The reason I couldn't end with just a 'thank you' was because I couldn't receive
"Thank you"
I wish I could have ended it with just those words.
For a long time, I haven't been able to do that.
When I received a birthday present.
When I received a souvenir from a trip.
When someone treated me to a meal.
When someone offered me a snack at work.
I feel happy.
The moment I thought that,
"What should I give back in return?"
That was all I could think about.
Before receiving,
I would think about giving back.
That was natural for me.
Looking back,
I grew up in a self-employed family.
My grandparents and parents,
not to mention mid-year and year-end gifts,
always gave something back whenever they received something.
I had been watching that for a long time.
I'm sure that back then,
in that region,
that was just a natural way of interacting.
So,
this isn't about whether that was good or bad.
It's just that I
had extended that sense
to all human relationships.
If I receive something, I have to give back.
I have to make them happy.
Otherwise, I feel sorry.
Such thoughts
had become second nature before I knew it.
I realized this about myself
when I was about to write a reply
to a comment I received on an article.
The moment I read the comment,
I was truly happy.
"What I wanted to convey was conveyed."
That is why I felt that way.
But,
when I tried to write a reply,
my hand stopped.
"What should I reply?"
"I have to give something back."
That was all I could think about.
......Then, it hit me.
I'm trying to give something back again.
What made me the happiest was
"What I wanted to write was conveyed!"
That was it.
If so,
what I wanted to convey
was not about giving something back.
"I was happy that it was conveyed"
I should have just conveyed
that feeling as it was.
The feelings they gathered the courage to send.
Receiving those feelings,
"I was happy that it was conveyed"
that alone was enough.
At that moment,
I realized one more thing.
I
was not thinking, "I must give something back."
In truth,
I was afraid to receive it as it was.
Because,
somewhere deep down,
"I am not worthy of receiving it as it is"
I had been thinking that.
Receiving
is not enough on its own.
That is what I thought.
Therefore,
by giving something back,
I could finally earn the right to receive.
I had been living with that feeling all along.
But now,
things have started to change little by little.
"Thank you"
It was enough to just say that and receive it.
I
have to give something back.
I have to make them happy.
By doing that,
I was thinking about "giving back"
before "receiving."
But now,
"Thank you"
I learned from the comment I received that
saying that and receiving it
is how to cherish the feelings
that the other person sent.
So, from now on,
"Thank you"
I intend to convey that one phrase
first.
The old me
couldn't think, "It's okay for me to be me."
But,
since I became able to feel at ease,
the way I see life has changed little by little.
This is an article I wrote about that.
For those who want to hear a little more
Things I couldn't write here, and
daily realizations,
I also share on my official LINE account.
Things I saw while writing articles.
Things I was taught through dialogue.
And,
"It was okay for me to be me."
I write daily about perspectives for living with peace of mind.
If,
"I'd like to read a little more of this."
If you feel that way,
please, let's talk here as well.
Perhaps, me too?
I would be happy if even one person
feels that way.
Thank you for reading until the end.
.