Living Through the Days Scattering Sparkles
It is often said that raising children is raising oneself.
That is truly the case.
My capabilities as an adult are tested every single day. Patience, tolerance, adaptability, flexibility to handle things on the fly, having a repertoire of backup plans ready in an instant, and above all, love for the child—I feel that children throw these questions at their parents with all their might from the moment they are born.
I am overwhelmed by these challenges every day, and I lose quite often.
I find myself getting worked up at people who have only been in this world for a few years.
I don't know if I am doing a proper job as a parent.
I have no confidence that I am successfully raising myself while being tested.
Just as I was thinking that, I read Ito Ogawa's "Tsubaki no Koibumi" (Love Letters of Camellias).
I had reserved it at the library six months ago, but there were about 250 people on the waiting list, and I had completely forgotten about it recently. I only remembered when I got an email notifying me that it was my turn.
Encounters with books are mysterious; sometimes they come to you at the perfect moment. This was exactly that.
Hatoko runs a letter-writing agency at the foot of a small hill in Kamakura. Hatoko, who has been struggling with housework and childcare, finally reopens her agency. Her once-cute QP-chan is going through a rebellious phase, the secret love of the late predecessor is revealed, and she is troubled by her relationship with the new neighbors who moved in next door... Please come visit to see Hatoko, who has grown a little as both a letter-writer and a mother.
Before I knew it, Poppo-chan has become a mother of three. QP-chan is already in her third year of junior high!
The familiar characters have all had their situations change a little, but the same gentle atmosphere remains.
I will leave out the details to avoid spoilers, but this might be my favorite in the series so far.
Or rather than 'favorite,' it is more accurate to say that the timing was perfect for it to sink into my heart right now.
When I think about it, QP-chan has already given me more than enough gifts. So, no matter how she treats me now, that might be a trivial thing.
As I wrote earlier, I am a complete beginner at the 'parenting' business, and my patience and other qualities are nowhere near enough, so I keep suffering crushing defeats.
I scream 'Oh, come on!' at both my child and myself to somehow get through the days.
From an outsider's perspective, I would barely get a passing grade. There are probably times when I get a failing grade. No, there are quite a few.
Even so, my child scatters sparkles upon me.
Like the smile that breaks out when she wakes up in the morning and recognizes her mother next to her.
Or the small flowers she picks for me by the roadside.
Or the voice that tries so hard, even if falteringly, to explain the plot of the anime she watched to me.
No matter what kind of terrible parent I am that day, she continues to give me her love without reservation.
Since having a child, I have come to believe that unconditional love is not something given from parent to child, but something scattered by a young child onto their parent.
While following Poppo-chan's struggles, I was reminded of the sparkles that I myself have been gifted.
I wish I could remember all the sparkles I receive every day.
Chased by chores and the frustration of not being able to get things done as I want, the sparkles I worked so hard to receive slip through my fingers.
I often feel that way, but I have also tucked away in my heart the words that Madame Calpis shared with Poppo-chan.
But you know, looking back now, I realize that everything, including those unpleasant things, became nourishment for my life. Whatever happens, first I accept it with these hands without resisting, and then I gently let it wash away. Repeating that over and over. Just waiting for time to pass.
Because as time passes, the scenery you see changes little by little. It changes so slightly every day that you don't notice it yourself, but then one day, you realize, 'Oh? The landscape in front of me has changed quite a bit.' That is the medicine of time.
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最後までお読みいただきありがとうございます！