I want to keep saying 'I love you' | The one thing I, a survivor of toxic parenting, want to convey to my daughter | Happy Writing Marathon #59

"What are the words you want to convey to your loved one right now in your own voice?"

If I were asked that—

The first thing that

came to mind.

This is a prompt from Ken Honda's note project.

Today, I will write about this prompt,
sharing the words I, as I am now, want to convey to my loved one🌱

1. The person who came to mind the moment I saw this prompt

My eldest daughter is
the first child who was born to me.

A tiny, tiny life.

Every day, as I watched her,

That is what I thought.

We were together from morning until night.

Whether sleeping or waking, my daughter was always by my side.

I seriously said such doting parent things every single day (lol).

That is how much
I cherished my daughter.

2. I, who lost my composure

—But,
such peaceful times ended suddenly.

It started the day my younger son was born.

The day we returned from the hospital, my daughter became a different person.

• Chronic regression to baby-like behavior

• Demanding to be held exactly when I couldn't

• Sudden screaming and crying

…I understand now.
My daughter was desperate, too.

But at the time,
I didn't have the capacity to think that far.

It was still a time when my pelvis felt unstable.

• Lack of sleep

• Solo parenting

• Mommy brain

I was just doing my best to get through each day.

Just when I thought my son had finally fallen into a deep sleep,

“I want to go for a walk with Mommy!”

That happened many times, too.

My daughter would cry and lie down on the ground.
Since her voice was loud enough to echo through the neighborhood, I had no choice but to go outside with her.

I would wrap her in a blanket, put her in the stroller,
and walk for over an hour on cold nights when snow was fluttering down.

Days like that continued for a while.

Even on days when she wouldn't stop crying,

"Please, just go to sleep!"
"Enough is enough!"
"I'm tired too!"

There were times when I would shout things like that.

• A grumpy expression

• A deep sigh

• A heavy, oppressive atmosphere

——Before I knew it, I was doing the exact same thing...

Every time I thought that, my chest would ache.
There were days I cried while pushing the stroller.

3. Am I going to leave scars on this child, too?

No matter how much I regret it,
the days don't stop.

When morning comes, parenting begins all over again.

Even when I decide that,
when I run out of patience, I end up repeating the same things.

Every time that happens,

"Will my daughter grow up one day and remember these times?"
"Will she be scarred just like I was?"
"...What am I doing?"

That was all I could think about.

Precisely because I was raised by toxic parents,
I didn't want history to repeat itself.

But the days where I couldn't seem to get it right just kept continuing.

4. Even so, now, little by little

Many years have passed since then.

My daughter is in her final year of kindergarten.
She will be an elementary school student next year.

Even though she fights with her younger brother almost every day, before I know it, they are playing together happily.

Of course, even now,

"Feed me."
"Help me take off my clothes."

There are days when she says things like that, just like a baby.

Since she is in her final year of kindergarten,
there are many things she can already do by herself.

But I try to respond to her as much as I can.

——Perhaps,

That is what I end up thinking.

The real reason,
only my daughter knows.

So this is,
just my own selfish imagination.

Even so——

That is what I think.

5. That is why I want to keep conveying it

When I saw this prompt.

The words I most want to convey and the person I want to convey them to came to mind immediately.

"I love you. Thank you for being born."

I want to keep telling my daughter these words from now on.

• It's okay if she feels embarrassed.

• It's okay if she brushes it off saying, 'I know.'

Until the day my daughter tells me, 'That's enough,'
I want to keep telling her as many times as I can.

——I couldn't become a perfect mom.

Even now, I make mistakes.
There are many days when I reflect on them.

After the children are asleep,

'I got too angry again today.'

There are nights when I feel down like that.

Even so.

The feeling that 'I love my children' is the only thing
that has never changed.

6. May these words connect to the future

Perhaps in any world,
perfect parents do not exist.

The past cannot be erased, and

'If only I could have done more for them back then.'

I believe that such regrets will surely never disappear in my lifetime.

——Even so,

I want to believe in the accumulation of those moments.

I pray that my children,
without carrying the weight of the past,
can walk a life where they can smile as themselves.

And for myself as well.

Instead of being bound by my past of being raised by toxic parents,
I hope to gradually cultivate a new form of parent-child relationship.

Even if I make mistakes,
even if I lose my way.

I want to continue telling my children, 'I love you.'

And I would like to continue writing about this journey,
little by little, in this space.🌱

Related Articles

In the past, I used to,

'I have to try harder.'

I spent every day driving myself forward like that.

But now, I have become able to value
'taking care of myself' little by little.

——The catalyst for that was
gradually letting go of a 'way of life that keeps blaming myself'.

I have compiled that way of thinking into a single note.🌱

▶ Read more

In this space,
for those who are 'wishing for happiness while carrying their past',
I am writing, little by little, about how to choose a 'peaceful love life and life'.

If today's writing
gently touched your heart.

I would be happy if we could meet here again.🌱
If you'd like, please take a look at my next article too.

Torori

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁

Introducing accounts I recommend

📌Kurage | [Toxic Parent Karuta] Completed 50 Sounds

This is a noter who writes about the pain and sadness that couldn't be expressed after being told things by toxic parents in a 'Toxic Parent Karuta' format.✨️ It is truly a treasure trove of relatable Adult Children (AC) content, so I think it will be a trigger for realizing your own difficulties in living.⏬️

Thank you for introducing my article and adding it to your magazine

I would like to randomly introduce three people from among those who have recently introduced my article or added it to their magazine.

📌Miyu | Someone who organizes life's difficultiesさん

A noter who shares tips on how to organize things without pushing yourself and how to make daily life feel lighter✨️ There are many articles on organizing food, thoughts, and habits, and reading them makes me suddenly think, 'Maybe I should try this too'⏬️

📌King | Heaven helps those who help themselvesさん

The founder of the Miracle Lucky Cult✨️ They create a wide range of content, from music and senryu to philosophical essays, and their unique worldview becomes addictive once you experience it. They are very polite in their comment exchanges, so I recommend them to anyone who wants to interact⏬️

📌kakokikiyさん

A noter who performs star-reading reframing to help you find your true self and nurture your genuine wishes✨️ Even if you aren't familiar with star reading, all their articles are gentle and enjoyable to read⏬️

📌Others who supported me (please excuse the partial abbreviations)

Everyone, thank you for the introductions🙇‍♀️✨️
I am truly grateful for your support🌱

#HappyWritingMarathon
#KenHonda
#ToxicParents
#AdultChildren
#FindingHappinessEvenIfRaisedByToxicParents