What I was really hurt by after 'Sorry, I was asleep'

This is something I want you to read at night.

A story about something that didn't make me angry, but made me feel a little quiet.

'Sorry, I was asleep'

It's not that I was hurt by those words.

If you were asleep, it can't be helped.

I really understand that part.

But after I put my phone down,
for some reason, the room feels a little quieter.

Maybe what I was really hurt by
wasn't that the reply was late,
or that you were asleep.

I don't mean to blame you.

If you were asleep, it really can't be helped.
If you had been awake, you might have replied,
or maybe you were tired,
and in the first place, it was my own choice to wait for a reply,
and you have no obligation to do so.

I understand all of that.
In my head, I have it all sorted out.

But.

After receiving 'Sorry, I was asleep',
I put my phone down, look at the ceiling,
and think, 'Oh, good. You replied.'

I think that, but.

It's somehow a little different.

I can't explain it well, but

it's like having the relief of 'you replied' and the feeling of 'being left behind' at the same time....

You were just asleep.
You didn't mean any harm, and you didn't ignore me.

And yet, the time that only I spent waiting
remains somewhere in my chest.

I'm the only one who knows about that time.
Nothing has been conveyed to you.

It's just, somehow,
it hits you in a subtle way.

It's not enough to get angry about,
so you can't tell anyone about it, can you?

Even if I say, 'I got a reply saying sorry I was asleep, but it felt off,'

I can already see people saying,

'Well, isn't it good that they replied?'
'If they were asleep, isn't that just how it is?'

I can see that coming.

That's true, I know that, but still.

There are nights when I turn off my phone
without being able to put that 'but still' part
into words properly.

The room suddenly gets quiet, doesn't it?

Until just a moment ago, there were things like LINE notification sounds,
me debating whether or not to reply,
and the movement of my hand just staring at the phone,
things like that.

The moment 'Sorry, I was asleep' arrives,
it all just sort of ends.

Even though the conversation is continuing,
it feels like it just stops dead for a moment.

That remains as a silence.

It's not that I want to be angry,
and it's not that I want them to reply more,
it's just,

that I was a little bit alone,

that feeling remains.

It's such a small thing that I'm not even sure
if it's okay to call it 'getting hurt'.

I think this probably isn't that rare of a thing.

A night where 'I'm glad they replied' and 'something feels off'
exist at the same time.

A night where 'it can't be helped if they were asleep' and 'I was the only one waiting'
exist at the same time.

Even though no one is to blame,
the night becomes just a little bit quiet.

It's not enough to get angry about, so I can't tell anyone.
But it's not zero, either.

I wonder what name
those kinds of feelings have.

If anyone knows, I'd like you to tell me.

#Love #LINErelatable #Datingrelatable
#SomeoneILike #SorryIfellAsleep #NightTalk #FrustratingNight
#Empathy #NoteEssay #CasualEssay


On a night when I'm still waiting for a reply,
I'll quietly leave this story here, too.