Two-tone, two-two-ton-ton, and swish-swish-swish to get through the middle of the night. #TheMomentMyWritingLifeBegan

I never imagined that swishing my thumb in the middle of the night would expand my world this much.

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I want you to imagine it.

A six-mat living room with the lights off. It's the middle of the night, pitch black, with only the blinking of the Wi-Fi router or the faint red glow of the TV's standby light visible. Have you ever spent hours just pacing back and forth in that room, over and over again? Walking in circles, not saying a word, moving and stopping, then returning to the starting point.

Are you a yokai?
No, I'm just putting a baby to sleep.

After my eldest son was born, taking turns with my partner to put him to sleep was a constant struggle. It was a full combo of 'first-time-ever' experiences. A newborn life is completely defenseless in every direction, so it's incredibly demanding. However, people try to adapt to even the most unfamiliar parenting tasks. This was the method I somehow managed to invent.

Round and round, round and round.

This is a complete digression, but I discovered that the most successful way to put my eldest son to sleep was to hold him a little lower than usual, move him parallel to the floor with a 'swoosh,' and then a 'ton.' I found that repeating two 'swooshes' and two 'tons' worked best. I would shuffle my feet like an ice skater and gently pat his back. Swoosh, ton. Swoosh-swoosh, ton-ton. Carefully, carefully. The sight of it was just like Noh theater.
Thinking back on it now... it was a mysterious ritual no matter how you look at it, but at the time, it was a state of mind I reached after seriously searching for a way to get him to sleep. Who was it that said there's a trick to everything? By the way, this didn't work at all for my second son, and there's no scientific basis for it, so please just think of it as a simple charm. Parenting is different for everyone; there are a hundred different tricks out there.

Swoosh, ton.
Swoosh-swoosh, ton-ton.

To get through the night, I would pace around and around, and only when my sense of time had melted away could I finally hear his breathing. Shizuka-chan's father once said that a baby's first cry sounded like an angel's trumpet, but I feel like the sound of soft, rhythmic breathing is just as much of an angel's fanfare. Oh, excuse me...! I'm grateful, but could you keep the volume down, angel?

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However, even though I had invented a sleep-inducing trick just for him, what came after was an even tougher enemy.

Yes, the back sensor.

The back sensor is something that (one is led to believe) is absolutely attached to a baby's back. It's a merciless function that triggers a combo where, no matter how deeply asleep (or so you believe) the baby is, the moment you lay them down in the crib, they wake up immediately and start crying.
My eldest son's back sensor was incredibly powerful; the moment he touched the bed, he would start wailing, and we were instantly back to square one... And so, the pacing would begin again. I tried various things, but I could never break through this, and I often ended up spending the morning sitting on the sofa while holding him. Days spent sacrificing my lower back to summon the sleep-inducing ritual.

A night where it feels like you are the only person in the world.

I look up at the ceiling, and I even get tired of finding constellations in the embossed wallpaper. It's long. Too long. I can't turn on the TV. I can't make any noise with my phone. I can't listen to music. I want to sleep, but what if I drop him? The night is so lazy; stop slacking off and let time move forward already. Please.

Combined with sleep deprivation, the muddy night brings negative thoughts. Sleepy. It's tough. What was it again? Bored. What am I doing tomorrow? What time is it now? Sleepy. It's exhausting. Is it going to be like this until morning...

It was at a time like that that I somehow opened the note app on my smartphone. Back then, it didn't have as many registered users as it does now; it felt like one of those things that only those in the know were aware of. I had created the account to purchase a paid note written by a former colleague, partly to support them. For some reason, I chose a few articles from the top and started reading.

Connecting with the world on the internet in the middle of the night.

There, lives and daily routines were written down; there were people, things that seemed useful, and things that were trivial; there were trends and nostalgic things. It became fun to read night after night. Holding my eldest son, I tapped my smartphone with my free right hand. Shoo-shoo-shoo. I felt like I was connecting with the world with just my thumb.

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As I kept reading, I gradually became interested in writing, too. Reading alone wasn't enough. I wanted to convey. I wanted to write. I began to fit my muddy nights into words, little by little, turning my emotions into language.
At first, it was book reports, diaries, and memos. Then, I tried entering contests, read about how to write, and researched what I wanted to convey. With a flick of my smartphone, shoo-shoo-shoo, I chronicled my life. Looking back at it now, it's... somehow packed with my own history, and the waves of happy-embarrassing emotions can be replayed over and over again. It's amazing. It has completely become a gift. I'm glad I kept writing.

Before I knew it, I was making fanzines, reading and being read on note, writing for work, and chatting with authors and essayists. Writing expanded the life around it, and it continues to this day.

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That middle of the night. A writing life that began because my right hand happened to be free. Among those I often read, many have disappeared, changed what they write, or quit before I knew it. It is, after all, a bit sad.
However, I want to tell you that what you wrote back then saved at least one person in the world—me. Writing is connecting.

Especially in the vast ocean of the internet, that one single sentence might reach just one person somewhere in the world on the other side. Because I know that moment, I want to keep writing and layering words from here on out. I will.

The end.

I entered this contest!

Congratulations on your publication~~~!!!!🎉🎉🎉