A Saturday when my daughter, who refuses to go to school, cried and asked me not to go to work

I am shiiimo, a mother of five.

shiiimo's job is as a teacher at a vocational school.

Usually, I am off on Saturdays and Sundays.
However.

For my eldest daughter who refuses to go to school,
so that I can take time off on weekdays.

Before I run out of paid leave,
I have to earn some compensatory time off... (looking into the distance)

And so, the mother goes to work on her day off.

The wall standing in the way of shiiimo working on her day off

It has been a while since I worked on a day off.
Although it is very, very troublesome,
since my husband is here, it is a very relaxing day off work because I don't have to do the nursery school drop-off and pick-up.

I busily got ready,
and just as I was about to leave the house after telling my husband, 'I'm counting on you!'

I heard sobbing coming from the storage room next to the entrance.

'...Mom, don't go...'

It was my eldest daughter.

When I went to her as she was crying quietly,
she said that to me while shaking her shoulders with hiccups.

"Hmm, I want to be with you too. But... I have to go now..."

The time to leave for work was closing in. My eldest daughter was crying and pulling on my sleeve.

At my wit's end, I called my husband. Husband: "Mommy has to go to work now."

Even though he tried to persuade and soothe her by holding her, she screamed, "Mommy!!" I couldn't turn my back on my eldest daughter.

I couldn't bear to leave my eldest daughter in this state and entrust her to my husband while the other four children were also there...

"Agh, seriously! I don't have time! Then come to school with me!? Come on, get changed!!!"

Pushed by the scream of a mother with no time and no patience, my eldest daughter hurriedly got ready and followed me.

A mother going to work, and her truant eldest daughter.

Usually, I am shiiimo, who shouts love to my children and husband (I am aware of this).

This was an irregular situation that happened just as I was about to head out in work mode. I was anxious, wondering if I would even make it on time. And along with that, I was irritated.

While walking, I contacted my supervisors to let them know I was bringing my child, got their approval, and hurried to the station.

I held the hand of my eldest daughter, whose tears had stopped but whose eyes were bright red. "Mommy can't be by your side the whole time while I'm working at school. I didn't bring any games, so you'll be bored, and I can't give you my smartphone because I need it for work."

If you're going to turn back, now is the time.
I said that while walking quickly, putting a little bit of that feeling into my words.

She nodded, a small bob of her head.

I realized that I didn't want to play games on my day off, I wanted to be with you, Mom.

My eldest daughter whispered that while jogging to keep up with my hurried pace.

Oh. Seriously.
What am I supposed to do
with these feelings?

Honestly, I was still feeling irritated that she had been such a handful since the morning.
But I was also incredibly angry at myself for making my daughter say something like that.

I said, "I'm sorry."
Unable to contain the feeling of "Oh, for heaven's sake!",
I just squeezed my daughter's hand tightly.

"............I'll buy you some sweets, okay?"

That was the best I could come up with for a kind word.

My eldest daughter watching over her mother at work

At my school, various staff members bring their children to school festivals and summer events.
My own children have visited many times, so it's a place my eldest daughter is relatively used to.

When working on holidays, there are many times when my superiors also bring their children if they have no other options.
Some of them know about my eldest daughter's school refusal, so they kindly agreed to this day as well.

By the way,
if you're wondering what teachers do when they work on holidays,
it's running open campus events for people considering enrolling.

While the PR team manages the events, of course,
it is the teachers who handle the actual lessons and activities.
We work together to recruit prospective students.

When I first joined the company, shiiimo was also in PR.
It was my first year after graduation.
As a fresh university graduate, shiiimo knew nothing.
The senior colleague who sat next to me and taught me the ropes of the job has since had two children, continues to work energetically, and is now in a top PR position.

"Wow. You've grown so tall!"

My eldest daughter, who had come to the staff room with her back hunched and small, trying to hide behind me, was warmly welcomed by that senior colleague and many others.

Since there were no other children there that day, my eldest daughter was understandably nervous.
But as everyone at the office talked to her and gave her snacks, she gradually began to smile.

She was lent a spare iPad for students, and she sat quietly at my desk watching YouTube, patiently waiting for me to finish work.

That day, just before June, was a time when we were preparing for three-way career counseling sessions.
The event was a huge success, and I couldn't even get back to the staff room where my daughter was waiting.

By the time things finally settled down, it was already afternoon.
When I returned to my seat, my eldest daughter was sitting there being a good girl, not even spinning in the swivel chair.

"I'm sorry I'm late, I was so busy."
When I said that,
"It must be hard, huh?"
my eldest daughter said.

That's right, Mommy is working hard!
I said that as I patted her head.

"Hehe. Is it for us?"

my eldest daughter asked.

"Yes. ...Well, I suppose so."

For the children.
To save money for our family's future.
To reduce the burden on my husband, who works too hard.
I am working hard.

That must be it.

But.
Just like my daughter cried and resisted this morning,
is this something I should be doing even at the cost of time with my children?

But, in order to be together on weekdays,
that is why I am here today, after all...

My eldest daughter saves me from spiraling
with the words, "Mommy, thank you."

When I looked closely at my seat,
a small portion of the snacks I bought for my eldest daughter was sitting
right on top of the Chip Star lid.

I wish we could always be together.

On the way home.
A strong wind was blowing at the station while we waited for the train.
My eldest daughter, who had rushed out of the house in short sleeves, rubbed her arms, looking a little cold.

I put the light jacket I was wearing onto my eldest daughter.

"Are you okay, Mom?"
I'm fine, I said, as I adjusted my backpack.

"You must be tired. It's a place you're not used to. And all you had was YouTube."

My eldest daughter put her arms through the sleeves of the oversized jacket.
Her expression looked somewhat relieved.

"Yeah, I'm tired. But I'm glad I could be with you, Mom."

Hearing those words.

As I felt an indescribable emotion, the train
slid into the station in front of me.

"Trains are tiring, too. But it's nice once in a while."

Saying that, my eldest daughter pulled my hand,
and we boarded the train home.

I have to work on my day off again tomorrow.

My husband had already explained it to our eldest daughter, and had persuaded her by saying,
Mom has work, so why don't you go to badminton practice instead?
.

However, I don't know how things will turn out.
Perhaps even my eldest daughter doesn't know.

That day. When morning came, she saw me getting ready to leave even though it was Saturday.

She had heard that I had work, but...

A day off without me was harder than she had expected.
I understand now that that must have been the case.
So, only she will know how she feels when she sees me off tomorrow.

Therefore, only she will know how she feels when she sees me off tomorrow.
Wait, that's not right.

Also, my second daughter likes the school where I work, so
there is a possibility she might tag along.

If that happens,
well, I'll think about it then.

My own feelings haven't settled yet.
If my children are pushing themselves too hard because I continue to work like this,
I start to wonder what I am working for,
and I almost get lost in a negative loop of thinking.

Even now, as I write this,
I haven't found any answers.

For working mothers,
this must surely be an eternal theme.

I really do want to reduce the number of days I work on my days off.
Yes, I think I will try to negotiate that directly.
I'll think about it again after I've used up my paid leave for the weekdays.

Will I be able to be kinder to my children tomorrow?
I hope so.
I hope that's the case.

Days where both my children and I wander in search of the right answer.
However, reaching the right answer doesn't mean everything will become easy.

One moment at a time.
Let's face those emotions as they come.
That is all I can do.

Something I've been trying to cherish in my own way lately.

At my own pace, taking it slow.

I hope I can keep going like this.

On nights when emotions with nowhere to go well up.
I'm glad I have note.

To my future self tomorrow.
Let's take it slow.

Everyone, let's take it easy too.
Let's keep going, shall we?🍀

Facing note as well.
It's all about that 'take it slow' mindset, isn't it.