Essay: "I'm Sorry" and "Thank You"

This is a mother's reflection (*- -)(*_ _)bow

⭐Wanting to protect my hurt son

I didn't realize my son had autism (a type of developmental/brain disorder).

When my son was in his first year of junior high, the stress caused him to
break down both physically and mentally, leading to extreme weight loss,
and when he developed a vacant expression from lack of sleep,
I blamed myself.

What are you doing!
You're his mother, pull yourself together!
When your son is suffering this much,
is this really the time to be working a full-time, 5-day-a-week job,
or doing PTA work for your daughter's elementary school?!
Have you got your priorities wrong!?

With that relentless self-reproach,
my heart and body felt completely limp.
Even so, I tried not to show my weakness,
not just to my son, but to my daughter who was still in elementary school,
so I kept smiling all day long.

When I was told, "If he can't eat any more, his brain will atrophy,"
I was so shocked that tears welled up,
but that shock became a turning point,
and I remember bracing myself and resolving,
"No matter how, I must get him to eat a little bit,
sleep slowly, and recover his body."

From there,
I started by being there for my son who was barely eating due to insomnia,
went through cognitive behavioral therapy parent training (1st year of junior high),
a school for children who couldn't attend regular school (2nd year of junior high),
eventually being able to attend a separate room at school (3rd year of junior high), and graduated.
Now, he is enjoying his high school life freely at a correspondence high school.

Thinking back, it was a long road,
but it felt like it passed in the blink of an eye.

And,
while I was focusing on my son,
I almost completely put my daughter on the back burner.
I still feel regret about that.

⭐Do you know about "sibling children"?

"Sibling children" Do you know this term?

It's been a few years since my son's health collapsed.
Both my husband and I
were almost entirely occupied with our son.

It was only when my daughter, who was still in elementary school,
would call out, "Hey, listen to me too!" that
I would switch into listening mode.
I feel sorry even now when I think about it.

It was thanks to the world of note that I learned this term.

Thanks to the notes from Yuyu-san and Pippi-san,
I was able to realize something important,
not just through words,
but by understanding the painful experiences behind them.
It really opened my eyes.

⭐ My daughter who held back so much

By looking at my daughter again,
I have come to understand many things.

・That she felt lonely.
・That she kept quiet without consulting her parents or brother, who seemed to be having a hard time.
・That she envied her brother for getting to spend so much time with our parents.
・That she wanted to say she wanted to be cherished, wanted attention, and wanted to be together.

As she held back in so many different ways,
she gradually became unable to express her honest feelings
to her friends or family,
and partly due to the influence of the home-study period during COVID,
she felt increasingly anxious as the distance between her and her friends grew.

I apologized from the bottom of my heart
for forcing my daughter, who was still in elementary school,
to endure so much.

After she returned from school or lessons,
taking time to talk together
and giving her hugs filled with love
naturally became our daily routine.

My daughter's tense expression gradually softened,
and her smiles increased more and more.

"It's not fair that only big brother gets attention!"
"I want to go too, so please go on the weekend," etc.,
she became able to express her honest feelings to the family.

Ah, I'm glad I noticed.
I felt glad that I was in time.

That said,
since a heart that has been hurt once cannot be healed easily,
I think there will be times when she remembers being a sibling of a child with special needs
and feels sad.
I intend to be there for her each time.

Eventually, my daughter entered junior high school
and joined the brass band club, which is famous for being extremely intense.

Since one of my note friends has experience with it, I asked them,
and they said it has been famous for a long time as a club that is intense even though it is a cultural activity.

When my daughter, exhausted from her busy days, was pushed to the edge
and her mind and body were on the verge of falling apart again,
my heart ached so much.

Recently, my daughter suddenly said this to me.

"My mom is a bit of a scatterbrain, but
I'm glad I hit the jackpot with my parents.
I'm glad you're my mom."

I burst into tears.

Even though she went through hard times because of my shortcomings,
I was so happy that she said she was okay with a mom like me.

I have never felt confident in my parenting.
Even now, there are things I regret so much that my heart aches,
and things that make me want to slide into a deep bow of apology whenever I remember them.
Even so, I am glad I became a mother.

I deeply realized that while I thought I was raising a child,
I was actually raising myself.

I thought I was fully grown up,
but I'm not at all, not yet! Not yet!

In this world,
there are many things that cannot be undone.

Depending on your subsequent actions,
there are also things that can be recovered.

In that famous manga, the coach I admire left behind a famous quote:

"Never give up hope until the very end.
If you give up, the game is over right then and there."

I wholeheartedly agree with that too (^^♪

Always,

from anywhere.

You can start over

As long as you have the desire

to start over

Thank you for reading until the end❣