Reflecting on Parenting and Learning About 'Love', a Mother in Her 21st Year

Hello.
I'm Yu, a woman with nothing but room to grow.

The other day, while I was shopping at my usual drugstore, a boy around 3 years old was walking by crying.

Oh dear, I wonder what's wrong. As I was wondering, I heard a mother calling the boy from right in front of me.

Oh, Mom was right here.
I thought to myself, watching their interaction with a slight smile on my face. Creepy.

It seemed the boy had done something he shouldn't have and was being scolded.
Aww, how cute.

But being a mom is tough, isn't it? It's easy for me to say 'how cute' because it's not my business.

I get it.

Now that I've become the one being scolded instead, I deeply reflect on how I used to be a proper mother back in the day...

It seems there was a period where I was a bit out of it, so my memory is fuzzy, but my three silly kids, who are now adults and even more impressive than their mother, were once small and cute.

Of course, they are still incredibly cute now, but they aren't cute in terms of size, so I'm a doting parent who periodically looks at photos of the three of them when they were chubby and agonizes over how cute they were.

Lately, since I have more time than I know what to do with, I find myself thinking about many things, but when it comes to my children, I have many regrets as a parent. Basically, I don't regret my own life. But when it comes to my children, it's a different story.

I wish I had cherished our time together more.
I wish I had taken more photos.
I wish I had created more memories for them.
I wish I had adored their sleeping faces even more.

And so much more.

The time when children are young really passes in an instant.
Especially when you are desperate with parenting, housework, and work, it's already at Mach speed.

It's a path I chose myself as a single mother, but I have nothing but regrets regarding parenting.
I've often been made to think about how I could have done things differently or how something might have been a mistake.

But you know, somehow they all grew up to be good kids, miraculously.
Mother is bewildered.

Since last year, I've been suffering from adjustment disorder, unable to work, and there are times when I cause them hardship financially. I also often cause trouble for them mentally.

My son is at an age where he wants to play, but it seems there were many times he had to turn down invitations from friends. My own mental state wasn't great, and I think he was holding in stress because he couldn't even talk to me about it.

Concerned for his younger brother, my family's super eldest daughter gave him this.

21 years old, a university student.
The episode where she takes over for Mom and gives her middle-school brother his monthly allowance.

Mom is moved. I could cry. Actually, I did cry.

Even a hopeless mom like me has to admit that I must have raised her well. (That's a lie. I'm sorry.)

A single mother, a second-generation member of a religious group, estranged from my family, and dubbed a 'useless-man-maker' by my daughters. Being that kind of mother, I've made my children endure hardships and suffer.

My eldest daughter, in particular, has had to endure so much. Perhaps because she had to hold back so much herself, she doesn't want her younger brother to have to do the same.

Mom is pathetic.
I bow my head to my daughter so low that it's sinking into the ground. I'll be in Brazil soon.

I, a doting, solo parent, am always proud of how every one of them has grown up to be such kind and thoughtful children.

But, about the toilet paper rolls.
Nobody throws them away.

I wondered how many would pile up, so I lined them up, and they neatly lined them up in the same spot. Who was it? If you have time to line them up, throw them away.

Here is what that trio of idiots looks like now that they've grown up.

They get along unnecessarily well, so as someone who is estranged from my own siblings, I watch them from behind with longing, sucking my thumb.

I hope that even if something happens to Mom in the future, the trio of idiots will continue to help each other as they always have and find happiness.

It'll be fine.
This hopeless, doting, solo mom guarantees it. (A sense of security like a boat with a hole in it.)

While I can still spend time with them, I want to cherish the sleeping faces of this trio of idiots—who (supposedly) won't be just my treasures for much longer—as much as I can.

Whenever I think of my children, the depths of my heart always feel warm. (Sometimes, it makes me feel sick.)

Perhaps this is what 'love' is.

Thank you for giving me irreplaceable happiness, my precious trio of idiots❤︎

❤︎❤︎❤︎

▼ This is the kind of woman who wrote this note ▼