For those who feel lonelier after sending 'I'm okay'

At night, I find myself looking back at the messages I've sent.

There are nights when the words 'I'm okay' that I wrote,
look like they belong to someone else.

Back then, I wasn't actually okay.
I just didn't feel like I could say it.

*

There are nights when I sent 'I'm okay'.

I just stared at the screen with the sent mark for a while.
While waiting for a reply, I was thinking somewhere in my heart.

In truth, I wasn't really okay.
I wanted a little more of a reply.
I wanted you to care just a little bit more.

It's not that I wanted to blame you.
Actually, I just wanted you to notice a little bit.
That was all it was.

But I couldn't send that.
Even when the word 'lonely' came to mind, I immediately erased it.

I didn't want to trouble you. I didn't want to be seen as a burden.
That's why I couldn't choose any words other than 'I'm okay'.

So, I sent 'I'm okay'.

I don't think that was a lie.
It was a message where I truly tried to be fine.
It was my best possible reply, trying not to complain.

'I'm okay' was a bluff. But it wasn't a lie.

*

People who swallow their true feelings are usually slow to realize things.

That they are lonely.
That they are actually hurt.

While thinking about the other person, my own feelings get pushed to the back,
and by the time I notice, I don't even know where I put them away.

In the middle of the night, I suddenly open my phone.
I blankly look back at the messages I sent,
and sometimes I don't even know myself,
what I was really thinking back then.

That's how much I've put my own loneliness on the back burner.

*

But.

There was a real reason for the loneliness you couldn't express.

Because you didn't want to be a burden.
Because you didn't want to ruin the relationship.
Because you were afraid of being seen as "too much" by someone you care about.

That was because you were being considerate of the other person,
and it also means you were doing your very best in your own way.

So, you don't have to pretend that loneliness didn't exist.
You don't have to blame yourself for saying "I'm fine."
The nights you tried so hard to stay composed didn't mean you were weak.

You don't have to treat your own feelings carelessly.

Are there nights for you, too, when you send a text saying "I'm fine,"
but you're actually feeling a little lonely?

#Love #CannotSpeakMyTrueFeelings #TheLieOfImFine #Loneliness #NighttimeMonologue #EmotionalEssay #noteLove #SelfEsteem #QuietRecovery #NightsWithLINE

For those who want to read more on nights like this