'Why did that one comment hurt me so much?'
At first, I couldn't do it well at all. There were nights when, no matter how much I wrote, I would end up back at, 'I wonder what he's doing right now.'
Even so, as I kept doing it, the time I spent writing down my own state of mind gradually increased, more than the time I spent worrying about his reactions.
If you keep doing this, the way you face your partner will change itself.
No matter how strongly you want to get back together, if you don't have a clear understanding of what you value, even if you do reconcile, you will stumble over the same things again.
This is just my personal experience. The duration and the method can be different for everyone.
Even so, I can say from experience that it is difficult to achieve a true reconciliation if you only know the standard advice on how to get back together, such as example sentences or how to send messages.
I think a cooling-off period is not just a time to wait for him to make a move, but a time to use for understanding yourself.
As your self-understanding progresses, the anxiety that makes you try to control his feelings through delusions decreases, and you gain peace of mind.
A version of yourself that faces yourself and has composure will appear more attractive than a version of yourself that clings to the past. That is what leads to reconciliation.
I don't want to send you some theory of grit that says, 'If you try hard, you'll get back together,' or 'If you just believe and wait, it will be fine.'
I want to help you sort out 'why this is happening' together.
This is the one and only reason why I continue to share my thoughts.
I want you to use the cooling-off period not just as a time to endure, but as a time to face yourself.
I cannot say for sure that you will definitely get back together. No one can make that kind of promise.
However, there are certainly things that will make you feel a little better just by knowing them.
You don't have to blame yourself for constantly checking the 'read' status right now.
First, start by understanding the root of your anxiety.
Actually, there is a proper reason for how to use this 'waiting time' as well.
Next, let's sort that out together. ↓↓
I have organized how to act according to different situations in another note, so please take a look if you are interested.