I'm glad I became a childcare worker. #26 | ☀︎ Let's go pick up the version of me from back then who developed the habit of swallowing her words
While reading a book with my daughter called
"Mysteries of the Heart: Why? How come?"
there was a story about
"How can I express my feelings
well?"
it asked.
When you have to say "I'm sorry," sometimes you don't want to say it deep down, or there were circumstances leading up to it, or you feel frustrated because the other person was actually in the wrong... (Even as adults, it's always like that)
It explained how to convey your feelings to the other person effectively in those moments.
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☀︎ First, say what you thought in your heart, and second, say how you felt.
"I'm sorry about yesterday. But it's a bit frustrating to have to apologize."
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You can say what needs to be said to the other person while also conveying your true feelings. This is something I want to cherish, whether in parent-child relationships or friendships.
I thought that this could help us learn that the other person has their own circumstances, and that we have our own true feelings.
Are you all able to speak your true feelings to the people around you? Because of my childhood experiences, the feeling that "even if I say how I really feel, it won't matter anyway" comes to me first... (I wonder if this is what they call a cognitive distortion)
When I left my previous job, someone wrote in a message to me, "Please try to express your own feelings too." (Because you were scary when you got angry... *tears*) Even when I have thoughts about my husband, I don't say them because I'm not perfect either. lol (That way, there are no fights and it's peaceful)
Anyway, there are so many times when I just swallow my words.
When I was a child, something like this happened.
My grandmother gave me red Dragon Ball shoes, but when I said, "I want cuter ones," she emotionally scribbled over them with a permanent marker, and I cried my eyes out.
On the first day of swimming lessons, I didn't even know where I was going and panicked. Even when I cried saying I didn't want to go, I was ignored in the car. (In the end, I just hid in the pool bathroom the whole time)
Things like this remain in my heart as unpleasant memories forever.
I couldn't keep up at all with the five extracurricular activities and two correspondence courses that were decided for me without my input, but I somehow managed to continue them until the end of elementary school.
Recently, I was finally able to tell my mother,
'Back then, I had too many extracurricular lessons,'
and I feel a bit relieved.
(I couldn't quite bring myself to say that I hated it.)
My mother's reasons were:
• She wasn't allowed to take lessons in the past
• She thought it would be useful for my future career
• She couldn't teach me herself
While I thought, 'So that's how it was,'
I'm keeping it a secret that I'm using her as a cautionary tale for my own parenting.
I answered positively, saying,
'I did become good at multitasking.'
(I am grateful that the piano lessons, at least, were a little useful.)
Because I bottled things up, my heart might still be in a rebellious phase. Haha.
I want my daughter to express her emotions properly,
and I hope she has a proper rebellious phase during her adolescence.
When she becomes an adult, if my daughter says to me,
'Actually, I wanted you to do this,'
I will apologize with all my might,
and I will be able to explain my own circumstances properly.
And then, to be able to talk with a smile again—
that is my ideal relationship.
I ended up talking about myself, but
I realized I want to practice
being able to say what I think and feel,
along with my true feelings.
These days, I feel that
children and adults are all the same.
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Reference: 'The Wonders of the Heart: Why? How Come?' (Supervised by Tetsuya Murayama)
The next story is here
☀︎ If you try drawing your own special 'line' in your life
☀︎ An essay collection about my daughter and me
I want to enjoy and mark the rhythm of every day, no matter what it's like.