I Was an "Unusual Ordinary Person"

-A story about the many boundaries revealed by the WAIS-IV-

■ What I wrote last time

Last time, I wrote that I want to create a world where no one is made into a villain. To do that, I also want to see the structure.

However, I hadn't yet explained why I believe I am capable of having that perspective.

When I count them, I find that I am standing on a surprisingly large number of boundaries. Between genius and ordinary. Between neurotypical (NT) and autism spectrum (ASD). Between attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and other developmental traits. Between being a working professional and a band member.

I am often misunderstood, so I will state this clearly first.
I swear this is not a story about how "I am amazing."

It is actually the opposite; it is a story about how "I ended up standing between many boundaries not because I had special abilities, but because I was average."

And this is not just a matter of self-perception, but something that actually appeared as numbers after I took the test.

Today, I will talk about that data.

■ I wanted to know who I was through numbers

I think there are several times in life when one seriously wants to know "who they are."

For me, one of those times was at the beginning of 2026, when I took an intelligence test called the WAIS-IV.

The trigger was not something simple; it was because, since I was a child, I had always carried somewhere within me a sense of "not being understood" by others or by the "society" that is an aggregate of them, as well as the "unreasonableness" I received from that.

There were many, many times when I thought I was doing something for the best, only to realize I had cornered or hurt the other person.
Even when I intended to think sincerely, wishing for the other person's happiness, and communicate it rationally and constructively, it was often received by the other person as an attack or rejection.

Just when I was struggling with that, I had the opportunity to talk with a friend who was continuing his own self-analysis.
Borrowing insights from Freud and Lacan, he was digging deep into who he was and trying to put it into words.

Watching that, I also wanted to properly know my own contours.
Not just through feelings and stories, but if possible, through numbers.

To be honest, I had expectations.

Perhaps I might be a person on the "genius" side.
If that could be proven with numbers, wouldn't it be an "inro" (a seal of authority) to silence "society"?

The results were not that simple.

■ WAIS-IV Results

The Full Scale IQ, or FSIQ, was 103.

Verbal Comprehension (VCI) was 119.

Perceptual Reasoning (PRI) was 105.

Working Memory (WMI) was 94.

Processing Speed (PSI) was 79.

When I saw the VCI score of 119, I was honestly quite disappointed.

Somewhere in my heart, I think I wanted a title—whether it was 130 or over 140—that would finally "explain everything." But the number that came out wasn't that extreme.

Regarding the PSI of 79, the psychologist in charge suggested that it didn't necessarily reflect my raw ability, but rather a habit of being overly cautious about careless mistakes. Even so, the fact that my actual work speed resulted in a 79 is a reality.

Furthermore, both PRI and WMI were in the perfectly normal range at 105 and 94, respectively.

The only things that stood out were VCI and PSI. Everything else was surprisingly "normal."

An FSIQ of 103 means I am right in the middle of the average range.

And that makes sense; my entire life has consistently proven that I am an "ordinary person among ordinary people."

Gradually, I began to accept this with a calmer state of mind.

■ I Was Not a Genius

After some time had passed, I realized something important.

The "inability to get through to others" and the "sense of unfairness" I had felt for so long were likely different from the "loneliness of a genius."

In fact, my life was not lonely.

I had friends and family. Of course, it's not that I never felt lonely. But when I look back on my life as a whole, I don't really think it was lonely.

I think that feeling was closer to a kind of futility or resignation than to loneliness.

I should be able to make myself understood if I explain it, yet it doesn't get across.

I should be able to share my thoughts if I lay them out logically, yet for some reason, the conversation goes in a different direction.

I intend to engage with sincerity, yet it doesn't reach the other person that way.

At the root of this was the fact that "I had been covering up my ASD traits with my verbal ability, or VCI, for a long time."
In other words, I had been living my life by trying hard to mimic a "normal person."

■ ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) tendencies revealed by the AQ

The AQ also resulted in a finding of strong ASD tendencies.

However, I have not really fit the image of someone who "cannot read the room" or "lacks empathy."

I think it wasn't that I didn't have those traits, but rather that they weren't appearing on the surface.

The "atmosphere" and "empathy" that many neurotypical people feel intuitively and instantaneously, I was reconstructing afterward using language, logic, and context.

Instead of "reading the room," I was "predicting" what might be called "the atmosphere" that others are feeling.

Instead of "empathizing," I was "reliving" the experience by logically reconstructing the other person's context.

That is how I believe I have lived within the neurotypical world, while pretending to be neurotypical.

Looking back now, there are many experiences that make sense to me.

■ Things I could predict but were not believed

Since I was a child, I often felt that "someday this will happen..."
Both bad premonitions and good ones.

But even when I said those things, there were many times I wasn't believed.

On the other hand, when I was a child, I would sometimes tell "exciting lies" that should have been obviously false as a prank.
But then, those would be believed completely, or what I intended as a "fun prank" would be treated as a "lie that must be judged."

Eventually, I came to the point where I wouldn't say anything if I couldn't explain its certainty.

Instead of saying exactly what I felt, I would stay silent until I could put the grounds for it into words.

I think I just developed that habit.

Even so, there have been many times in my life, after several years had passed, when I experienced the feeling of 'I knew it would turn out that way'.

I believe this happens when the ability to notice subtle discomforts is combined with the ability to explain them logically.

However, the moment I say it out loud, people usually don't believe me, and anyone can get lucky if they make enough guesses, so I don't consider myself special because of that.

■ ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) tendencies revealed by CAARS

I was already aware of my ADHD, and when I was struggling after a major failure many years ago, I even visited a psychosomatic clinic. At that time, it was just a simple interview and psychological test, but I was diagnosed as a 'typical ADHD gray zone'.

This time, I took the CAARS test, which examines ADHD tendencies more precisely, and as expected, my 'inattention' and 'impulsivity' scores were higher than average.

In society, I think ADHD is probably a more common topic of conversation than ASD. I feel that stories about 'being unable to tidy up,' 'forgetting things often,' or 'being impulsive' are easier for people to empathize with.

And within myself, I feel that while ASD and ADHD may appear contradictory in some ways, they are internally quite continuous.

However, I also feel that the difference between these two is not yet clearly recognized by society. (I would like to explain how they differ at a later time.)

I believe the ADHD tendencies that appeared this time are not the so-called typical ADHD image, but rather the result of the mismatch between VCI and PSI, in other words, the unevenness derived from ASD. (I think this difference is also worth putting into words, so I intend to write about it in detail on another occasion.)

What was interesting was that the 'self-concept' index was also high.

This means that my self-evaluation is unstable; there are moments when I think my appearance and personality are good, and moments when I think they are not.

I was strangely convinced that this ambivalence is not just a quirk of personality, but something that actually shows up in numbers like this.

■ When an explanation is received as an attack

Looking at the results so far, I also realized one painful thing.

I think there were probably more times than I was aware of where what I intended as an 'explanation' was experienced by the other person as an 'attack' or 'rejection'.

Even though I intended to explain things sincerely and logically, in reality, I was cornering the other person.

What made sense to me was, for the other person, an act of intimidation, a rejection, and a source of hurt.

Since realizing that, I have a stronger desire to avoid doing so as much as possible.

This also connects to the point I wrote about last time: 'not making anyone the villain'.

I don't want to make it a story where I was the villain.

I also don't want to make it a story where the other person was weak.

It's just that what was happening inside me and what was happening inside the other person existed as different realities.

And I wasn't able to notice that gap.

I think that is where the suffering was born.

■ The feeling of being 'on the borderline'

Having written this much, the term 'on the borderline' finally feels right to me.

I've heard somewhere that it becomes difficult to hold a conversation if there is a 20-point difference in IQ.
It's a common saying, but of course, I don't take it at face value as I believe it doesn't go beyond the realm of folklore.

However, I do have a personal sense of the difficulty of talking with someone whose pace of conversation or underlying assumptions don't match my own.
If that's the case, it also means I am in a position where I can exchange words to some extent with both average people and people with very high linguistic abilities.

A PSI of 79 is a fairly low number, limited to the domain of processing speed.
Therefore, I also know from personal experience the pain of 'not being able to do things that should be doable'.

I am not a genius, nor an ordinary person, nor neurotypical, nor typically ASD, nor am I extreme enough to be fully explained by ADHD alone.

Everything is right around the boundary.

That is why I have the feeling of having moved back and forth between several worlds.

I feel that I can understand and put into words—albeit partially—the experiences of geniuses, ordinary people, those who suffer from low processing speed, NTs, those with ASD, and those with ADHD.

■ Between a working professional and a band member

There is one more thing: I also have a sense of being 'between a working professional and a band member'.

While living within the rules of society, I am in a slightly different set of values when it comes to music and expression.

The language required within a company or organization is different from the language required on stage or in expression.

The me as a working professional and the me as a band member are not completely different people.
However, I am not standing in the same place either.

There is a boundary line here as well.

That is why I feel I know a little bit about both the happiness and the suffering of people living in 'ordinary society,' as well as the happiness and suffering of 'people who express themselves.'

■ I was an 'unusual ordinary person'

Having written this far, if I were to describe myself in one phrase, I think I was an 'unusual ordinary person.'

I was not a genius.

But I was a bit too uneven to just live an ordinary life.

I was not protected as a person with a disability.

But I was not able to adapt to neurotypical society without any difficulties either.

I was not seen as having ASD.

But I did not process the world in the same way as neurotypical people.

I did not feel sharp enough to be fully explained by ADHD alone.

But I certainly had inattentiveness, impulsivity, and fluctuations in my self-concept.

Everything applies a little bit.

But I do not fit perfectly into any of them.

That is why I think I was an 'unusual ordinary person.'

■ Why I am writing this note

I am writing this note because I want to properly put that translation into words.

For those who are troubled because they hurt someone important to them while intending to be sincere.

And conversely, for those who are troubled because they have been hurt by someone like me.

Rather than casting one side as the villain, I want to describe as carefully as possible what is happening between them.

It is not because I am a genius that I can see this.

I think there are things I can see precisely because I was not a genius, and because I stood on many different boundary lines.

Next time, I would like to explain this sense of being "on the boundary line" using a more accessible metaphor.

It is a story comparing NT and ASD to automatic and manual transmission cars.

Thank you for reading this far.