To the Person in Charge | I Want to Drink Café au Lait

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I am originally a fan of the "You must like whiskey" party, but lately, alcohol doesn't taste good to me.
For non-alcoholic drinks, I like Japanese tea, but the bitterness of green tea is a bit sharp, so I often drink hojicha instead.

I have one cup of coffee in the morning. I don't like sweet drinks, so I used to drink it black, but I've started mixing it half-and-half with soy milk.
I like the natural taste of unsweetened soy milk. I hear it's rich in protein and vitamin B1.
...You say that's not café au lait, but a soy latte?
You shouldn't worry about the little things.

The title comes from a Glico commercial from a while ago that I suddenly remembered. It's a song that ends with "Café au lait that doesn't draw a line between black and white."
...I don't remember buying the product. The store-bought ones are usually too sweet.
I looked it up and found a YouTube video from 2008. The Heisei era feels like a long time ago now.

Enough of this "sweet" talk,
I've been thinking about this phrase "not drawing a line between black and white" lately, while sipping my unsweetened café... soy latte.

About my slightly "bitter" recent situation.
It's problematic that my state has "no name" when I try to explain it.

Even the strange sensations in my head that come from time to time were hard to put into words at first, and it was only after repeatedly observing my physical condition and taking notes that I was finally able to grasp them.
Looking at it on a monthly basis, I am slowly but surely getting better. I think I have progressed to the point where my recovery is gradually advancing and I have begun to grasp the situation at my workplace.

Given the characteristics, I recognize that it overlaps with burnout syndrome, but since it is not a disease name, I cannot get a medical certificate.

To the outside eye, I am coming to work every day.
However, things that made me think "Huh?" happened quite frequently to me.
It depends on the weather, how busy things are, my physical condition, and my level of fatigue, and there are fluctuations even on the same day, but besides a state of lethargy and headaches, I had these strange sensations:
・My concentration, attention, and memory have declined.
・The meaning of emails and text doesn't sink in, and things I hear go in one ear and out the other.
・The passage of time feels strangely fast, and I've become weak at schedule management and planning.
・My hands have slowed down, and I feel like my processing ability has dropped.

(I don't know if it's really like that, or if I've just convinced myself it is. I'd like to hear from others who have experienced this.)
However, these are just my own personal sensations.
To others, it just sounds like "they lack sharpness" or "they have no motivation."

Wanting to explain this black-and-white-less, or rather, un-definable state somehow, I told my workplace this for the time being:
"I felt like I was in a state of burnout, so I went to see a doctor. There is no diagnosis, but I am under observation while taking prescribed medication."

The problem is, without knowing how this gray state will recover in the future,
how to get through the process of staying here for a while, being entrusted with a full-time workload for now.

Even in the consultation, the current situation is not clear, and naturally, the doctor doesn't know how I should approach my work as I head toward recovery.
At the workplace, it seems they don't hear about people ending up like this very often, so I really feel like, is this okay?

A while ago, there was a time when it was painful just to be at work, but it's a little different from wanting to take a break. I have a desire to regain my pace, but I can't build up momentum all at once.

There are some tasks I couldn't get to, which resulted in others around me having to take them over.
It's not that I don't feel guilty, and it's not that I tried to just let it slide.
The logical thing to do would be to share the progress delays in advance and hand them over after organizing what I could, but honestly, I didn't have the mental capacity for that.

If you ask if I was able to get advice, I didn't have the leeway for that either; once I started something, I would have to finish it, which would mean enduring more and increasing the burden, and I haven't been able to return to the point where I can even realize this situation right now.

I was afraid of making mistakes if I tried to do something, and I felt it was dangerous.
I had that thought in mind, but it's just an excuse, and in fact, at a past workplace, I was berated for making excuses.

For now, as something I decided on my own, I am trying to do one thing at a time that I have set for each day, to the extent that I don't feel fatigue or heat in my head, but I don't know if this is appropriate as rehabilitation or for the convenience of the workplace.
While thinking of this situation as a bit bitter, I spend every day imagining that it will get better eventually. To be continued.

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