[Home Care] The 'Superpower' of the Deep Night and the Me That Disappeared. What My Mother Tried to Protect Within the Storm of Delirium.

When spending time with my mother at home or in a care setting, I sometimes encounter strange scenes that cannot be explained by logic.
The most prominent of these is the storm of 'delirium' that attacks my mother.

In her usual state, my mother's legs and lower back are weak, and she cannot even stand up without holding onto something.
Her voice is quiet, and she spends most of her time in a daze.
However, once the switch for delirium is flipped, a 'surprising power' from somewhere unknown dwells within her body.

Is it adrenaline, I wonder?
My mother, who should have been lying there weakly just a moment ago, suddenly sits up and begins to bang on the heavy side table with all her might!
She shakes the table with such intense strength that I can feel her obsession to 'move it,' and she tries to stand up.

In her eyes, there is a sharpness not present in my usual mother, and an urgency as if she is being cornered by something.

'You there! What do you think you're doing, locking me up in a place like this!'

My mother stares intently at an empty space and begins to shout with a terrifying expression.
'Someone' whom we cannot see must be clearly visible in my mother's eyes.

Just when I think she is finished shouting, she suddenly becomes weak and sometimes appeals to me while shedding tears.

'Hey, listen to me. Someone hid my footwear. They are trying to keep me from going outside.'

The sight of her pleading so desperately makes her look so lonely and anxious as a woman.
I say to her, 'It's okay, it's right here,' but my words do not reach her heart.

What is most heartbreaking is that at such times, the person reflected in my mother's eyes is not her 'daughter'.
'This person might be one of the people who locked me in here.'
'She might be the very person who hid my footwear.'
When I am looked at with such suspicious eyes, my chest tightens.

When I first faced this situation in the past, I was deeply hurt as well.
I have even raised my voice in a desperate attempt to make her understand, saying, 'Mom, it's me! It's Ichiko!'

However, after experiencing caregiving work and learning about 'brain function' and 'elderly psychology' while retraining in my 50s, I have been able to gradually organize my feelings.

In the midst of delirium, my mother has by no means come to dislike me.
The precision machine that is the brain is just experiencing a slight error due to fatigue or illness. My mother is currently struggling desperately to find an exit in the dark forest of confusion.
I realize that in the midst of that battle, she has no room to spare, to the point where she cannot even see her daughter's face.

Since I have been able to think that way, I have stopped denying my mother.
'I see, it was scary because it felt like you were locked in, wasn't it?'
'It's unsettling without your footwear, isn't it? Shall we look for it together?'

I set aside my expectations as a daughter for a moment, and balance the 'calm eyes' of a professional caregiver with the 'warm hands' of a family member.
That is the best love I can offer right now.

When the storm of delirium passes, my mother returns to her usual gentle expression.
She recognizes me as her 'daughter' again, and as if the intense anger from moments ago were a lie, she holds my hand and falls asleep.

Even while my mother was screaming, the animals sensitively sensed what was happening and just quietly stayed by her side.

There are certainly moments in caregiving when your mind and body are worn down.

If there is anyone out there right now who is struggling, thinking,
'My parent has forgotten who I am'
or 'They have suddenly started becoming violent,'
please do not blame yourself.
It is not your fault, nor is it your parent's fault.

On stormy nights, it is okay to rely on someone.
And please cherish the quiet time after the storm has passed.

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