[Recommended Books Included] No Job, No Money, No Energy. From Rock Bottom to 10 Years of Simple Living #2
In my previous notes, I talked about how I, a former person who couldn't tidy up,
ended up as a housewife with no job, no money, and no energy.
The tidying hadn't even started yet.
I am Omayu, and after that, I did the tidying that changed my life and have been living a simple life for 10 years.
The terror of losing your title, more than anything else
Let me say this first.
In every tidying consultation, I've heard the worry of 'I can't throw things away,' but there are several things other than physical objects that you'll be in trouble without.
Among them, losing your title is terrifying.
Some people even take their own lives because of this loss.
I touched on this a little before, but when I quit my job,
I had no job, no money, and no energy.
And I didn't have any children. Or rather, I couldn't have them.
So, I automatically became a childless housewife.
I couldn't keep my job, I couldn't have children,
and I became a burden at home, unable to make my husband happy.
'You don't have kids and you don't work, so what are you doing?'
I felt like I could hear those voices.
And just like that, my self-esteem hit rock bottom.
As a result of trying to at least be a good wife,
I started cooking overly elaborate meals.
The story of how I decided to stew beef tendon to keep myself together
Society measures things by productivity. Cost-performance and time-performance were the values.
I wasn't producing anything; I couldn't even bear children.
Driven by the anxiety that 'I have no value if I'm not doing something,' I immersed myself in time-consuming stewed dishes.
I stewed beef tendon to make elaborate dishes, and my husband was happy.
I felt that was the only reason I was allowed to stay alive.
I, who had suicidal thoughts since I was so young, was now stewing beef tendon to try and live.
This might have been a small but significant step forward.
That was the state I was in, but since I had quit my job due to mental illness, I also felt I needed to recuperate.
Because I had no money, I made full use of flea market sites and used bookstores to start reading books to affirm my current environment.
Books I'm glad I read to affirm who I was at the time
I had nothing but time, and I started reading books while my stews were simmering.
Books by people who aren't office workers and live a life free from the constraints of money and time
Books by people who optimize their work-life balance, such as those living a half-farming, half-X lifestyle
Psychology books that affirm living on my husband's salary while I'm unable to work
I will introduce some of the books I encountered during that time that were helpful.
"The List of Things Not to Do" by pha
I let this book go when I did the decluttering that changed my life, thinking I had 'graduated,' but I've bought it again many times.
It became a reference book for me when I was trying too hard.
"Living Lightly: 50 Ways to Become Free by Throwing Away Vanity and Your Wallet" by Minimalist Shibu
I think it was thanks to Shibu-san that I first learned about the existence of minimalists.
That you can live without so many things, and that if you do, it doesn't cost much money.
It was also a glimmer of hope for me as I struggled and thought about how I would earn money from then on.
I was raised by parents born to grandparents who lived through the post-war era, and I grew up in the lingering scent of the bubble economy.
It was the moment my values were overturned, realizing that the amount of things and money is not happiness itself.
The discovery that it's okay to let go of things.
I think it was the moment I gave myself permission to declutter and change my life.
"The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo
It's a well-known masterpiece, and I think many of you have read it.
I had read it before I quit my job, but after encountering the concept of minimalism, I reread it for the sake of decluttering.
With the desire to change my life, the simple and clear rule of 'keep only what sparks joy' was also attractive.
Both then and now, I feel that this rule is deeply ingrained in the foundation of living a simple life.
"Living Only by Doing 'What You Love'" by Jinnosuke Kokoroya (Added book)
I devoured Kokoroya-san's books, thinking, 'This is the kindness I need!'
Among them, the talk about 'existence pay' was a kind message to me, as I felt like a burden to my husband with no job title and no money.
In this way, the mental preparation for decluttering was built up.
45-liter trash bags and a half-year of feeling lost
From then on, my KonMari-style (or perhaps it was my own version) decluttering festival began.
It was the beginning of 2017.
Just gathering the things in the kitchen resulted in an outrageous situation.
If I recall correctly, that's how it went if you declutter according to the book.
Gather all items in one category,
sort them by whether they spark joy or not,
and discard the things that don't...
I think the intention behind gathering everything was to know the total volume of my belongings.
As intended, I learned the total volume of my things and was absolutely stunned.
After becoming a full-time housewife, I put a fair amount of effort into housework, and my home was reasonably tidy.
Even though I spread out my kitchen items on the floor, which had become a bit more spacious, the place became so cluttered there was nowhere to step.
To put it simply, I couldn't even finish tidying the kitchen in one day.
It wasn't tidied up even by the time my husband came home.
“This is something I bought just for the time being when I started living alone.”
“This is something that was hard to use.”
“This is something I’ve never even used.”
I realized deeply that I was living surrounded by random things I had chosen randomly.
I was so absorbed in tidying up that I lost track of time.
Click.
My beloved husband had come home to a house with no dinner ready!
In the first place, the kitchen wasn't even in a state where I could cook.
I believe we gracefully went out to eat that time.
I, who could only affirm my current self through elaborate cooking and housework because my self-esteem was at rock bottom, remember feeling proud despite not having dinner ready, sensing that my life was about to change.
Days of feeling at a loss
It goes without saying that days where I couldn't even make dinner couldn't continue.
Around the time my husband would return, I would often feel at a loss looking at the completely untidy house.
On days when I couldn't even finish tidying one area, I would just push the items into the corner of the room and spend the time until I went to sleep.
Day after day, I would fill up 45-liter designated trash bags and take them out on trash day.
There was even a trash day when I took out eight bags at once.
I dismantled large furniture with a saw to dispose of it, and I became a regular at the recycle shop. For large items I couldn't throw away alone, I went with my husband to the waste disposal site on our days off.
Even so, by the time half a year had passed, a refreshing breeze was flowing through the room, and the house had started to feel like it had fresh air.
It’s an apartment that isn't exactly new, and I’ve lived here for six years.
For the first time, I felt an attachment to it, and I started cleaning every nook and cranny.
I would like to summarize the decluttering steps and detailed reflections at another time.
Why my decluttering accelerated and a preview of the next post
I ended up moving out of that house I had grown so accustomed to.
The talk had been around even before I quit my job, but plans to build our own home started moving forward. (I also have a background in architecture.)
This would end up accelerating my decluttering even further.
"I will absolutely not take these relics of the past (trash) to the new house."
This became one of my biggest motivations.
And one more thing.
Just as I was searching for my ideal home, an encounter with "a certain beautiful world" that would fundamentally change my life was waiting for me—.
Next time, I will talk about the person who gave me "permission to live" through organizing, and how I let go of suicidal ideation through decluttering.