The real reason I couldn't take action, even though I thought, 'I want to earn more.'
'I want to earn more. And yet, I was afraid of my view counts increasing.'
'I want to earn more.'
Even though I thought that, I found myself unable to take action.
I have so much I want to convey.
I'm working hard on my Threads posts, too.
But even though I can put energy into the planning stage, once I get past that, I end up dragging my feet, doing other things, or changing what I want to say.
Every time that happened, I would think to myself.
Why am I always like this?
My job as a visiting nurse, my private life, and my family relationships are all going well.
I'm not in trouble even if I don't go out of my way to earn more.
There are worlds I want to see, but I am also satisfied with my current life.
That's why I kept telling myself this.
'It's okay not to push yourself too hard.'
'You're happy enough just as you are, right?'
That's how I was convincing myself.
But while I was writing Morning Pages during the 12-week course in my online salon, this question came up.
You're somewhat afraid of your view counts increasing, aren't you?
Don't you think so?
Aren't you always putting the brakes on your posts, too?
Why is that?
Even as I wrote in my notebook and asked myself, I couldn't find an answer.
I stayed feeling uneasy, and before I knew it, I had been searching for that answer for about a month.
And today, I finally understood.
Maybe I'll get nasty comments.
Maybe no one will show up even if I make an offer.
——I didn't want to get hurt.
These words really resonated with me.
I had always, always been afraid of getting hurt.
Regarding me trying to do business, the 'me living in reality' was...
Trying not to fail.
Trying to do things properly.
Trying not to be disliked.
I think I was watching over myself strictly and tormenting myself in that way.
I thought I had graduated from being the serious, hard-working version of myself, but sometimes it just inevitably comes back out.
What are you doing?
It's embarrassing.
Get it together.
I was constantly scolding and pushing myself like that.
That's why, to avoid getting hurt, I chose not to take action.
I want to do this.
I want to become this.
Even when I dream like that, the moment I try to make it a reality, I hit the brakes.
I want to move forward, but I stop somewhere along the way.
But that wasn't because I didn't have the 'desire to earn.'
And it wasn't because I lacked 'motivation.'
I just didn't want to get hurt.
That was all it was.
And there is one more thing I realized.
The version of me that couldn't move wasn't slacking off, nor was I running away.
I was trying my hardest to protect myself so I wouldn't get hurt.
I had been protecting myself all along.
The moment I realized that, I felt like I was going to cry.
The me who was so afraid of getting hurt, now, just a little bit,
Oh, it's not that big of a deal.
The version of me that was scared is actually kind of cute.
I can think like that now.
I felt the tension leave my shoulders🌿
I am writing this note now, which I haven't been able to write for a long time.
That is surely not because I have become stronger than before, but because
I was finally able to look at my scared self without blaming her.
If you are currently,
'I want to do more but I can't move'
'I want to share my voice but I keep hitting the brakes somewhere'
If you have those feelings.
It is not laziness or self-indulgence, but
someone inside you might be trying their best to protect you.
So first, before blaming yourself, I want to ask.
What was I trying to protect myself from?
Beyond that question,
there might be your next step.
Thank you for reading until the end.
In this space,
with the theme of "living comfortably and abundantly, surrounded by the things I love, in my own way," I share small joys in daily life and tips for cherishing yourself.
I would be happy if you came to visit again 🌿
There are other things Harumi shares too 🌿
Threads
https://www.threads.com/@harumi_labo58
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