Takuji Iwano 'Theory of Gift in Care, 11th Installment: Delusional Jealousy' / Haruki Miyoshi 'Theory of Relational Disorders' / Kei Yamamoto 'Theory of Jealousy' / Kiyoshi Miki 'Notes on Life'

☆mediopos3728(2025.2.2.)

The 11th installment of
Takuji Iwano's 'Theory of Gift in Care'
currently being serialized on the Hosei University Press Annex (note) is 'Delusional Jealousy'

It takes up 'delusional jealousy' from
caregiver Haruki Miyoshi's 'Theory of Relational Disorders'

A man is currently 78 years old,
suffered a stroke five years ago,
and is being cared for by his wife,
but he is gripped by the delusion
that his 76-year-old wife might be having an affair.

Although the man can only lie in his room,
his wife can move around freely,
so the man's actions are completely under his wife's gaze.

Like the example of the
Panopticon in Foucault's 'Discipline and Punish',
a 'one-sided gift of the gaze' is established there,
and the violence of the gaze also becomes the violence of the gift,

and because there is a visible and invisible space there,
the marital relationship becomes asymmetrical,
which is where the 'delusional jealousy' arises.

The man 'gains peace of mind by believing'
that his wife is 'having an affair,'
and is 'unconsciously trying not to get hurt.'

Miyoshi suggests that in order to
'liberate him from that one-sided gift of the gaze,'
a 'third party must intervene to create an open space'
and 'create areas that are invisible to each other.'

So Miyoshi 'put the husband in short-stay care,
creating time and space that the wife could not see,'
'the husband gained a free world away from his wife's surveillance,'
making it a relationship where he 'could even have an affair,'
and by 'creating a space invisible to both parties,
he created a reciprocal relationship of mutual consideration.'

By 'creating a world invisible to each other,
and becoming a healthy relationship where they can be jealous of each other,'
the 'delusional jealousy' was brilliantly resolved.

Takuji Iwano interprets this in terms of 'gift theory,'
suggesting that it is a matter of 'curing the 'relational disorder' that had arisen until then
by changing the twisted 'master and slave' relationship caused by a one-sided gift
into a mutual gift.'

It is a story of 'jealousy' that might even feel ridiculous,
but 'jealousy' is this simple and deep-rooted.

In a sense, one could say that 'jealousy'
is itself 'delusional.'

Regarding 'jealousy,' about a year ago
in mediopos3384 (2024.2.22), I took up
Kei Yamamoto's 'Theory of Jealousy' and
the chapter on 'Jealousy' in Kiyoshi Miki's 'Notes on Life.'

Jealousy is born when
one compares oneself to others
and a sense of one's own inferiority is involved,
and at its source
is the fact that in order for 'me being me' to be established,
comparison with others is unavoidable.

Only by comparing oneself with others
can one form one's own identity
and confirm one's own standing,

but usually, being thought of as jealous is shameful,
and admitting it to oneself
can also hurt one's self-esteem,
so people sometimes try to shift it onto external things.

It seems the man mentioned above shifted the imbalance of the gift that was his 'jealousy'
onto the idea of his wife having an affair.

In the chapter on 'Jealousy' in 'Notes on Life,' Kiyoshi Miki
suggests that 'jealousy is always busy'
and 'the more individualistic a person is, the less jealous they are,'
but...

The man's delusion was
because there was, so to speak, a simple-minded male-supremacist consciousness,
leading to 'jealousy' due to a relationship that had become 'asymmetrical',
and while unable to be truly 'individualistic',
he was busy working actively toward
the 'shifting' of his own inferiority.

■ Takuji Iwano 'Theory of Gift in Care, Series No. 11: Jealousy Delusion'
(Hosei University Press Annex (note))
■ Haruki Miyoshi 'Theory of Relational Disorders: To Avoid Binding the Elderly'
(Ensosha 2023/4/5)
■ Kei Yamamoto 'Theory of Jealousy: Dissecting the Passions Swirling in Democratic Society'
(Kobunsha Shinsho 1297, Kobunsha 2024/2)
■ Kiyoshi Miki 'Notebook on Life' (Shincho Bunko)
(December 1974, 50th printing (revised 35th printing, 1967))

** (Takuji Iwano 'Theory of Gift in Care, Series No. 11: Jealousy Delusion')

'The 11th installment is titled "Jealousy Delusion," and we begin by considering Haruki Miyoshi's book "Theory of Relational Disorders." Why does the "gift of the gaze" end up dominating the other person? Incorporating arguments from Foucault and Hegel, I will interpret this from the perspective of "gift theory."

・Everyone feels jealousy.

'The example I will take up this time is "jealousy delusion." Today, it is often pointed out that dementia patients become caught up in delusions, and among these is "jealousy delusion." Why do they become convinced and feel jealous? Of course, "jealousy delusion" exists outside of dementia as well, but the following example provides one answer.'

'Once again, I will refer to the text by caregiver Haruki Miyoshi. The book I am taking up is "Theory of Relational Disorders." In it, he talks about a man's "jealousy delusion."

・1 A husband who suspects his wife of infidelity

'This man is a graduate of what is now Tokyo University of Science, worked as an engineer for a listed company, and rose to the position of factory manager. He worked energetically in the past but retired at the mandatory age, collapsed from a stroke five years ago, and at 78 is now bedridden, being cared for by his wife. The care is provided properly, and except for having one of their two sons help bathe him once a week on Sundays, all caregiving tasks such as meals and excretion are performed by his wife. Aside from going to the hospital by taxi, he has been bedridden at home for five years reading difficult technical books. In this situation, the man became caught up in the delusion that his 76-year-old wife was cheating on him, and began to blame her, saying, "You must have been meeting a young man." When his wife returns from shopping, he accuses her of having a relationship with a man, and just by her answering the phone in the next room, he gets jealous, saying, "It must have been a man calling." Moreover, the jealousy gradually escalates and becomes pathological.'

'Miyoshi analyzes this case as follows.'

********
While the husband only lies in bed in the room, the wife can move around freely. The husband's actions are completely under the wife's gaze, but the wife's actions are only the object of the husband's gaze when she appears in the room.
********

To explain this situation, Miyoshi cites the example of the Panopticon from Michel Foucault's "Discipline and Punish." The Panopticon is a system called all-seeing surveillance, a prison devised in the 19th century by the British utilitarian thinker Jeremy Bentham. In this prison, there is a watchtower in the center of the prison block, from which the guard can monitor the prisoners without being seen himself. The prisoners are under the guard's one-sided gaze, but they cannot see the guard. Moreover, when this surveillance becomes normalized, the prisoners begin to believe they are always being watched, even if the guard is not actually looking.

The relationship of the elderly couple mentioned earlier is the same. The wife can unilaterally monitor her husband without being seen, like a guard, and the husband is under the control of a one-sided gaze, like a prisoner.'

'Let me add an interpretation from the perspective of gift theory here. Seeing and the gaze are linked to the gift. As expressions like "casting a glance," "sending a gaze," and "keeping an eye on" suggest, the eyes have a deep connection to giving. Therefore, surveillance by the Panopticon is nothing other than a "one-sided gift of the gaze." The guard dominates the prisoner through the one-sided gift of the gaze, and in the same way, the wife, without realizing it, dominates her husband through the gift of the gaze. The violence of the gaze is also the violence of the gift.'

'Thus, because the marital relationship is asymmetrical regarding the space of the visible and the invisible, a disorder arises.'

'Paradoxically, by convincing himself that she is cheating, he is trying to gain peace of mind. "Jealousy delusion" is a psychological mechanism that attempts to soften the damage in the worst-case scenario by assuming the wife's infidelity in advance. In other words, it can be called a "preemptive defense mechanism" of the mind. The husband is unconsciously trying not to get hurt.'

・2 How was it resolved?

'The strength of Miyoshi's care theory is that when a disorder arises in a relationship, it is corrected through the relationship itself. He proposes making the relationship between husband and wife mutual rather than one-sided.'

'The husband must be liberated from the one-sided gift of the gaze. What should be done to achieve this?'

One might think of encouraging the husband's independence, but it is impossible to tell a man of the older generation who has depended on his wife for household life since he married to "be independent." If you coldly tell him to "be independent" suddenly after he has retired and can no longer earn money, he will only become more servile. Also, one might think that the wife should always be with the husband so that they are both objects of each other's gaze, but this is also not good. This is because if you create such a closed zone for just the two of them, they will enter a world of delusion together. Let us recall that "caregiver murder" and "caregiver suicide" were partly caused by the caregiver and the person being cared for creating a closed world. A closed room for just two people is dangerous.'

It is necessary to create an open space by having a third party intervene as much as possible. Miyoshi argues that one should create mutually invisible domains.

********
Therefore, I do the opposite. I create a space in the father's life that the wife cannot see.
********

So he puts the husband in short-term respite care, creating time and space that the wife cannot see. A domain is created that is not subject to her gaze.

What Miyoshi did was to create a mutually invisible space, thereby establishing a reciprocal relationship of mutual consideration.

So, what happened to this couple? Miyoshi states the following.

********
I was surprised. Knowing his state at home well, he changed remarkably. The short-term respite care system had just started, and I hadn't experienced it yet, but the father, who used to read newspapers and technical books with a stern face, was touching the nurses' buttocks and breasts, and talking about dirty things. It was such a dramatic change, as if he were a man who would go to bars or cabarets on his way home from work and have these kinds of conversations with women.
********

And when he returned home,

********
As planned, when the wife said, 'It must have been nice to be with young people over there,' he grinned. From then on, the delusion disappeared completely.
********

By having mutually invisible domains and being in a situation where they could potentially be jealous of each other, the 'delusional jealousy' was resolved. From this, we can see that the relationship based on a one-sided gift of the gaze was causing the disorder. 'Delusional jealousy' was a message originating from the husband's anxiety.

Perhaps the wife was caring for him with sincerity. The anxiety that he would be miserable if abandoned by that wife was appearing in a distorted form. This delusion was born from a one-sided relationship between just the two of them. Therefore, while receiving advice from Miyoshi, the wife read the state of her husband's heart, they created mutually invisible worlds, and they became a healthy couple capable of being jealous of each other.

3. From the 'Dialectic of Lord and Bondsman' to a Mutual Relationship

Let me borrow a somewhat unexpected book here. It is the major work of the German philosopher Hegel, 'Phenomenology of Spirit.' In this book, there is a section called the 'Dialectic of Lord and Bondsman.' It is a part said to have influenced Marx's revolutionary theory later on. Can we not see something similar to Hegel's 'Dialectic of Lord and Bondsman' in the relationship between this husband and wife? Today, the 'struggle for recognition' written before this 'dialectic' is more often used to explain the desire for recognition in internet society, but here, the 'Dialectic of Lord and Bondsman' is more useful. It is the story that while the lord dominates the bondsman, he is actually dependent on the bondsman's labor, obedience, and service, and through this dependence, the relationship is reversed before one knows it.

If we interpret what Miyoshi did from the perspective of 'Gift Theory,' did he not cure the 'relational disorder' that had been occurring by changing the twisted 'lord and bondsman' relationship caused by a one-sided gift into a mutual gift?

(Kei Yamamoto, 'Theory of Jealousy')

Jealousy and Longing

Both (jealousy and longing) are no different in that what others possess becomes the cause of desire. However, in the case of longing, we feel admiration for someone who has talents or looks that we do not have, and we will likely make an effort to obtain them ourselves. In contrast, what is characteristic of jealousy is that we suffer from the situation where we do not have what others have, and we yearn for others to lose it. Rather than raising ourselves to a higher level, we find relief by pulling others down; this is precisely why jealousy is considered evil.

When does jealousy arise? This is relatively clear. Yes, jealousy rears its head when we compare ourselves to others. In other words, the emotion of jealousy arises between those who are comparable. Conversely, it also means that we do not feel jealousy toward those who cannot be compared.

Even though we know it is wrong, we end up comparing our circumstances with those of our neighbors; this can be said to be human nature. Only by comparing ourselves with others can we form our own identities or confirm our own standing in society. In that sense, there is nothing inherently good or bad about comparing itself.

Upward Jealousy and Downward Jealousy
In general, social comparison can be divided into 'upward comparison,' which refers to comparing oneself with others who are superior in terms of physical ability, intelligence, wealth, or the richness of their private lives, and 'downward comparison,' which refers to comparison with others who are inferior to oneself. We are sad creatures who constantly measure our own standing while looking up and down.
Upward jealousy is, in a sense, easy to understand. Our hearts are deeply disturbed by seeing people in positions superior to our own.
What is more interesting is the existence of 'downward jealousy.' (...) We can be jealous of people who are below us or in inferior positions.
(...)
We can also be jealous when someone else easily obtains something that we obtained through hard work. When we see someone achieve without difficulty what we think we accomplished after blood-and-sweat efforts, or if someone happens to get the same thing cheaply when we paid a high price, jealousy arises toward that person's talent or luck.

Relative Deprivation
In the fields of sociology and social psychology, the dissatisfaction or sense of lack that arises from comparing oneself with others, rather than the absolute amount of satisfaction one feels, is called 'relative deprivation'.

・Envy and Jealousy
"It is difficult to clearly distinguish between envy and jealousy, and the two are quite intermingled."
"In fact, no matter how similar envy and jealousy may be, there is a decisive difference between them. That is, while jealousy relates to 'loss,' envy relates primarily to 'lack.' (...) In other words, while a person feeling jealousy thinks a rival is trying to take what is theirs, in the case of the envious person, they think the rival possesses what they themselves desire. (...) To put it another way, if jealousy is defensive, envy is rather aggressive."

・Ressentiment
"The emotion of envy is one fuel that triggers ressentiment, and to that extent, it should be distinguishable for the time being from ressentiment itself, which denies noble values."

・Schadenfreude
"This word (Schadenfreude) is a German word combining 'Schaden,' meaning 'harm,' and 'Freude,' meaning 'joy.' (...) It is something like 'the misfortune of others is the taste of honey' or 'the neighbor's poverty is the taste of duck.'"
"Schadenfreude is a highly shameful emotion in that it derives pleasure from the misfortune of others. As one can easily imagine, this is also closely intertwined with the emotion of envy. In other words, when one witnesses the object of their envy at the bottom of misfortune, the envy is reincarnated as Schadenfreude."

・The fear of others thinking you are envious
"In general, we extremely dislike showing our feelings of envy. We know that envy is morally indefensible and shameful. (...) Being suspected of envy toward someone would mean putting us in a very difficult position."

・The fear of admitting to yourself that you are envious
"Realizing one's own envy is accompanied by a different kind of cruelty. In other words, admitting to envy toward someone also means admitting to an inferiority complex toward that person. This greatly hurts one's self-esteem and is quite difficult to accept."
Therefore, for us to accept our own envy, cultural devices that attribute that inferiority not to our own responsibility, but to some other reason—for example, luck or fate that we cannot control—become very important. For instance, if we can think of failure or misfortune as the will of God, we might be able to give up without hurting our self-esteem by telling ourselves it is not due to our own lack of ability."

・Epilogue

"If there is any meaning to envy, it is because this emotion tells us 'who I am.' In most cases, my envy is not empathized with by others. My envy is mine alone. Who am I envious of, and what are they envious of? Why do I end up being envious of him or her? This, in turn, will tell me what kind of person I am, who I am comparing myself to, and what kind of reference group I find myself in. It may certainly not be an objective self-image, but sometimes it can reveal another self that even I was not aware of."

"What about envy at the individual level? First, as a way to come to terms with envy, each person can overcome it by cultivating an ethical mental attitude."

"As many self-help books guide us, there is only one way to surely escape envy. That is to stop comparing. If you do not compare yourself with others, feelings of envy will not sprout. If you want to stop comparing, stepping down from competition is one way. But as everyone knows, stopping comparison is unexpectedly difficult."
(...)
Then, why not think about it in reverse? If you cannot stop comparing, then pursue comparison to the very end. What if it is the half-baked comparison focused only on certain parts that is inflating your envy? If you observe a superior neighbor you find annoying closely, you will see a side you never expected. It goes without saying, but there are hardly any perfect people. If such an unexpected fact enters your eyes, your envy should also be eased to a considerable extent. If you cannot stop comparing, dare to be thorough; paradoxical as it may be, this seems to be the only sure way to soothe the monster called envy."

** 'Kiyoshi Miki, Notes on Life' - 'Envy'

"The strength of love and envy is based on the fact that they intensely engage the imagination. Imagination is magical. People are envious of what they have created with their own imagination. The fact that love and envy are tactical also arises from the fact that they drive the imagination and move by being driven by the imagination. Moreover, the imagination works in envy because of some love mixed into it. Who knows if there is no love at the bottom of envy, and no devil within love?"

"Envy arises toward those in a higher position than oneself, or those in a happier state than oneself. But it is necessary that the difference is not absolute, and that one can think they could become like him. It must not be completely heterogeneous; there must be something in common. Moreover, envy usually does not seek to raise oneself to the position of the envied, but rather to lower him to one's own position. It is only on the surface that envy appears to be aiming for something higher. It is essentially directed toward something average. In this respect, it differs from love, which in its essence always longs for something higher."

"Envy is the tendency to seek averaging in the human world by those who do not know that all humans are equal before God."

"It is a general truth that one passion can be controlled better by another passion than by the intellect. If the saying that heroes are not envious is true, it is because other passions such as ambition or competitive spirit are stronger in them, and more importantly, they are more persistent forces."

"Envy is always busy. I know of no other passion as busy and yet as unproductive as envy."

"If one were to define an innocent heart, a heart that is not envious would be the most appropriate."

"To eliminate envy, it is said to have self-confidence. But how does self-confidence arise? By making things yourself; nothing is created from envy. Humans create themselves by making things, and thus become individual. The more individual a person is, the less envious they are. That happiness does not exist apart from individuality can be understood from this fact as well."

○ Takuji Iwano
Professor, School of Arts and Letters / Faculty of Law, Meiji University. Author of: 'Theory of Gift' (Seidosha), 'Adventure Concerning Gift' (Heureka), 'Philosophy of Gift' (Meiji University Press), 'Georges Bataille' (Suiseisha). Co-translator of: Bataille's 'Bataille Letters 1917–1962' (Suiseisha), etc.

○ Haruki Miyoshi
Born in Hiroshima Prefecture in 1950. After working as a life counselor at a special nursing home for the elderly, he obtained a physical therapist license at age 31. He became independent at age 35 and established the 'Life and Rehabilitation Research Institute.' In recent years, while hosting life rehabilitation seminars across the country, he gives over 100 lectures a year. Representative Director of the general incorporated association 'Thinking Cane'.

■ Takuji Iwano 'Gift Theory of Care, Series No. 11: Delusional Jealousy'
(Hosei University Press Annex (note))