Production Diary 4 | Why I Decided to Reveal Everything About My Life

While working as a teacher, I experienced depression, and after taking leave, being hospitalized, and going through a return-to-work program, I am now on the road to recovery.
In this note, I am documenting my battle with illness, including the days that don't go well, and writing about self-esteem.
↓ Click here for my self-introduction ♪

Thank you so much
for always reading
Fuminmaru's Depression Diary.


From those who read
Production Diary 3 and my past articles,
I have received comments like,
"I cried."
"Tears came naturally."
"I think I might have been the same."


Today, please let me
be a little honest.

It would have been easier if I hadn't written it.

I will tell you the truth.


There are days when I think
I wish I hadn't written it.


Pulling out memories I don't want to remember
once again,
putting them into words, and showing them to people.


If I hadn't done that,
there would have been days when my heart could have been more at peace.


Yet, why do I write?


For a while, I didn't even know myself.

Even though I started writing
just with the feeling of wanting to "leave it behind,"
why did I decide to make it public?

What I realized one night

While writing,
I was thinking about myself back then,
when my heart and body were in tatters from depression.


The mornings I couldn't get out of bed.
The true feelings I couldn't tell anyone.
The days I thought, "There is something wrong with me."


At that moment, it suddenly occurred to me.
What I wanted to read back then
was not a story about someone who had fully recovered.


It was a story about someone who was still suffering,
but was still living anyway.

To those who are in the same pain

Even now, someone
is afraid of Monday morning.

Even now, someone
is thinking, "Only I am strange."

Even now, someone
is holding it in alone, unable to say "help me."

I wanted to reach that person.

More than the words "You are not alone,"
something that comes even before that.
I can't explain it well, but
I just wanted to place it next to someone who is there.

That is why I decided to make it public.
It was scary.

It is still scary now.

But,
I didn't want to end it
by keeping it locked in a drawer.

Only when it touches someone's eyes
does this diary become something that lives.

Thinking that,
I keep pressing the post button every day.

To you who are reading this

If this diary
is reaching you,

that alone
makes me feel glad I wrote it.

I am still on the way,
but even so, I will keep writing.

Together, little by little.

9 days until the release on May 10th.

Today, too, I am moving forward.

Thank you
for reading.

Everyone who gave me supportive comments 🔽

Chibi-san

Aru Otoko-san

Mirai-sensei

Takohachi-san

Former Teacher, 60-year-old Uncle

Tomika-san

Yu-san

Yura-san

Happy@Kotobo Segmentation [Chiritsumo Philosophy]-san

Pon-san

Nami to Ikiru | My experience living with an anxiety disorder for 25 years

https://note.com/serene_mango761

Mame | Someone who loves making others happy

Miririn

Chibihime

Haruka Minaka (note writer)