The Day My Son, Who Only Played Games, Got Serious About the Flute: What Parents Often Overlook Before Saying 'You Can Do It If You Try'

To parents who feel anxious watching their child play games all the time
What I thought about after seeing my son get serious about the flute

He can play games for hours, but when it comes to homework, he suddenly won't move.

He gets ready quickly for plans with friends, but he can't seem to get ready for school the next day.

He researches things he likes on his own, but when it comes to things parents want him to do, he won't budge even when asked.

When watching children, these are things we sometimes feel.

As a parent, it naturally makes you feel anxious.

Is he unmotivated?
Is he just being spoiled?
Will he be okay like this?

I have felt that way too.

For my eldest son, playing games with friends after coming home from school was almost a daily routine.

He would occasionally play outside, but basically, I think he spent most of his time at home playing games.

As a parent, it concerns you.

Is it okay for him to stay like this?
Will a day come when he gets serious about something?
What is my child suited for?

I think there are other parents who have felt anxious watching their children spend all their time on games or smartphones.

However, what I want to write about in this article is not how to make them stop playing games.

Study.
Try harder.
You can do it if you try, right?

Before saying things like that, isn't it also important not to overlook the small ways in which children are starting to move forward?

Through the story of my eldest son's flute, I thought about such things, so I am writing this down.

The day my eldest son chose the flute

When my eldest son entered his first year of junior high school, he chose the flute in the brass band.

Honestly, it was a bit of a surprise.

It wasn't that he disliked exercise, and he enjoyed games that required manual dexterity, as well as video games. Then, one day, my eldest son started talking about the flute a lot.

There were three students who wanted to play the flute, but only two would be chosen.

My eldest son said he didn't want anything other than the flute.

From that point on, his behavior at home changed a little.

He would play the flute at club activities, and at home, he would practice his breathing using a plastic bottle I gave him.

I don't know if it was the correct way to practice. Someone who plays the flute might laugh at it.

But he was serious about it.

And on the day of the selection, my eldest son was chosen for the flute.

I still remember his face when he came home that day, grinning from ear to ear.

The reason I didn't tell him to practice

After that, my eldest son asked for a practice flute as a birthday present.

When I bought the flute, I told my eldest son this:

You don't have to practice for hours every day.

The parts you couldn't do at club practice.
The parts that frustrated you.
The parts where you thought you wanted to get a little better.

Just practice those parts.

Since then, I've started hearing the same phrases coming from his room over and over again.

It's not the whole song.
It's just a few measures.

If he hits a wrong note, he plays it again. If his fingers don't match up, he starts over from the same spot. If the notes connect a little better, he tries playing that part one more time.

I have never once told him to practice.

Even so, my eldest son was repeating the same parts on his own.

Watching him, I thought to myself.

When people start to take action, it is not just about willpower.

When a person reacts to something and finds a place they want to fix themselves, they sometimes start moving without a parent having to say anything.

Watching my eldest son with his flute made me think about that.

I, too, changed because of a trigger and a way of being taught

I myself was not the type to focus on studying when I was a child.

My grades were average, and I disliked cram schools, so I never went to one. I think I spent more time playing games than doing homework or reviewing at home.

However, things changed a little after I went to vocational school.

The trigger was the way my teacher taught.

Instead of studying just to get a passing grade, study with the intention of getting a perfect score.

This way of thinking really suited me.

The way I listened in class changed, and I stopped leaving things I didn't understand as they were. I was able to pass all my bookkeeping and computer-related certification exams on the first try.

It wasn't that I suddenly became smarter.

What should I look at?
What should I memorize?
How should I think to get points?

I think that by seeing those things, my approach to studying changed.

Watching my eldest son with the flute, I felt something similar.

You can do it if you try.

These words can be encouraging.

But if used incorrectly, they can also become just a theory of willpower.

When a person starts to take action, there is some kind of trigger. If you keep telling them to try harder while overlooking that trigger, they may find it difficult to move forward.

It may not be that parents aren't saying enough, but rather that their focus is slightly off.

Moving for what they love, but not for what parents want them to do

When watching children, there are moments that inevitably cause concern.

They focus on games, and they are quick to prepare for plans with friends. They watch the same videos over and over if they like them, and if something interests them, they might research it until we tell them to stop.

And yet, when it comes to homework, they suddenly become sluggish.

They start cleaning up, only to get distracted by something else halfway through.

Bedtime approaches without them having prepared for tomorrow.

As parents, we can't help but think at those times:

They can move for what they love, so why can't they do this?

They should be able to do it if they try, so why don't they?

Will they be okay as they grow up?

I think it is natural for a parent to feel that anxiety.

However, if you only look at your child through that lens, you may miss the small movements happening elsewhere.

They fail repeatedly in a game and then try a different approach.

They research things on their own if it's something they like.

They worry about parts they couldn't do well long after the fact.

They act in ways that seem intended to get someone to notice them.

Children are sometimes already moving in areas other than what parents want them to do.

If you decide they are a 'child who doesn't do things' without looking at that, your words as a parent will inevitably become stronger.

Do it properly.
Do it quickly.
You can do it if you try, right?

Of course, there are times when you have to say something. There is homework, and there are daily habits. There are rules that must be followed.

However, before you make your words stronger, there is something you should look at first.

Is this child really not doing anything at all?

Or, are they starting to move a little in an area different from where the parent wants them to?

I think that just by separating these two perspectives, the way you see your child will change a little.

To keep 'You can do it if you try' from becoming a phrase that pressures them

You can do it if you try.

I don't dislike this phrase.

I think it is much better to see that there is potential yet to be realized than to decide that they cannot do it.

But if used incorrectly, it can also become a phrase that corners a child.

You're just not doing it, right?
You could do it if you were serious, right?
Aren't you just not trying hard enough?

If it sounds like that, the child may find it even harder to move, rather than starting to take action.

Parents don't want to blame their children.

They want them to be able to do it. They don't want them to struggle later. Because they believe the child truly has the ability, it seems like a waste.

That is precisely why their words tend to become stronger.

I don't always get it right either.

I sometimes say too much, and later I wonder if that way of saying it was too harsh.

But after watching my eldest son with the flute, I started to think a little differently.

Children may have already started moving in areas different from where their parents expect.

It might be a bit of a waste to decide they are a child who won't do anything before finding that out.

The spark to get moving doesn't have to be a grand reason

The spark to get moving isn't always a grand reason.

I thought it looked cool.
I wanted to try doing the same thing as my friends.
I didn't want to lose.
I wanted to be chosen.
I was happy the moment I succeeded.

Children sometimes start moving for reasons as simple as those.

Even if a reason seems small to a parent, it can be a significant spark for a child.

So, first, just observe.

What topics make them talk more than usual?
When do they try again after failing?
Do they seem to worry later about things they couldn't do well?
Are there behaviors where they intentionally do things nearby because they want someone to see them?

The spark that gets a child moving might be hidden there.

It doesn't have to be the flute.

It could be sports.
It could be drawing.
It could be games.
It could be conversations with friends.
It could even be the time they spend researching something.

Even if it's not the form parents expect, if there is a place where the child is reacting, there might be something there.

I have come to think that it is a bit of a waste to decide they are a 'child who won't do anything' without looking at that.

What I wanted to convey most in this article is that children are not 'not moving'; they may already be moving on their own in places different from where parents are looking.

However, in actual parenting, this is where it gets difficult.

They move for things they like, but not for homework.
They immediately push back when a parent speaks to them.
They might look unmotivated, but there could be a different reason.

Even if it looks like the same 'not moving,' the underlying content is not the same.

It's not that you should just be firm, nor is it enough to just watch over them, and praising them won't make everything go well.

From here on, the places to look will change depending on each family's situation.

If I were to write about that more concretely, it would become very long, so I will conclude this article here.

For those who would like to read more even if it gets long, please stay tuned.