A story about almost losing sight of what I absolutely must not lose sight of if I want to continue note

It has been over a month since I started note.
While continuing to post every day, I have been wandering in a maze the whole time.

Initially, my goals for starting note were: 1. I want to leave behind something like a portfolio. 2. I want to make connections. <A passive person like me on social media? The reasons for that and a record of my wandering from >

As I continued, my goals gradually changed. My new goal is to publish an "essay." But, having hardly ever read essays, my hesitation is showing too much in my writing.

The readers are confused.
I am also confused.

For the past few days, somehow, note has stopped being fun.

And, as a result of worrying too much about various things, I was trying to create an Excel file to make an update schedule.

My family's super eldest daughter, who supports me in everything, was even put off by this. She looked dumbfounded, saying, "Geez... this is just work..."

Ah, this is that bad habit of mine coming out again!

Even though I have lived for 41 years, I still haven't mastered how to handle myself. I am a parade of super difficult personality traits: stoic, dead serious, perfectionist, timid, and prone to getting depressed. (What I just introduced is only a part of my troublesome personality.)

In the first place, I started note to make my time while on leave meaningful, so what is the point if it becomes painful? Do I even know the meaning of meaningful, me?

I was just about to completely lose sight of the significance of note. Honestly, this is a situation that would leave all of humanity dumbfounded.

My real-life friends who read this will probably scold me. My apologies!!

Essays, diaries, blogs—whatever, it doesn't matter anymore! I'll stop making up various rules and tying myself down. I'll freely write about "trivial things" or "silly things" too~♪ It's not a job after all!!

That is what the positive side of me is saying.

However, the negative side of me also seems to want to say something. During our next brain meeting, I will let "both mes" run wild to their heart's content.

It will soon be two months since I started updating.
Thinking back, the first week or so was probably the only time my fingers didn't hesitate while hitting the keyboard.

I miss the excited me from back then.

But I wonder if there is anyone who can update note without any hesitation at all. Even the greatest geniuses must have their doubts, right? Even Keigo Higashino must surely have slumps, doubts, and conflicts. (Though I don't know for sure.)

Having entered a zone where I've let go of everything, I've organized my site map for the time being. Going back and forth between positive and negative, I am truly a busy "me."

But without trying to look cool, I will write down my doubts, anxieties, and conflicts just as they are.

I will spend meaningful time by updating note. If I do that, I should surely grow little by little. Because I am a woman with nothing but room for improvement.

Steady progress, one small step at a time.

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▼ This is the kind of woman who wrote this note ▼