[Correction of typos and omissions] There is no right answer to parenting, but I think children can feel the love.

When you are raising children, don't you ever wonder what the right answer is?
I have. Perhaps that's only natural, or if there were a correct answer to begin with, such questions wouldn't even arise.

In the morning, I rush to get them ready, during the day I do work and household chores, and when night comes, I feed them, bathe them, and put them to bed. When I finally look at my children's sleeping faces in a quiet room, there are times when I think, 'Ah, was I a bit too harsh today?' or 'Did I play with them enough?'

I have also wondered what kind of things other people talk about with their children and how they play with them.

To all the fathers and mothers out there raising children, haven't you ever thought about that?

I have three children. From oldest to youngest, a boy, a girl, and a boy. They are all born in consecutive years. But according to my wife, we have four children in our house.
Yes, that means there's one extra eldest son. Who could it be?

Since children were born almost every year, honestly, I had absolutely no leeway to slowly enjoy parenting. Change the diaper when they pee, change it again when they poop. When they pooped a second after I changed their pee diaper, I would think, 'This guy... is he doing this on purpose?'

My wife was even asked by a friend, 'Are you always pregnant?' When she met someone after giving birth to the third, she was asked, 'A fourth one!?'
Huh? I'm just fat. Keep that a secret.

Come to think of it, before the children were born, I told my wife that I could never change a diaper with poop in it, that the smell would make me throw up, but by the time they were born and I realized it,

I had become the Minister of Poopy Diaper Changing. That's how capable my wife is.

I've digressed. In short, because they were born in consecutive years,
by the time my eldest son turned one, the next child was already being born. My eldest daughter was also born when she still wanted to be held by her mom, just as the second son was born.

As a parent, I wanted to pour as much equal love as possible into them. I wanted to look at everyone the same way, talk to them, and hold them. But in reality, it doesn't go that well.

I want to hold them, but the younger one is crying too. At those times, I would try to be creative, like sitting down and holding one under each arm. I want to listen to them, but there are dishes left in the kitchen. When I ignore that and play with the children, my wife's facelike a demon'swould look terrifying. I also have to prepare for nursery school tomorrow. Ah, that was my wife's responsibility.

There is no schedule for parenting.
Now they are in the first year of junior high, sixth grade, and fifth grade, and it has become much better. This is as of 2026.

So, I have something I want to tell fathers and mothers who are raising small children right now and thinking, 'Is this okay?' or 'I ended up yelling loudly, was I too harsh?' or 'Is this the right way to raise my child?'

There is probably no such thing as perfect parenting.
But I think I was perfect.
I think parents who have finished the first stage of child-rearing probably think they were perfect to some extent.
Because there is no right answer in the world, so if there is someone who says what you did was wrong,
'That's just your opinion, isn't it?'
Let's reply with that line I heard somewhere.

What I think is that if you look at your child's face, listen to their voice, tell them what is not okay, and stand in front of them again the next day to face them seriously, then you are already doing a perfectly fine job of parenting.

My children were all completely different, all three of them.

Even though they were born to the same parents and raised in the same house, the children were truly each different.

My eldest son was very laid-back from the moment he was born, and even when his diaper was bursting with pee or he had pooped, he would have a nonchalant face and wouldn't cry. It was like we would notice and say, 'Oh, you've gone, haven't you?'
That's why he often had major poop leaks. The record was when we went to Tokyo Skytree on a trip... that was a pointless story.

I'll continue.
When I sat my eldest son on the tatami or the floor, he would take his Lego blocks and silently build something by himself. Whether he was sitting on my lap or playing by himself, it didn't make much difference. When I read picture books to him, he was the kind of child who would quietly listen while staring at the pages.

It was very helpful as a parent, but because he didn't require much effort, I wonder if I was really watching him properly, but since he was the eldest, he was the only one until the next one was born, so I was with him all the time, so I guess it was okay.

Next, my eldest daughter was truly the exact opposite and completely different.

Until my second son was born, he would only accept his mom. Even if I tried to help, he would arch his back and try to go toward her. He would cry if I held him. But if his mom was nearby, he would let me change his diaper just fine. Wait, so you don't cry when it's not Mom for that? I wonder if the dignity of the 'minister in charge' was just that strong.

But something strange happened. Right around the time my second son was about to be born, he started getting into my futon. He started sleeping next to me, and he could be held by me normally, too. From then on, he became very attached to me.

I think that, in his own way, he was feeling the atmosphere in the house. Or perhaps he actually sensed that a new baby was coming and thought he should monopolize Mom while he still could. You know how they say children have superpowers until they're about three? I think I read that in a book about training the right brain.
Huh? You don't know that?

Well, with all that said, he is now in the sixth grade of elementary school, but he still asks to sleep with me. It's cute.

I just remembered, I used to give all the children baths, but when my eldest daughter started elementary school, I told her, 'Eventually, you won't be able to take baths with Dad anymore,' and I remember her saying, 'Why?' with a face that looked like she was about to cry. I remember feeling very sad.
I did explain why, of course. We gradually reduced the number of times we took baths together. But for a while, she still took them with her younger brother. Is that... okay?

My second son, strangely enough, was a 'Grandpa's boy'.

When he was about a year old, we often went on overnight trips to nearby hot springs with my parents, or ate out together at family restaurants and izakayas.
At the dinner table, my second son would go onto Grandpa's lap. Even when we were traveling, if I noticed, he would be held by Grandpa, pointing and giving directions—'Go there,' 'Go here'—while grunting 'ah-ah'.
I remembered the word 'Assy-kun' (an obsolete term) for the first time in a while.

As a parent, I wondered why he was so attached to Grandpa, but for my second son, Grandpa must have been a place where he felt at ease. Maybe he liked that Grandpa wouldn't get angry and would listen to everything he said.
A child's place of comfort isn't always just their father or mother. Now, he doesn't even remember being held by Grandpa. Poor Grandpa.

What I have been most conscious of in parenting

When my children were born, there was one thing I decided I would absolutely do.
I resolved that I would raise them by pouring as much love into them as possible, more than anyone else.

I didn't know specifically how to pour love into them, so I just hugged them whenever I could, gave them hugs, read them picture books, and told them 'I love you' and 'You are very important to me'.

However, pouring love into them is not the same as not scolding them no matter what they do.

I have properly scolded them for things they shouldn't do. Instead of just raising my voice and ending it there, I would face them directly and try to talk and teach them as slowly as possible.
But there were days when I would get emotional, though I would properly reflect on it later.

You might not be listening, but to give you an idea of how I taught them, for example, when we went out to eat and the children were being loud or running in the aisles, I would call them over and thenin a stern voice—in a slightly stiff tone—

This isn't our house, you know there are other people here, right? Everyone is here to enjoy their meal, so how do you think everyone feels if you guys are being loud or running around?
Doesn't it get annoying if it's noisy? It's dangerous if you run around, and it's bothersome because it makes a lot of noise, don't you think?
It's fine to play normally, but look around you. If everyone were dancing, it would be fine to romp around, but there's no one like that here, right? So you know what kind of place this is, don't you?
What did you come here to do?
I was conscious of trying to draw out their own thoughts and answers rather than just talking at them one-sidedly.

Then, when we went out to eat again on another day,


they would be romping around.
If a preschooler could understand after being told once,we wouldn't need the police—it wouldn't be a struggle.
It's just repetition again.

But as we repeated it, little by little, they started to be able to behave quietly.

It's natural that a child won't understand just by being told 'no'. I thought that if they couldn't realize for themselves why, they wouldn't be able to judge for themselves what is wrong even when they grow up.

What did I do that made me get stopped? What should I do if the same thing happens next time? I think they learn that way of thinking little by little, step by step.

Of course, I'm saying all these nice things, but I wasn't able to be calm every time. We are human, too, so when we were tired, there were often times when I wouldHey!—scold them emotionally.
When I did scold them emotionally, I would repeat the process of reflecting later that the way I said it wasn't good.

However, rather than just scolding them as a form of discipline, my main goal was that when my children go out into the world, I didn't want them to become people who don't feel embarrassed about shameful behavior or who don't consider the inconvenience to those around them, so I cautioned them in each situation.

However, there was one thing my wife and I decided on.
We would not scold them together. If we both scold them at the same time, the child has nowhere to escape.
Well, even though we decided that, there were times when we both ended up scolding them, and at those times, my wife would often say to me, 'You shouldn't be scolding them too.'
I am absolutely obedient to the Prime Minister of our house.

Even saying that, if there were no customers sitting next to us at a restaurant and they were just crawling under the table and fooling around a little, I would sometimes just say a quiet 'no, no' while thinking it was cute. Yes, I'm a doting parent.

It's not about stopping everything; it's about whether it's causing trouble for those around us. I stop them when I feel it's truly necessary to stop them right then and there. I might have been wrong about half the time, but I've been doing it while watching them as a parent.

I think strictness comes from watching your children.

Our family is, if anything, a Showa-style household. When Dad gets angry, that's it. But I rarely get angry; usually, it's Mom who does the scolding. She's a bit of a short-tempered character, so setting aside the fact that she might go too far, I've instilled in them since they were small that a father is someone to be feared.

However, I think I'm the one they look down on the most. That's because I play games at the same eye level as the kids and mess around on the sofa, so that's why my wife said there are four children in the house!!

On the last day of a trip, my second son was playing near the bed with me, and I accidentally dropped him headfirst onto the floor. He started vomiting, so he was taken to the emergency room in the middle of the night. I was scolded terribly for that. By my 'demon wife.' (Keep it a secret)

But because I play at the same eye level as the children, there are many things they have taught me.

But when they don't listen no matter how many times their mother scolds them,

It's okay now! Why? Because I am here!
I appear as a father, just like that.
What? You don't know this line?
Well, let's leave that aside. If you're curious, watch My Hero Academia.

Even when I say scolding, I don't mean using violence. I just make sure the line that says 'this is definitely not okay' is clear to the children.
I think they understand what their parents are seriously trying to stop, not by the volume of our voices, but by our eyes and the atmosphere.

I tell my children that there is no such thing as a rebellious phase in our house.

If you guys enter a rebellious phase, we will enter a rebellious phase too. If you rebel at home, we will rebel against that. It's a phrase that doesn't make much sense. I tell them that if they go out to play with friends in the middle of the night, I will follow them and have the most fun of all.
I think that because we are parents like this, they won't go out to play in the middle of the night. Because the children know that if they do, these parents will definitely follow them. I really will go, you know.

Because I play with the children all the time, I also play with their friends, and it feels like we're just friends.

Having their own parent show up in front of their friends during adolescence and being the one having the most fun—I think that would be unbearably embarrassing for a child, so it would probably be quite effective.

This is half a joke, but half serious.

When the children do something, I don't leave them alone. I never turn a blind eye. As a parent, I try to look at what my children are doing from the same perspective and think about it. I'm saying it in a cool way, but this is also my excuse to my wife for playing with the children.

That is my way of being involved as a parent.

Children watch their parents' daily actions more than their words.

Even though I think I'm raising my children, I feel like in reality, the children are raising the parents, or rather, we are growing up together.

Even if children seem young, they are watching everything: the house, the volume of their parents' voices, the conversations between husband and wife, their attitude toward shop staff, and even how they look when they are on the phone.

I remembered something.
One day, my eldest son said,
'Did you change the table we eat at?'
When I replied, 'Why? It hasn't changed at all,'
He answered,
'It feels like the table has gotten smaller lately.'
I said, 'That's because you've grown bigger.'

Children have a sensitivity that adults don't have, don't they! Don't you think it's unlikely that every child would say this line?

Even if they feel it, they might not say it, or they might not be interested in such things in the first place.
If that's their personality, they probably wouldn't say it.
Actually, only my eldest son said this line. The other two were like, 'Oh, really?'

Also, no matter how good the things parents say are, if their actions are different, children notice. My daughter's way of speaking is very similar to my wife's. In short, she has a foul mouth. *I'm writing this because I will never show this article to my wife.

My eldest son says similar jokey things because I always try to answer jokes, dad jokes, and even questions with funny responses.

My second son...

Was there anything?

Ah, like me, he's interested in everything and just wants to try it. He's doing volleyball and badminton now, but he just told me he wants to join the basketball team too. But he'll get bored of it soon, right?

Well, I was into sports, and my wife was good at sports, so I think it might be related to that. Hmm? Was that a bit sharp?

But both of them could only do things broadly and shallowly. Maybe they inherited that.

Also, we tell our children that it is absolutely not allowed to make fun of teachers.

School teachers have studied a lot, worked hard to become teachers, and are teaching the children. It is wrong as a human being for someone who is still in the stage of making an effort to make fun of or tease someone who has made such efforts.
Of course, teachers are human too, so there are all kinds of teachers. Even so, there is no reason to look down on them from the start. They have studied more and have more knowledge than you.

There was a time in my life when I thought it was cool not to listen to teachers or that it was impressive to rebel against adults. But I'm using the flow of the times as an excuse for that.
Because in my day, if you did something bad, you gratefully received a knuckle sandwich from the teacher. And if you tried to tattle to your parents about it, it was normal to get hit with my old man's 'Hundred Crack Fist.' *Refer to Fist of the North Star

We have to adapt to the current times, don't we?
But I always tell the teachers, 'If my child does something bad, please don't hesitate to discipline them,' but they always reply with something like, 'No, no, that's impossible.'
It seems that's not possible under current educational policies.

However, I want to teach my children not to look down on people, but to first try to understand the other person. I think it's fine to learn about what the teacher has studied, what they are troubled by, or anything else. I want to gradually convey that attitude to my children while they are still young.

The form of child-rearing can be different for every family.

There are various ways of thinking about child-rearing.

There are families that draw a line against things that shouldn't be done with strict discipline, and there are families that value making children think for themselves. There are also families that focus on lessons and want to make them learn many things. And there are families that prioritize letting them play a lot after school, right?

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer.

The houses we live in are different, and the parents' work hours are different. There are families where grandparents are nearby to take care of them, and there are families where both parents are far away and cannot have them look after the children after school, so the couple has to take care of them alone. Furthermore, the children's personalities, the number of siblings, and the age gaps are naturally different.

Therefore, it is natural that you cannot do exactly the same as other families.
I play with my children as much as I can, but in families where the father has a lot of overtime, it is difficult for the father to play with the children.

We are us. Others are others.

It's a phrase that has been used for a long time, but I think that's fine when it comes to child-rearing.

In our family's case, it felt like raising three children all at once, so I don't remember the details of who I did what to, so even if I say, 'I did this for the eldest son, right?', it often ends with, 'Huh? I don't know.' So I can't say, even if my life depended on it, that I've done everything perfectly down to the smallest detail.

But I think what I've done is simple.

Watch the children closely. Listen to them to confirm what kind of thoughts they have now. Teach them that bad things are bad. Talk about why it's bad, have them think about it, and ultimately enable them to judge for themselves what to do next. And, have them look around carefully and act in a way that doesn't bother others.

I have taught them to think in this way.

This is the progress report of raising them with that policy, so let's talk about the current stage.
Among my children, there is no child who has grown up to be such a splendid person. After all, I'm saying this as a platitude, but I feel like I've seen a few actions recently that make me think that way of thinking might be sprouting in my eldest son. Yes, I just feel like it.

Of course, I don't think this is the absolute right answer.
Because the results will only be known when the children become middle-aged men.

Come to think of it, there is a phrase my father told me that I still cherish today.
When I was in elementary school, I received something a friend had shoplifted, and on the way home after being called to the store.
My father was strict and would often pin me down and beat me, so
I was prepared to be beaten that day too.
But in the car on the way home, my father

Never do anything again for which you cannot take responsibility yourself

was all he said.

That phrase was shocking to me at the time.
It struck me so deeply that I feel it is the core of everything I will ever undertake from now on.
That is why, even now, I tell my children that one thing over and over again.

Even after the age of three, children can still change.

I heard the saying, 'The soul of a three-year-old lasts until one hundred,' from my mother.

She told me that what you teach a child by the age of three, they will remember until they are one hundred. When I heard that, I feel like my eldest son was already over three. I remember thinking, 'You should have told me sooner!'
The way parents treat their children when they are small, the atmosphere of the home, and interactions with grandparents—I believe those things remain deep within a child. I do not believe everything is decided by the age of three.

Children change even after they turn three. They change when they become elementary school students, and even when they become junior high school students.

However, as children grow older, they become able to understand adult language, and I think they also learn things through interactions with friends at nursery school or elementary school. But when people say 'by the age of three,' I think it might be about how much love you were able to pour into them from birth until they were three.

But don't you think that's something everyone does?
Of course, everyone gets emotional and angry sometimes.

Because we are human, after all.

So, even if it is inevitable to wonder if your parenting is wrong, as long as you can think of your child as cute, beloved, and precious, I don't think it is wrong.

As for what to be concerned about, I think it is important for parenting to teach children so they don't feel embarrassed when they go out into society, and to enable them to think for themselves. I believe helping children realize this is important for parenting.

After all, wouldn't it be a hassle if, when they become adults, they ask you every single time, 'Dad, this happened, what should I do?'
But if you don't nurture their ability to think for themselves and always give instructions like 'do this' or 'do that,' I think they will become the kind of person who waits for instructions or asks others how to act.

And I don't think it is ever too late to teach them that.
Whether they are in junior high, high school, or working as adults, I believe that if you help them realize it at any time, they can become people who can think.

You might wonder, 'Then how should I teach a child who has already grown up?' but I believe children feel their parents' love.

When I taught my children table manners when they were small, I didn't just get angry; I tried to make them think as much as possible about what kind of place this is, how the people around them feel, and what we are here to do.

If the child is growing, the content of the conversation might change.

But instead of the parent unilaterally giving the answer, ask questions that the child cannot answer without thinking for themselves.

I think that is the same whether they are small or after they have grown up. I believe the ability to think will develop, even if only little by little.

Children are watching their parents' words and actions closely. Even when you think they aren't looking, they might suddenly say things like, 'Dad, you did this, didn't you?'

Oh, I left out the most important thing. You should definitely stop talking about things your child cannot do, even in whispers—for example, saying 'this child can't do this' or 'they aren't suited for this.'
It reaches the child's ears, and they end up deciding for themselves that they can't do it or aren't suited for it, and it seems they really become unable to do it. I read that in some book.

A child's potential is infinite! It's the same with the story in my other article about my child getting hooked on the flute. I don't think it's for the parent to decide what they are suited for.

If there is one thing to avoid in parenting

I believe there is no single right way to raise a child.

However, if there is one thing I would dare to avoid, it would be failing to show love and giving love in the wrong way.

Showing love is not just about spending money. It is not about buying them whatever they want. It is not about listening to everything a child says.

It means engaging with your child seriously and listening to them. Teaching them that wrong is wrong. Stopping them seriously when necessary. And conveying to them in your daily life that you truly love them and that they are precious to you.

That is how I think about expressing love to a child.

What is important is not to play the role of a perfect parent, but to face your child while thinking about what you can do for them right now.

Parents get lost too. I have often felt regret, thinking I made a mistake. Even so, I continue to reflect on my actions toward my children every day and learn through trial and error.
I believe that this repetition creates the unique shape of your own family.

To the fathers and mothers who are raising children right now and reflecting on the words they said today.
Is this okay for our family? Am I wrong? Is this way of raising them alright? I believe everyone feels that kind of anxiety at some point.

But, looking at your child's face, fostering their ability to think so they won't struggle when they enter society, and facing your child again and again.

I believe that can never be wrong.

That is what I think.

Finally

Thank you for reading this far.

I believe there is no single right way to raise a child. I did not raise my three children knowing the correct answers either.
I have thought about many things every day. There were days when I did well, and days when I got angry emotionally.

Therefore, this article is not a story about how to guarantee success if you do this.
I just wrote this hoping it would reach fathers and mothers who, while raising small children, take a breath at night and wonder if they are doing okay.

You are looking at your child's face. You are trying to listen to them. You are telling them that wrong is wrong. Even on days when things didn't go well, you are standing in front of your child again the next day. If so, even if you are not perfect, I think that is the figure of someone properly raising a child.

I am still in the middle of raising my own children. I am not in a position to say anything arrogant. However, I intend to continue writing little by little about what I have seen while raising my three children, what I have been lost about as a parent, and what I have learned through work and relationships with people.

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