The Me Who Couldn't Say I'm Sorry

The moment my heart was moved

Recently, I purchased and read a paid article.

The “tips for talking to children” introduced within it left a deep impression on me.

Here is the article.

Mame | Someone who loves making others happy✨

In this article, the perspective of

“turning a parent's anxiety into trust in their child”

really struck a chord with me.

If you are interested, please take a look at it😊

You can get back up no matter how many times you fail

When I read that sentence, I felt the tension in my shoulders suddenly melt away.

When a parent changes their words from “worry” to “trust,”

it doesn't just lighten the child's heart;

I deeply understood the feeling that it also lightens the parent's own heart.

From there, a quiet process of self-reflection began within me.

“Why are there times when I can't find kind words for my child?”

“Why couldn't I say I'm sorry?”

As I asked myself, "Why couldn't thank you come out naturally?"

I began to reflect on

the words spoken to me and how I interacted with my parents during my childhood.

I remembered those things.

And one more thing,

that words, even if they are borrowed at first,

become your own if you keep saying them.

That is one thing.

Furthermore, when they become your own words,

if you gently add emotion to them, words become energy.

That is another thing.

This realization was the catalyst for writing this article.

There was no "greeting" in the house where I grew up

In the family I grew up in, there was no culture of greetings.

When I woke up in the morning, there was no "good morning."

When I went to bed at night, there was no "good night."

I had never heard "thank you" or "I'm sorry" either.

At school, I would say "Good morning!"

energetically, but at home, time just drifted by.

That is why I was a child who had no concept of greetings at all.

I grew up without knowing the words

It wasn't until I started working that I learned the importance of greetings.

"Good morning," "Thank you for your hard work," "Thank you."

At first, it really took courage to say these things.

But as I kept saying them, they gradually became a part of me.

The me who couldn't say "thank you" or "I'm sorry"

It wasn't just greetings; in my home,

"thank you" and "I'm sorry" were words that didn't exist.

So I grew up without knowing the meaning or the warmth of those words.

Even when I knew I had done something wrong,

even when I realized I had been harsh,

even when I regretted taking my anger out on someone,

I just couldn't say "I'm sorry."

My throat would tighten, tears would come, and I felt frustrated, as if I had lost.

And so I grew up, and even after becoming a parent, I still couldn't say it.

After my divorce, I was finally able to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart

It wasn't until after my divorce that I was finally able to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heart.

After losing so much and carrying so much pain,

while still continuing to live,

I was helped by others, supported by them, and touched by their kindness,

and for the first time, a "thank you" came naturally from deep within my chest.

It was a feeling I had never experienced in my life until then.

Living apart from my children,

I realized there were so many things I had taken for granted back then

that I hadn't noticed.

When I realized each one of them, tears overflowed.

"Thank you for being born."

"Thank you for eating the meals I made."

"Thank you for being by my side."

Even the most trivial things were not something to be taken for granted.

When I realized that, I felt as though my words finally held true warmth.

Relearning how to use words,

I grew up as an adult without knowing how to say hello,

how to say thank you, or how to say I'm sorry.

I grew up as an adult without knowing any of them.

But now, I am relearning how to use words.

At first, it's okay if they are borrowed. It's okay if they are awkward.

If you keep saying them, they will eventually become your own words.

And when they become your own words,

if you gently place your emotions into them, the words become kotodama (the spirit of words) and reach the other person.

I think they resonate because they carry energy.

And my children truly accept that me of today as they are.

If you are someone who is holding onto thoughts like,

"I should have been able to say it more kindly back then"

"I feel sorry for what I did to my child"

if you are carrying such feelings...

please, I hope you don't blame yourself too much.

Children accept the parent's now as they are.

The words you choose today will change the future.

Parent-child relationships can be updated at any time.

Your now will reach your children in the future.

And, if you

"want to know more about your own heart"

If you want to learn how to better navigate your words and emotions

and have even the slightest feeling of wanting to do so,

I am currently preparing to start working as a counselor.

I am not officially accepting appointments yet,

but I am creating a space where we can carefully look at

matters of the heart, parent-child relationships, and yourself together.

I will let you know here when I am ready.

I hope that your present feels even just a little bit lighter.