The night I meant to clean up but couldn't

I looked at my messy room and thought, "I'll clean this up later."

Before I knew it, it was night, and
I had left it just as it was, without doing a thing.

Do you have nights like that?

I had intended to clean up.

When I woke up in the morning.
When I had a little time during the day.
When I thought, "I'll get it done today" in the evening.

I had been thinking that the whole time.

But when night came and I sat in the middle of the room,
somehow I couldn't do anything.

Looking at the clothes spread out on the floor,
looking at the book I was halfway through on the table,
I just grabbed my phone and collapsed onto the sofa.

I tried to move, but my body wouldn't listen to me.

On nights like this, I end up hating myself.

"Why can't I do it?"
"I put it off again."
"I'm so lazy."

Inside my head, someone is saying those things.
That someone is usually myself.

But lately, I've been thinking,

maybe I didn't clean up not because I was slacking off.

During the day, I did what I was supposed to do.
I smiled when I was supposed to be smiling.
Even though I was tired, I pretended I wasn't.

Maybe the person who couldn't do anything at night had just used it all up during the day.

Mental stamina is invisible, so it's hard to notice.

If your feet hurt, you know you "can't walk."
But even if your heart is tired, nothing changes on the outside.

That's why, without even realizing it myself,
I blame myself, wondering, "Why can't I move?"

Cleaning takes energy.

Before you even move things,
you have to make a lot of small decisions like,
"Where should I put this?" "Is it okay to throw this away?" "What should I do after this?"

When your heart is tired, these "small decisions" are the hardest.

That is why I think I couldn't do it.

It wasn't that I was slacking off.
It wasn't that I was being sloppy.

It's just that today, I had already used up all my capacity for making decisions.

I think that's all there is to it.

There are nights when I look at my messy room and fall asleep blaming myself.
They really exist.

There are also nights when I close my eyes thinking, "Tomorrow for sure."

But I think people who have experienced such nights many times over
are living each day while carrying so many things.

Rather than focusing on not being able to tidy up,
I hope you won't treat yourself too harshly,
since you made it through another day.

Even if your room is a bit messy,
you are still here, just as you are.

Sometimes, it's okay to go to sleep without tidying up.

Leave a little bit for your future self tomorrow.

There are nights when just that is enough.

Have you ever had the experience of a night ending without being able to do what you intended?


#NightStories #CantTidyUp #SelfBlame #HeartIsTired #LonelyNight #SortingEmotions #SelfEsteem #NightMonologue #NoteEssay #QuietRecovery

Before a night when you couldn't tidy up,
there was time spent all day "pretending to have it all together."

I wrote about those kinds of nights, too.