I will reflect. But I won't keep blaming myself. The "notebook habit" a psychiatric nurse arrived at
Do you ever remember a small thing you said at work and
end up having a one-person reflection meeting at night?
"Maybe that way of saying it wasn't good"
"Maybe they disliked me"
In the past, I used to have this reflection meeting almost every night.
I intended to be reflecting, but
before I knew it, it had become a time for blaming myself.
But now it's different.
I will reflect.
Next time, I'll do this.
Yes, that's it.
I stopped blaming myself.
The secret to that is a self-dialogue notebook.
A day when I might have chosen the wrong words
I work in psychiatric home nursing.
The other day, I thought I might have chosen the wrong words
when explaining something to a patient...! and
I was depressed, having a one-person reflection meeting.
My relationship with that patient
hasn't worsened,
so please rest assured about that.
But—
It wasn't the patient's timing,
but my own feelings that had become too strong.
"I want them to get better"
"Maybe it's better to tell them now"
Those feelings came to the fore too much, and
I might have prioritized my own thoughts
over the other person's pace.
When I thought that,
I was depressed
about myself.
If it were the old me
Before, when I was depressed at work,
I would brood over it alone.
"I wonder if that way of saying it wasn't good"
"Maybe there was a better way to convey it"
That is where it begins.
The delusion theater (lol)
'The patient hates me'
'I've lost the patient's trust'
Such words,
round and round, round and round.
Even though nothing has actually happened,
the story just keeps growing
inside my head.
I couldn't switch my feelings off,
and there were times when I would
think in a negative direction.
Now, I open my notebook.
Now, I do self-dialogue journaling.
1. Write down the facts
2. Write down the emotions at that time
3. Look at the notebook objectively
4. Write down what I realized there
By writing down facts and thoughts separately,
'Maybe the patient hates me'
'Maybe I've lost the patient's trust'
Such thoughts,
are not facts that actually happened,
but I can realize that they are
the voices of thoughts floating inside me.
When I do that,
my heart feels lighter instantly.
And then,
'So, what will I do next time?'
It naturally leads to that point.
Just by having this process,
I can avoid dragging my feelings along.
I will reflect, but
I won't keep blaming myself.
Positively,
I can move in the direction I desire.
My realization this time
This time,
my feelings for my patient were
too strong.
'I want them to get better'
'I have to tell them'
The cause was that those thoughts
ran ahead of me.
But,
being able to realize this is a big deal.
I plan to use this reflection
for my next visit.
This experience, too,
is an asset to me.
Right now, I am able to think that way.
What my journal taught me
In the past,
・I would dwell on things in a negative way
・I couldn't shift my mood
・I would keep blaming myself
Things like that used to happen.
But, by facing myself through my journal,
・I can be there for myself
・I can prioritize my own feelings
・I can notice my assumptions and fixations
I have become able to do these things.
A journal for dialogue with myself is,
for me,
a 'habit to regain myself'.
Every experience,
is necessary for me.
Every emotion,
is precious.
I have become able to think this way,
and I have become able to be grateful for daily events.
If you ever feel down at work,
I recommend a journaling habit
that lets you quickly organize your feelings.
Self-dialogue journaling isn't so much magic that changes your life, but rather, it created a place where I can return to myself again and again.
For me,
encountering self-dialogue journaling
was the start of my second life.
If you are currently feeling,
'I want time to properly listen to my own feelings,'
'I can't keep it up alone, but I want to try facing myself quietly,'
then this is for you.
Currently, a self-dialogue journaling course is in preparation.
Rather than just teaching how to do it,
I plan for it to be a time where we create a 'place' together where you can return to yourself as many times as you need.
As soon as preparations are complete, I will announce it on Threads and note.
I hope it reaches those who need it, gently.
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[Psychiatric Visiting Nurse] Harumi (@harumi_labo58)
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