It's hard to "rest." The struggle of one month on leave | The ups and downs of a single mom in her 40s
Hello.
I'm Yu, a woman with nothing but room to grow.
It has been one month since I went on leave.
Even though I should have stepped away from work, it won't leave my head.
Guilt, anxiety, and sleepless nights.
Every day, I am keenly aware of how difficult it is to "rest."
One month on leave, but my mind won't rest
To begin with.
As a workaholic, there was no way I could spend over a month without thinking about work...
For the past few days, I've been having trouble falling asleep at night, or waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to get back to sleep.
The longer my leave lasts, the greater my anxiety grows.
The longer your history of workaholism, the harder it is to break free from this mindset.
Workaholism is also called "work addiction," a state where work becomes the top priority and you think about it even during your off time. It is more common in people who have a strong sense of responsibility and try too hard.
Days when work won't leave my mind
In unguarded moments, I find myself opening work apps, only to feel miserable and close them again—a cycle I repeat almost every day.
You might think, "Why not just delete the apps?"
I think so too.
But I still need to handle various communications with the company, so that's not really an option...
Touch smartphone -> Open work app
This.
It's ingrained in my body.
But compared to last year, I think the frequency with which I touch the apps is decreasing.
Crushed by guilt
And above all, by taking a long leave, the guilt of not working is growing stronger by the day.
I don't even know what I feel guilty about.
Guilt toward colleagues at work I'm inconveniencing
Guilt toward family members I'm worrying
Guilt toward people around me who are working even though they're struggling
Even when I see complete strangers working hard as usual, I feel guilty.
Ah, maybe this person is also having a hard time but still working hard. I'm sorry I'm taking a break.
and so on.
I don't even know what's what anymore.
March is coming to an end with feelings like that.
My doctor told me to rest well until the end of April and then look for a new job.
However, the anxiety about the future is overwhelming.
Honestly, this state is the hardest part...
I'm checking job sites, but I can't quite find the courage.
I'm in despair, wondering if I'll be able to change jobs like this.
I'm sure those who have been on leave for a long time are experiencing similar suffering.
What kind of people are prone to adjustment disorder?
In the first place, what kind of people get adjustment disorder?
I asked my friend, "ChatGPT," to tell me.
Serious and strong sense of responsibility: Tend to work too hard and easily harbor stress.
Perfectionist: Extremely afraid of mistakes and failures, and tend to corner themselves.
Sensitive to environmental changes: Have difficulty adapting to new workplaces or changes in human relationships.
Too concerned about others' evaluations: Tend to push themselves to meet the expectations of those around them.
Not good at relieving stress: Tend to bottle up worries and cannot refresh themselves well.
I see.
I have all of them.
Wonderful.
...Or is it not?
Especially the last one, 'I'm not good at relieving stress'.
This doesn't change even if I go on leave.
Even if I try to refresh my mood, I can't sleep at night.
Every day, I try to find some way to refresh my mood.
While I'm out with someone or being taken out to have fun, I certainly don't have any episodes.
However.
When I get home and try to sleep at night, I end up facing reality and can't sleep...
On days when I have nothing to do, it's hard to wake up in the morning.
I don't want to get up.
If I could, I'd want to sleep forever.
Because I don't want to think about anything.
It's a cycle of this state.
Will an end ever come?
I want you to rest before it's too late.
If you are reading this note and feel like you haven't been able to fall asleep lately, or you keep waking up after falling asleep...
Please use your paid leave early and take a rest!!
Once you develop adjustment disorder, it's hard to get out of it. Even if you can manage to suppress depressive symptoms, it's not easy to suppress anxiety symptoms.
I want you to rest before it's too late.
Honestly, it's tough when you get sick.
I don't even know if changing jobs will go well.
After all, companies want to hire people who are healthy in both mind and body.
Changing jobs while carrying a time bomb that could go off at any time is an extremely difficult task.
So, please.
No, absolutely, I want you to rest.
And if there is a problem with your work, I want you to change jobs while you are still healthy.
That is my earnest wish.
So, I have written about my current situation after one month of being on leave again.
There are many conflicts and anxieties, but I hope to overcome them somehow and return to a state where I can 'work' again soon.
Well then, that's all for this time.
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