Not "If we talk, we'll understand," but "Talk until we understand"—The attitude of never giving up on dialogue
Don't you often use the phrase, "If we talk, we'll understand"?
It's a phrase that offers a certain sense of security.
However, there are times when, no matter how carefully you think you've explained yourself, it just doesn't get through.
When a conversation continues without ever clicking, it leaves you feeling unsettled, with only a strange sense of unease remaining.
Through repeated experiences like that, I began to think,perhaps what's important isn't just "talking," but "continuing to talk until we understand each other."
Today, I would like to write about my own experience that led to this realization, and the attitude toward dialogue that has emerged from it.
The pitfall of "If we talk, we'll understand"—My past experience
Some time ago, I was coordinating a schedule with someone. At the time, I was exactly the type to believe, "If we talk, we'll understand."
I thought I had proposed a compromise that incorporated the other person's needs (based on my own assumptions) into my own wishes. But for some reason, it just wouldn't click.
Even after repeated exchanges, the gap didn't narrow, and in the end, I said in a somewhat投げやり (half-hearted/resigned) manner,"I'll just go along with your request. Please tell me the conditions."
As a result, the finished schedule was entirely centered on the other person, and my own wishes were not reflected at all.
The feelings that washed over me in that moment were the frustration of not being understood, the regret of not having been heard, and a strange, unsettled feeling as if I had been left behind.
Looking back now, I think I had only "intended to convey" my thoughts, but I wasn't truly engaging in "dialogue" in the real sense.
Toward "talking until we understand"—Changes seen through recent experiences
Time passed, and recently I had another situation where I had to coordinate a schedule. But this time, I noticed that I was acting differently than I had in the past.
First, I put my own wishes on the table as they were.
Then, I listened carefully to the other person's opinions.
As a result, I saw more "points of misalignment" than I had expected.
From there, while returning to thecommon goal of "coordinating the schedule,"we talked frankly about how much we could each adjust.
Of course, I have a desire to respect the other person's convenience. But if I am the only one unilaterally enduring things, it doesn't become an equal dialogue.
That is why I carefully conveyed my own wishes, saying,"This is the one thing I really need to ask for. It would be a huge help if you could lend me your support."
As a result, we were able to reach a consensus in a way that both parties could accept, and I was able to feel positive about the schedule itself. It was a completely different ending from before.
This is exactly what I strongly realized was the difference between 'If we talk, we'll understand' and 'Talk until we understand'.
'Talk until we understand' is a two-way communication
'If we talk, we'll understand' is based on the 'one-way' premise that if you explain it once, the other person will understand.
However, 'talk until we understand' is a back-and-forth movement.
How did the other person receive it?
Where do they have questions?
What is holding them back?
What kind of words will get through to them?
While receiving the other person's reactions, we also change our words or change our perspective. We may clear up misunderstandings and continue until our understandings overlap.
It is not about forcing understanding, but a communication of creating understanding together.
It takes time and effort.
It also creates friction.
But the 'agreement' or 'conviction' that lies beyond that is surprisingly deep.
Dialogue that spares no effort becomes the foundation of relationships
In an era where efficiency is demanded, the attitude of talking until we understand might seem like a detour.
But this attitude of not sparing effort enriches the foundation of human relationships.
Not leaving anxieties or questions unaddressed
Not moving forward while still misunderstanding
Respecting each other's values
Moving closer toward a common goal
Relationships with this kind of atmosphere foster a sense of security.
'Talking until we understand' is not just a technique, but I believe it is the very attitude of respecting the other person.
Conclusion—Dialogue is creating the future together
Dialogue is not a place to compete for who is right.
It is a collaborative effort to gradually build mutual understanding.
That is precisely why we need the resolve to "talk until we understand" rather than the expectation that "if we talk, we will understand"—a stance of creating the future together—is it not?
I believe that this leads to communication that deepens relationships, organizes work, and treats each other with care.