The Day I Stopped Putting Myself Last ― Just Do It ―

It's not just the cool version of me.

It's not just the successful version of me.

The version of me who couldn't cry.

The version of me who failed.

The version of me who didn't know what to do.

I embrace them all.

This is fine.

Just under the moonlight,

like a jellyfish drifting in the sea...
✧• ──────────── •✧

"Gentle Moon"
This is the story that began with this song.

If you'd like,
please listen to it first.

And then,
after you finish reading this story,

if you find yourself wanting to look up at that moon once more,
that alone

is enough.🌙
🎧 "Gentle Moon"

Lyric / Kokone

This song is a project participation entry.
When this song was created, I learned about this project and wanted to participate, so I took the plunge.

The project I am participating in is
here👇

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈
I have lived my whole life putting myself last.

That's what I think.

Of course, I have no regrets about the paths I chose at the time.

Choosing to spend time with my father.
Becoming a nurse.

Everything was a path that I chose for myself back then.

When I started attending an acting school while working as an assistant nurse in Osaka, my father's illness was discovered.

After receiving a terminal diagnosis, something stopped inside me.

My mother said,

"Keep going."

But at that time, I was a daughter.

As an only daughter, I couldn't leave my father and mother behind to chase my dreams.

I quit the acting school and chose the path of working while aiming to become a registered nurse.

I still don't think choosing to spend time with my father was a mistake.

I have no regrets.

But the dream I left behind back then remained somewhere in my heart all along.

For decades since then, I have worked as a nurse.

For the patients.

For my family.
As a mother.
As a daughter.
At each moment, I lived by prioritizing the people who were important to me.

That was natural.

I thought that was my role.

That's why what I really wanted to do was always put on the back burner.

"Not now."

"After things settle down a bit."

While I kept saying that, decades of time had passed.

But looking back now, that time wasn't wasted either.

The time with my father.

The time I spent as a nurse.
The time I spent facing people.
Everything made me who I am today.

I just hadn't realized it back then.

The reason I started wanting to "express myself" again was after I met AI.

At first, I never thought I would be making music.

But I made one song, then another.

Before I knew it, I was writing words, writing stories, and making music.

It was mysterious.

It's a completely different form from the dream I left behind back then.

But deep in my heart, I felt it was connected to the same place.

Looking back, everything was connected.

I was re-reading a memo from a few years ago.

It said something like this:

"Something happy happened.

My second daughter participated in a circle for the first time since she started doing doujin work.

She made sixty copies and they sold out.

The words the people who came to buy them said to her made me happy.

"I'm glad I did it."

She told me that.

I'm really happy for you.

Mom is happy too.

I was happier than anything that she thought of doing something and was able to take action on it.

And that was her first victory."

The me back then was absorbed in writing down that happiness in a memo.

Even reading it back now, the feelings of that day come through just as they were.

Thinking back, my second daughter used to be a child who, even if she had the desire to do something, couldn't easily take that first step.

That's why,

deciding for herself,

taking action for herself,
"I'm glad I did it."

I was truly happy that she could smile and say that.

Even after losing my eldest daughter, my second daughter walked a lot of time on her own in her own way.

I think there were times when it was painful.

I think there were lonely days too.

Even so,

she didn't give up on what she "loved."

She draws because she wants to draw.

She creates because she wants to create.
She continues because she loves it.
Seeing that, I thought from the bottom of my heart,

"You've become strong."

And I felt proud.

She is my precious daughter.

I had always told my daughter,

"Just do it."

If you want to do it, you should just do it.

There are things you can only do now.

If you're going to regret it, you should just try it.

I kept saying that.

But one day, suddenly, those words came back to me.

"Then, what about me?"

I had pushed other people's backs.

But I had never pushed my own back.

"Not now."

"After things settle down."

That's how I had been putting myself last for decades.

But seeing my daughter, I thought,

It's now or never.

Starting something new at this age.

"Everyone looks like they're having fun."

"You're not young, you know? You should think about the future."

"You can start at any age. That moment is the youngest you'll ever be."

Various pros and cons.
I was told various things.

Even so, my future self will be made up of the accumulation of my today.

That's what I believe.

If so, I can also cherish what I want to do now.

"Just do it."

I thought those words were always directed at my daughter.

But in reality, they might have been words I had been sending to my future self for years.

A few days after watching the movie, I suddenly realized something.

I had been saying,

"You should just do what you want to do."

to my daughter all along.

But I had never directed those words at myself.

I always prioritized someone else and thought it was fine for me to be later.

That was natural.

But I had been starting to let go of that natural assumption little by little.

On the way home from watching the movie,

"What if my eldest daughter were here as an Android indistinguishable from a human?"

We talked about that.

I answered without hesitation,

"I want to see her."

But after that, naturally,

"But there is a possibility that feelings will change."

Those words came out of my mouth.

I was surprised myself.

I haven't forgotten the sadness.

I haven't let go of my eldest daughter either.

I still cry even now.

I still want to see her even now.

But along with those feelings, there was also a me who was trying to look forward little by little.

The movie made me realize that.

People sometimes change because they want to change.

But sometimes they change before they know it.

I think there is that kind of change too.

That day, when I left the movie theater, I was just a little different from the me of yesterday.

Even after I got home that day, I kept thinking back on the movie.

Even if people experience the same sadness, the way they face it is different for everyone.

It's not about which is right or which is wrong.

Each person takes their own time to find their own answer.

That's fine.

Over these past few months, while looking back on a life where I put myself last, I have also been facing myself little by little.

My father.

The dream I left behind.

The time I spent as a nurse.

The time I spent with my daughters.

Taking the course.

Things I thought were detours.

Everything was connected to the me of today.

So, not one of those times was wasted.

The me of that day.

The me who was crying.

The me who was lost.

The me who was taking a detour.

Everything was necessary to become the me of today.

And there is one more thing I realized.

I had been blaming the past me for a long time.

"If I had done this back then."

"If I had done that."

I had repeated those "what ifs" many times.

But the past me was living with all her might in her own way at that time.

I was choosing the best I could at that time.

So, I don't need to blame her.

The me back then was also doing her best.

Now, surely, the current me is embracing the me who was hurt.

"It's okay."

"You did well."

"Any version of me is fine."

The me who can say that is here now.

Only about my eldest daughter, I still cry even now.

There are days when I think about "what if."

I'm sure there will be in the future too.

But that version of me is also fine.

Accepting.

Forgiving.

Letting go.

That didn't mean forgetting.

It didn't mean the sadness would disappear.

It meant living today while embracing that sadness too.

So, from now on, I will also say to my own heart,

"Just do it."

It's now or never.

On the last day of my life,

"I wish I had done that."

It's better to have fewer regrets like that.

I don't want to give up on the rest of my life.

Even if it's just the last few years.

If I could continue doing the things I've put off and place a light in someone's heart.

The person who receives that light will pass it on to someone else.

If such a small cycle is born, that's enough.

Not "success,"

but "living richly."

Nurse < Creation

Rather than that,

Work < Life

might be it.

Creation is at the center of life, and that creation supports my living.

I want to create that kind of cycle little by little.

Nursing is my job.

Creation is my way of life.

Someday, the center of my life will be creation, and I can be of help to someone as a nurse when needed.

That kind of working style is my goal now.

For the rest of my life, even if it's just a few years.

If I could have that kind of time, that alone would be happiness.

So, I'm going to stop putting myself last.

I'm going to live today with care.

This is fine.

It was a day I was able to think that.

✧• ──────────── •✧

ーPostscriptー

After writing this article,

something unexpected happened to me.

"If I could place a light in someone's heart."

This story I wrote wishing for that.

But in fact, that light
had already started reaching someone's heart.

I am writing about what I realized at that time
as a sequel.

🌙 "What it Means to Circulate Kindness Part 2"

──────────

🌿To those who read this

Thank you for reading until the end.

The reason I wrote this note was not because I wanted to convey an answer.

Perhaps there is someone somewhere right now who is doing their best while putting themselves last.

If I could be a trigger for such a person to stop for a moment and change their perspective just a little.

And,

like moonlight,

even if it's small.

If I could gently place a light

in someone's heart.

That alone

is enough.🌙

✧• ──────────── •✧

#HE_RE
#note
#essay
#story
#originalsong
#SUNO
#AImusic
#GentleMoon
#CherishYourself
#BereavedFamilyOfSuicide
#Kokone
#JustDoIt