I Don't Want to Die Writing This—My Answer to Soul-Baring Essays

Draw This and Die. It's a manga I love.

It's a story about protagonists who form a manga research club and draw manga. The advisor, a former manga artist, sets a condition for forming the club: "Don't get too serious."Never think that you should draw this and die.The teacher warns them.

In the past, the teacher won an award and debuted with a work they drew while thinking exactly, "Draw this and die." These words are meant to prevent the students from having the same experience based on what the teacher went through afterward.
(The work itself is a very bright and fun manga.)

I think that drawing something and dying for it is the ultimate form of baring one's soul.

I recently posted about soul-baring essays.

In my mind, it was never intended to be a "call to action" or anything like that.

But after reading it, many people thought about "what makes a good essay" and wrote articles about it. I happened to write that article, but it should have been the type of big, subjective topic where everyone has their own answer, like "What is living?" or "What is life?"

The reason I wrote this article was none other than the Sousaku Taisho (Creative Awards). Everyone is participating because they want to write a good essay and get selected.

I also wrote a lot and applied last year. I didn't pass the selection. I also read the works of those who did.

What I thought then was, "Oh, these aren't heavy..." I got the impression that there weren't many works that felt like they had bared their souls. Of course, creating a work itself is very physically demanding and difficult, but I thought, "Wait, this is a different vibe from what I wrote?" (Setting aside the fact that the skill levels are different).

I realized something obvious: the Sousaku Taisho is a place to choose what publishers and the people at note consider a "good essay." So, information about what publishers are looking for is released, and people are preparing for it by looking at that.


W-well... I felt like I was in the wrong place... (sweat). Or rather, I was underprepared! I think everyone else does this naturally, but I realized it then. I was embarrassed, so I hadn't said anything until now.

So!!! I want to get to the main point.
Is a "wrong place" super-heavy essay (like mine) a bad essay? Is an essay that wasn't selected not a good essay?

I want to say, including to myself, that that is wrong.

Even though it wasn't selected by the publishers, just as the answer to "what is a good essay" that you all thought of is different for everyone, it might be a "good essay for someone." And it is a "good essay for yourself," a well-written essay. Isn't that why you apply?

A few months later, the Sousaku Taisho results will be announced, and many different feelings will arise again.
Even so, the work you wrote for that purpose should be a good essay to you.

I have always thought thata soul-baring essay written with all one's might cannot be sustained. You cannot mass-produce them. At least, I can't.

W-what if, just imagine. If someone said, "Your soul-baring, super-heavy essay was wonderful, so let's publish a book! Please write 20 more just like it."

I couldn't do it.

When you want to make a name for yourself, you might need the feeling of pouring your soul into creating a work.


But I want to keep creating forever. I want to draw illustrations, and I want to write text. I want to continue for as long as possible.

I don't want to die writing this.

If you call that a level of resolve, I can only say yes.
But I want to write good essays, I want to write something that conveys a message. I want to write things where I can think, "I wrote a good one!"
I will continue to hold onto that feeling, now and in the future.

***

That's what I thought.
It was a bit persistent of me to add an answer to your answer-notes (I named them that myself). I'm sorry.

I really enjoyed reading everyone's various stories this time. I learned so much, and I was nodding along the whole time, thinking, "Indeed, indeed."

The feeling of wanting to reach someone, and the feeling of being able to cherish yourself.

That's nice, isn't it (^^)

If I can continue to write, think, and write even one more good essay, I feel like I can be very happy and fulfilled. Aiming for days like that.

Thank you very much!

Shiina Otowa has compiled them into a magazine for me. I never would have thought of something like this, so it's amazing.

I was writing this thinking I'd finish it a month after it was forgotten, but the wait at the hospital was so long that I ended up finishing it, so I posted it already.