"I'm fine with this" vs. "I want this" - Toward a life where sharing with family doesn't become coercion

"I'm fine with this" and "I want this."
Though they may seem similar, there is a significant difference between these two phrases.
In this column, I would like to use the difference between these words as a starting point to think about "psychological safety in the home and the recovery of one's true self."

The term psychological safety is often discussed in workplaces and schools, but in reality, it may be gradually lost day by day even within families, such as between spouses or parents and children.

"No way, we're fine."
Perhaps it is precisely when you think that way that you should pause and take a moment.

While you may have a clear sense of direction in your daily life, saying "I want this," do you have any inkling that your husband or wife has made "I'm fine with this..." their catchphrase?

"I'm fine with this" is a choice made by compromising within certain conditions.
It is a feeling of settling for something safe while avoiding friction with those around you.

On the other hand, "I want this" is a choice born from one's own sensibilities and conviction.
There is agency in that.

However, in modern society, I feel there are more adults living by saying "I'm fine with this" than adults who can say "I want this."

Many people focus on completing their tasks without mistakes at work.
When they return home, they then try hard to be a "proper parent."
That is by no means a bad thing.
Rather, it is proof that many adults are trying to fulfill their responsibilities.

However, in the accumulation of that, might we be putting our "true selves" on the back burner before we even realize it?

At such times, people may end up living while compromising by saying "I'm fine with this."
That is not a compromise based on conviction, but one that is somewhat closer to resignation.

Things gradually lost from conversations between spouses

Before marriage, you should have been interested in each other's interests and sensibilities, but after marriage, you are chased by daily tasks in your respective roles, and you lose the leeway to have slow, meaningful conversations. Before you know it, the time spent focusing on your partner's interests also decreases.

For example, don't you have conversations like this?

Even if you try to start a conversation by saying, "I've been interested in this lately," your partner is exhausted from work and their reaction is weak.
Or, it is lightly dismissed with, "Aren't you overthinking that?"

Conversely, even if you say, "I've become interested in this lately," you might be shut down with a sarcastic remark like, "It's amazing you have the time for that while being so busy with child-rearing."

Even if each interaction is small, when non-responsiveness, indifference, and denial accumulate, people gradually refrain from putting their inner thoughts into words.

This kind of atmosphere has something in common with the culture of guidance through "ignoring" or "denial" once seen in sports-oriented club activities.
Those actions, performed in the name of "educational guidance," can sometimes create an atmosphere where, regardless of the person's intent, one feels "it's better not to show my true self here."

It is the same thing; psychological safety within the home may be gradually eroded in invisible ways.

The home should originally be a place where you can feel safe.
However, in the small daily interactions, it has become difficult to express oneself without even realizing it.
A "decline in psychological safety" may be quietly spreading without anyone noticing.

Reclaiming your sense of self from areas that aren't shared

So, how can we reclaim our sense of self?
As one hint, I look toward "non-shared areas."

Much of family life is about "sharing."
The home, household finances, child-rearing, and rules for living.
That is precisely why conflict and hesitation are so likely to arise there.

However, there are things in the home, such as equipment or furniture, that are not necessarily shared by the family.

For example, attire—clothes and accessories are basically personal items.
Also, at the dining table, even if it is difficult to change the cooking for each family member, it is perfectly fine for the dishes, cutlery, and placemats to be different for each person.

These "non-shared daily items" become small gateways for expressing your sense of self.
Because time and space are shared, but things that are not shared are less likely to cause conflict, making it easier to maintain psychological safety.

Actually, I liked this kind of outfit.
I wanted to eat with these kinds of dishes.

Such small discoveries help you gradually remember the feeling of "I want this."

"A face overflowing with what you love" changes the atmosphere of the home

Expressing your "likes" little by little.
Then, mysteriously, people's expressions begin to change as well.

A smug face can sometimes invite resentment from those around you.
However, a face absorbed in something you love is somehow softer, and it is difficult for those around you to deny it.

When someone in the family has a "face overflowing with what they love," that atmosphere gradually spreads.

"I didn't know you liked clothes like that."
"That dish is nice."
From such casual remarks, family conversations can change a little.

Things like that are easy to express yourself with, without even needing to consult your family.

If there is someone here who says, "No, the atmosphere in my home isn't one where I can even express myself that freely with clothes or tableware," doesn't that actually indicate that psychological safety is not guaranteed within your home?

If you are in an environment where you can say "I want this" when choosing clothes or tableware, why not start by enjoying self-expression through "things" that you don't share with your family?

Unexpectedly, it can lead to a rediscovery like "Oh yes, I liked things like this," or it can be a step toward the agency of saying "I want to dress like this."

On the other hand, when a family member says, "I want to try wearing clothes like this," you might sometimes lightly say, "Doesn't that not suit you?"

Of course, there is no ill intent.
However, such casual remarks can sometimes create an atmosphere where it is difficult for others to express their true selves.

If you can think of any such situations, it might be worth reflecting on your own behavior, thinking, "Perhaps I have been narrowing the space where my family can be themselves."

Experiencing small moments of "I prefer this"

At a Lithuanian linen shop in Nanko, Osaka, an activity called "Komorebito" is being carried out in cooperation with individual business owners involved in clothing, food, and housing to encourage people in their daily lives.

Workshops that help people find opportunities to feel "I like this!" in their daily lives are held frequently throughout the year.

Not big challenges, but noticing the small things you "like" in everyday life... such experiences can sometimes be the catalyst for people to regain their sense of self.

You don't have to compare yourself to others.
You don't have to win against anyone.
I believe it is fine to take small, shining steps that only you can take.

Not "I'm fine with this," but "I preferthis."

I hope that the moments when such words can be spoken naturally in daily life will gradually increase.
And children, too, are carefully watching their parents' backs.

When "sharing" turns into "coercion"

There are many things to "share" in a family.
As long as you live together, that is natural.
However, without realizing it, "sharing" can sometimes turn into "coercion."

Housework that should be shared can end up becoming a forced division of roles.
An attempt to share values can create an atmosphere of "this is the right way."

When such boundaries become blurred, people may feel a sense of suffocation.
Even if you don't feel suffocated, unique fixed ideas can solidify within the family, and everyone's perspective can gradually narrow.

That is precisely why I think it might be okay to have "areas that are not shared" within the family.
It might even be necessary to intentionally create "areas that are not shared."

It can be small choices like clothes or tableware.
I believe that having small situations where you can say "I prefer this" provides the margin needed to protect your sense of self.

In the past, my family of three would go to the movie theater, respect each other's "I want to watch this!" choices, watch the movies we each liked, and then meet up for a meal as a matter of course.

As such small "I prefer this" moments accumulate, the very atmosphere of the home might gradually change before you know it.

Not "I'm fine with this," but "Iprefer this."

I hope to see more families where such words can be spoken naturally in daily life.
I would like to start with a lifestyle that allows us to be a little more tolerant, both toward ourselves and our family members.

Backstage, Inc.
Culture Formation Designer
Yoshinori Kawai

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◆ Why it becomes painful to keep providing the "correct" answer

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