"Where do you want to go?" is a turn-off

"The moment I'm asked 'Where do you want to go?', I think, 'Oh, this person is just dumping the responsibility on me.'"
What a woman said while I was giving her a treatment really resonated with me.
The words you say out of "kindness" might actually be a burden to her.

I once worked as a therapist for women for over three years, serving more than 1,000 female clients.
During treatments, I heard the honest thoughts that women usually don't tell anyone, and I want to share them.

"Where do you want to go?" "What do you want to eat?" "When can we meet?"
These are words men use thinking they are being "kind."

However, to women, these are all received as having thesame meaning.

"He's a man who makes me decide everything."

Women are tired of being forced to make decisions.
Unconsciously, they choose men who will make decisions for them.

In this article, I will list8 habits that make women want to leave, comparing the NG (no-good) and OK versions.
Finally, I will share the one core principle common to all eight.

Habit 1: "Where do you want to go?"

NG

"Where do you want to go next time? Where would be good?"

OK

"Let's go out for a meal next time. I'm interested in these three places: A, B, and C. Which one are you interested in?"

One woman said:
"The moment I'm asked 'Where do you want to go?', I think, 'Oh, this person is just dumping the responsibility on me.' Planning the date together becomes a burden for me."

Another woman said this:
"When he narrowed it down and suggested, 'I have three candidates,' I was happy just knowing he had looked into it for me."

A question is received as the same thing as dumping responsibility.
A suggestion is received as the same thing as showing interest.
Anda suggestion narrowed down to three choicesconveys both interest and respect at the same time.

Habit 2: "What do you want to eat?"

NG

"What should we do for dinner? What do you want to eat?"

OK

"Between Japanese, Italian, or Chinese, what are you in the mood for today?"

When asked 'What do you want to eat?', a woman instantly enters thinking mode. Japanese, Italian, French, Chinese, Korean.
With too many options, her brain gets tired.

This is where the rule of three works.
From these five genres, narrow them down to three options to present based on the other person.

When told, 'Between Japanese, Italian, and Chinese, what are you in the mood for?', a woman enters selection mode.

She doesn't have to think from scratch.
She just has to choose based on her mood from the three options.
This way, her brain won't get tired.

The point is that it is not one option, not five, but three.
One option feels like a demand, five options feels like dumping the responsibility on her, but three options sends the message that you narrowed it down for her.

'When he asked me, "Between Japanese, Italian, and Chinese, which would you like?", I felt like he had really thought about it for my sake.'
This is the honest opinion of women.

Catchphrase 3: 'When can we meet?'

NG

'When can we meet?', 'Are you free next week?'

OK

'I'm free next Friday, Saturday, or Sunday night. Do any of those work for you?'

Vague questions give women room to say no.

When asked 'When can we meet?', a woman opens her calendar in her head.
While checking her schedule, she procrastinates by thinking, 'I'm busy next week, so the week after is fine.'
And that 'week after' never comes.

Here too, the rule of three works.
When a woman is presented with three specific candidate days, she only needs to check her calendar and choose one that works.
If you only suggest one day, it ends with 'That day is a bit...', but with three days, the probability that one of them will work increases dramatically.

'It's easy to be with someone who gives me three schedule options. I don't have to do the work.'
This is something I have heard many times in the field.

Catchphrase 4: 'Want to see a movie?'

NG

'Want to see a movie sometime? Is there anything you want to see?'

OK

'I'm interested in "XX", "YY", and "ZZ". Which one do you think looks interesting?'

"Want to watch a movie?" doesn't even confirm the genre.
A woman asked this has to decide the genre herself and pick the film herself.
That's no different from choosing a movie all by herself.

Here, too, use the three-choice rule.
A woman presented with three picked films gets to know his tastes.
Since she only has to choose from three, there is no burden.

Whether she goes along with what he likes or declines and makes a different suggestion,
either way,a conversation begins.

If you only suggest one film, it ends with "I'm not interested," but with three, she can find something she wants to see.

Three choices, no more, no less.
This is the principle.

"Want to watch a movie sometime? Anything you want to see?" is a sign ofa man who cannot show his own interests.

Habit #5: "What should we do next?"

NG

"What should we do next? Where should we go?"

OK

"Let's go to XX next. You said you wanted to see YY, right?"

This is a remark made during a date.
Like after finishing a meal, or the moment you leave the restaurant.

A woman asked "What should we do next?" feels like"it's already over."She feels as if he has abandoned the planning of the date.

A man who can say "Let's go to XX next" isa man who has planned the date to the very end.
And the moment he adds "the YY we talked about before," she realizes:
"This person remembers what I said."

This creates the feeling in her that she "wants to see him again."

Habit #6: "Are you having fun?"

NG

"Are you having fun? Are you okay?"

OK

(Observe in silence. Judge by her expression.)

When a woman is asked, 'Are you having fun?', she has no choice but to say yes, even if it's a lie.
When she is truly having fun, there is no need to ask her, 'Are you having fun?'
You only feel the need to confirm it because she isn't having fun.

And a man who feels the need to confirm is a man who is harboring anxiety.
A man who shows his anxiety becomes a 'man who is exhausting to be around' for a woman.

Instead of saying, 'Are you having fun?',look into her eyes.
Is there a sparkle in them, or are they cast downward?
Is her voice tone high or low?
If you look at those things, you will know without having to ask.

'On days when I was asked "Are you having fun?" over and over, I got really exhausted. It felt like it was my job to say "I'm having fun."'
This is a woman's true feeling.

Habitual phrase 7: 'Anything is fine'

NG

'Anything is fine for me. Do whatever you like.'

OK

'I'd prefer something like [X]. But I'd like to hear your preference too.'

'Anything is fine' is not kindness.
It means you have no opinion.

To a woman, a man with no opinion feels like,'I don't understand this person.'A woman cannot trust someone she doesn't understand.

Have your own opinion while also listening to hers.
While having your own core, respect the other person's perspective as well..
This is how a man who gets chosen speaks.

'When he says something like "I'm an Italian food person," it makes me happy because I feel like I can see who he is inside. People who say "anything is fine" always remain strangers.'

Habitual phrase 8: 'Do whatever you like'

NG

'I'll leave it all to you. Do whatever you like.'

OK

'Tell me more about what you think' (From passive to active)

'Do whatever you like' may look like 'respecting the other person' on the surface.
However, to a woman, this comes across as a'I won't do anything' declaration.

A man who gets chosen doesn't make the woman decide.
He actively draws out the woman's thoughts and makes a proposal based on them.

A man who can say, "Tell me more about yourself," is a man who enters a woman's world.
Only to the man who enters does a woman open her heart.

"When he told me, 'Do whatever you like,' I felt lonely. It didn't feel like he was 'trusting me with it,' it felt like I was being 'left to my own devices.'"
This is how women feel.

One thing common to all eight

There is only one thing that all eight habits have in common.

"A man who doesn't make his own decisions"

He uses the form of a question to make the woman decide.
He hides his lack of opinion behind a facade of kindness.
He abandons responsibility under the guise of leaving it to her.

Women see right through this instantly.

And then, they judge him like this.

"If I'm with this person, I'll end up carrying the burden for everything."

In that moment, the woman mentally walks away.
Even if her body is still there, her heart is already gone.

The sense of security created by a "man who decides"

Conversely, the man who gets chosen is one who decides.

This is not about being "bossy."

He is a man who has his own core while still listening to the other person's opinion.

A woman once said:
"He makes decisions, but he always asks for my opinion too. Instead of saying 'Is this okay?', he says, 'I think this would be good, what do you think?' That's why it doesn't feel like he's forcing it on me."

This is how a man who gets chosen speaks.

"Deciding" + "Listening".
Only a man who does both can provide a woman with a sense of security.

Another effect brought about by the three-choice method

Proposing three choices is not just a technique to stop being a "man who can't decide."
The essence lies much deeper than that.

By providing options yourself, you create an environment where it is easier for the other person to choose.
And from those, the woman chooses her own path.

This is the core of the three-choice method.
It is neither forcing your will nor dumping the responsibility on her, but ratheran experience where she herself chooses from the paths providedto her.
This leaves the woman with the feeling of being 'respected'.

And there is another major benefit.

If you keep offering three choices, one day, the woman will start making suggestions herself.

The moment this happens, the relationship has entered the next stage.

This is because a woman only makes suggestions herself when she iswith someone she feels safe and open with.A woman who is not usually in the position of making suggestions starts doing so.
That is nothing less than
proof that she has shown you her true feelings.

The three-choice method is not just a technique to reduce the burden on the other person.
It is also a technique to create soil where the other person can express their true feelings.

Becoming a man who can make decisions ultimately means becoming
a man with whom a woman can feel safe and express her true thoughts.

Rewriting the definition of kindness

Having read this far, some of you might feel this way.
'Isn't it kindness to leave it up to the other person?'

No.
I want you to clearly rewrite that.

'Anything is fine' or 'Do whatever you like' isabandonmentdisguised as kindness.
True kindness is thinking for the other person, narrowing things down for them, and presenting three options that are easy for them to choose from.

Only a man who does not shy away from that effort becomes a 'kind man' to a woman.

To become a man who creates the flow

Finally, I will summarize the way of speaking of a man who gets chosen into three principles.

Principle 1: Propose three choices instead of asking questions

Stop saying 'What should we do?' and change it to 'Which one would you like, A, B, or C?'. One choice is forcing, five choices is dumping responsibility.

Only three choices convey both interest and respect at the same time.

Principle 2: State your own opinion first

Stop saying 'Anything is fine' and start saying 'I want to go to...'

Principle 3: Actively draw out the other person's story

Stop saying 'I'll leave it to you' and start saying 'Tell me more about that.'

Just by being conscious of these three things, the eight bad habits will naturally be corrected.
And women will start to perceive you as a 'man who can make decisions.'

That is the true nature of a 'man who creates the flow.'

Things you can do starting today

On your next date, I want you to make 'Where do you want to go?' and 'Anything is fine' forbidden phrases.

Instead, put your own opinion forward first.
Don't let the other person decide.
Don't leave it to them.
Don't throw the responsibility back at them.

You might feel anxious at first.
Thinking, 'What if they don't like my suggestion?'

But rest assured.
Women are used to turning down men who make suggestions.
If you get turned down, you just need to make another suggestion.

Doing nothing is many times worse.

The moment you become a man who decides, women will stop wanting to leave your side.

Going beyond the 'man who can't decide'

In this article, I conveyed the one common thread among the eight bad habits—the 'man who doesn't decide for himself'—and the principle of delivering both interest and respect through three-choice suggestions.

However, there is a deeper layer beyond this point.

• Why do men who are conscious of 'offering three choices' often miss the timing to present options?

• What is the one point that allows women to distinguish between a 'man who decides' and a 'man who is pushy' in just a few seconds?

• Even if you stop the eight bad habits, what is missing for the man who still can't keep the conversation going?

The answers to these are provided in the paid magazine 'Dating Textbook Vol. 2: The Complete Conversation Guide' in Chapter 2, 'What to talk about—Self-disclosure is something you 'make' them do,' and Chapter 5, 'Putting the subject on the other person—The higher philosophy of conversation.'

Chapter 2 and Chapter 5 cover the following content.

• The essence of conversation consists of 3 points(Speaking, listening, and empathizing)

• The physical expression of a 'man who decides'(Deciding through actions rather than words)

• A superior mindset that centers the other person(Balancing making decisions while using the other person's will as the starting point)

• The application of the 3-choice method(How to present options for meals, plans, topics, destinations, photos, etc.)

• Self-disclosure is something you 'make' them do(A structure that draws it out rather than offering it yourself)

This is not an article about 'fixing your verbal habits,' but rather content on 'internalizing the 3 essentials of conversation for different situations.'
It even includes the 'techniques for driving conversation based on what you've decided' that are necessary after you've moved past being a 'man who doesn't decide for himself.'

Furthermore, the complete guide to conversation consists of 6 chapters, a prologue, an epilogue, and bonuses, with chapters 2 and 5 being the core of the conversation.
Including the 2-type social anxiety diagnosis, listening, empathizing, how to compliment, and giving first, you will gain the full picture of a 'man who doesn't tire women out in conversation.'

Thank you for reading until the end.
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Sakura | Dating Coach who knows the true feelings of women