For women who can't stop feeling frustrated with a younger boyfriend who has a low perspective. That unease is actually something you created yourself

At the time, I was in my third year of working (24 years old), and I was on the phone around 10 PM after work with my boyfriend (22 years old, not my current husband), who had been working at a human resources company for three months.

Boyfriend: "I was hitting Japanese drums with my peers during training today, and I'm so exhausted~"

My inner thoughts:
Huh? You're that tired from saying you hit drums during work? While I'm in the middle of negotiating with the president over whether or not to approve a 1 billion yen loan and fighting with the credit department?

Ugh, I'm so frustrated that I can't even take in what he's saying.

The evolution of him and me

When we first started dating, I had more leeway in my work, and since he was still a university student, he would always come to see me according to my work schedule.
In other words, we were getting along quite well.

However, ever since he started working as a professional...

We really didn't have anything in common.
He would only talk about hitting Japanese drums, harvesting vegetables, or how hard it was to have English conversation lessons with all his peers in the morning.
He'd talk about how his peer, so-and-so, didn't invite him to hang out... I couldn't care less.
And he didn't even have the attitude of wanting to listen to my stories.

I would read the Nikkei newspaper on a crowded train in the morning, report to my department manager first thing, negotiate with the president on three meetings, battle with the credit department, and fight over a project that would affect the company's growth depending on whether the credit was approved within two days?

Are you fighting bugs in a field?

But I never directly told my boyfriend about that frustration, "That sounds tough~" ☺ I would say, just getting through the days.

I say 'getting through' because that's how I was barely managing.

The tragedy that happened one morning

As everyone who has read this far has probably guessed, shortly after this, I put an end to my relationship with my boyfriend, which had lasted about a year and a half.
Or rather, the day after I came home from a company golf tournament on Saturday and fell asleep from exhaustion.
On Sunday morning, when I looked at my smartphone, I had been dumped.

Later, I heard through the grapevine that he already had someone he liked at the same company at that time, and in fact, they were already dating.

I am grateful that I was able to use it as material for girls' nights out for a while after that.

I wasn't actually frustrated with a 'boyfriend with a low perspective'

So, what did I learn from this experience, and why am I even working as a marriage advisor now?

While deepening my self-understanding, I realized that
I wasn't frustrated with his perspective.

I was suffering because I couldn't express my true feelings.

In reality, I wanted him to 'listen to my stories too,' 'I'm tired too and want to be praised,' and 'I want to talk more about the future.'

I had those feelings, but I couldn't say them. I didn't want to be seen as high-maintenance.

I kept thinking things like, 'Why are you so tired over something so trivial?' and 'Why is your level so low?'

But looking back calmly, it was only natural.Because I hadn't communicated anything at all.

I was running away from the things I could control.

Reading this back now, I realize that back then, I didn't even have the option of 'having a discussion.'

I was afraid to tell him about my unease, so I would just end the conversation with 'That sounds tough, haha.'
Every time I repeated that, the things we could talk about decreased, and I think an invisible realm of loneliness spread between us.

If you avoid conflict, things go smoothly for the moment. But for every emotion you suppress, resentment and grudges quietly pile up inside you.


However, the only thing you can control is not others, but your own actions. You can't choose how he reacts. The only thing you can choose is how you communicate.

I had been looking away from those 'things I could do' for a long time.

Why did his words bother me so much?

But as I looked deeper into myself, I realized another important thing.

The reason I was so frustrated wasn't because of his words themselves.
The moment I received those words, the'beliefs created by past experiences'inside me reacted on their own.

These are the foundations of thought and values built up through a accumulation of past experiences.
During my time as a bank employee, reading the Nikkei newspaper from the morning, meeting with company presidents, and negotiating with the credit department, I think the beliefs that 'you must not show weakness' and 'you have no value unless you are always at a high level' were unconsciously ingrained in me.

That's why the moment he said, 'I'm tired from playing the Japanese drums,' I unconsciously picked it up as 'weakness' or 'being spoiled.'

Rather than his words themselves, I was looking at him through a filter I had created in the past.


In other words, what I was judging wasn't him, but the habit of thought I had acquired to survive in the past: 'not allowing weakness.'

Behind the desire to change him, I think there was always a 'part of me that couldn't allow my own weakness' hiding.

It looked like 'the other person's problem,' but it was actually my own problem.

When you're in a relationship, you want to think 'the other person is at fault.'

My boyfriend's perspective is low. My boyfriend doesn't grow. My boyfriend doesn't understand me.

I would end up collecting evidence that makes me think, 'I am the good person, and he is the bad person.'
I was doing exactly that.
By shifting the blame to his problems, saying, 'It's because his perspective is low' or 'It's because he's immature.'

But often, your own issues are hidden within that.

In my case, it was the issues I've had since I was young: 'not being able to say what I really think,' 'not being able to express expectations,' and 'fearing being disliked.'
And the habit of not showing weakness that I cultivated during my banking days piled up on top of that.

And by blaming him for it, I was able to avoid facing it directly.

I was just seeing my own weakness through him.

This is how I think now.

Now, I believe that you cannot change people.

The only person you can change is yourself. So first, know your own feelings.

And then communicate them. If you still don't match, there's no need to force yourself to stay together.

The old me used to bottle up dissatisfaction while trying to accommodate the other person. But now it's different.

I say what I want to say. I ask for what I want to ask for.

If our values are different, I accept it.

It is much easier that way, and your relationships will be healthier too.

Things I want to tell my past self

If you are currently feeling frustrated with a younger boyfriend or partner, I want you to think about this just once.

Is that unease really caused by the other person?

Perhaps it is...

The you who suppresses what you want to say. The you who is sensitive to expectations. The you who is afraid of being disliked.

It might be a sign from that version of yourself.

Before trying to change the other person, understand your own true feelings.

And then, find the courage to express them.

The key to making love easier might just be found there.

I explain in detail about the beliefs and belief systems created by your past self♪

Thank you for reading until the end♫