Episode 97: What is Self-Esteem? I Tried Drawing My Own Tree of Self-Esteem

I am currently in the process of recovery after experiencing depression while working as a teacher, followed by a leave of absence, hospitalization, and participation in a return-to-work program.
In this note, I write about my journey of living with illness, including the days that don't go so well, and my thoughts on self-esteem.
↓ Click here for my self-introduction♪

In my previous articles, I wrote that
self-esteem is not just a single emotion, but
is made up of the connection of "six senses."

However, there is one more thing I would like to share.

That is,
self-esteem is not constant.

It fluctuates between high and low depending on the time, place, physical condition, and mood.

So, I tried drawing my own state of being up to this point
as
atree.

By doing so,
I became able to see my own state
very clearly.

Self-esteem is a "single tree"

The goal of self-esteem is:

Self-respect... Roots
Self-acceptance... Trunk
Self-efficacy... Branches
Self-trust... Leaves
Self-determination... Flowers
Self-usefulness... Fruit

It is a state where these six elements grow in a balanced way,
and a vibrant tree stands tall.

And so, I divided my recovery process into three stages,
and drew three trees.

1. The tree when I was at rock bottom with depression

At that time, I was
a very distorted tree.

• Roots (Self-respect)
  → Almost zero

• Trunk (Self-acceptance)
  → Thin and withered from constantly blaming myself

• Branches (Self-efficacy)
  → Sparse, as I felt I couldn't do anything

Even so, I was
trying to produce only the fruit (self-usefulness).

Because I believed that if I wasn't useful,
I had no value.

However, a tree without roots is very unstable.

That is why the harder I tried,
the more painful it became, I think.

② The tree when it began to recover

There were changes little by little.

The first thing that changed was the
roots (self-esteem)itself.

To me, who thought about dying every day,
“It is enough just to be alive.
Stay alive and wait for me to come home.”

Because my wife said that to me,
a sense of value like a single ray of light
that I am “allowed to be alive”
began to sprout.

Then, the trunk (self-acceptance)
also began to grow little by little.

Because days where I could accept myself,
like “It is okay to rest today” or
“There are days when I can't do things,”
gradually increased.

It was still small, but it was definitely there.
That was the feeling.

③ My tree now (in the middle of recovery)

I am currently a
tree still in the process of growing.

But I have definitely changed from my former self.

• Roots (self-esteem)
  → Growing little by little

• Trunk (self-acceptance)
  → Became kinder to myself

• Branches (self-efficacy)
  → Can take on small challenges

• Flowers (sense of self-determination)
  → Can choose for myself little by little

And now,
I have become able to enjoy small fruits.

I am learning to cherish
the small "I did it" moments in my daily life.

When you visualize your self-esteem

I tried drawing a tree, and
I realized something.

That is,
I was not a "weak person"after all.

I was just desperately trying to live. It was just that the direction of that desperation was a little off,


and the tree's balance was off.

And I also learned that a tree
can be nurtured again.

Your self-esteem tree

If you'd like, why don't you try
drawing a tree yourself?

Though, that might be difficult to ask.
Just imagining it is fine too.

• How deep are the roots (self-respect)?

• Is the trunk (self-acceptance) thick or thin?

• How many branches (self-efficacy) are there?

• How many leaves (self-trust) are there?

• Are there flowers (sense of self-determination) blooming?

• How big is the fruit (sense of self-utility)?

There is no right answer for this.

Just taking a look at your own state.

That is the first step to raising your self-esteem.

Conclusion

What shape was
your self-esteem tree?

And,
what was your
small 'accomplishment' for today?

Any small thing is fine.
If you'd like, please let me know in the comments🍀