"That Singing Voice, It's a Secret." 6 (End) -???-

[Previous Chapter]

　🏠
　After finishing my call with Sakurai-san, I collapsed onto my bed.

　The small creaking sound of the springs lingered in my ears. Still in my uniform, I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling. The smartphone, which had been filled with Sakurai-san's voice just a moment ago, was silent now.

　Sakurai-san's words repeated in my head over and over.

　--Don't be afraid of us.

　Sakurai-san's voice and the pauses between her words still echoed deep in my chest. Just thinking about it made my throat feel hot.

　No one understands me. I'm all alone, and it's lonely.

　That's how I had always felt.

　But now, that thought seemed terribly selfish.

　I had been lamenting that no one understood me, while I hadn't been trying to see anyone else at all. I had pushed everyone away with my own arbitrary assumptions and preconceptions, ignoring their expressions, their consideration, and the words they offered me.

　I thought I would get hurt if I let people get close.

　But maybe it was me who had been doing the hurting.

　Sakurai-san's face came to mind.

　How she invited me after school so many times. How she talked to me. How she waited for me with a smile. Every time, I would smile vaguely and draw a line—gently, but firmly.

　I hadn't even considered the possibility that I was the one causing harm.

　Something heavy sank deep into my chest.

　It wasn't just this time. Maybe it had been the same back in middle school.

　The kids who talked to me. The kids who tried to be friends with me. If there were people who had reached out to me, even just a little—what if there were people who got hurt because I avoided interacting with them?

　I had always thought of myself as the victim, but what if that wasn't the truth?

Now, there is no way to verify it.

There is no way to know the feelings of the people I can no longer meet in the classroom I have graduated from.

That is precisely why it was all the more frightening. If that were true.

I am the worst.

Otowa squeezed her eyes shut. The back of her eyelids stung.

("No one understands me? That's only natural, isn't it? ...Because I myself never tried to understand anyone.")

Once those words took clear shape in her heart, there was nowhere left to run. It was too true, and it hurt.

--From now on, I will change.

The resolve from the first day of school suddenly came back to her.

A new classroom. The scent of spring. A seat by the window. Fingertips stiff with tension. That day, I truly thought it. That this time, I would change. That I wouldn't run away, and would properly face people.

And yet.

"...I haven't changed at all."

As she whispered in a raspy voice, the words were simply absorbed into the white ceiling of the room.

Pathetic.

But perhaps, right now, I must not look away from that feeling.

I must not repeat the same thing. I must never forget what happened this time. If I conveniently end it by saying 'it couldn't be helped,' I will surely return to the same place again.

That's right. Much more than I had thought--

"...Ah."

Otowa opened her eyes.

There was a word that had just come to mind. Short, yet strangely heavy, that word.

When I write a song, the title often comes to me first. The title becomes the seed, and from there, the melody and lyrics grow.

That's why I knew. This wasn't just a random thought. It was a phrase that touched the deepest part of my heart.

A name to lock away the pain I never want to forget, just as it is.

Otowa slowly sat up. She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the notebook on the desk toward her. Just before the pen tip touched the paper, her breath hitched for a brief moment.

Then, she wrote down that one phrase that had just come to mind.

She stared at it.

It felt like a title that wasn't like me. But that was exactly why I thought it was good.

I'll turn this feeling into a song. I won't run away; I'll make it into a form that will truly remain.

My ugliness, my mistakes, my wishes—all of it.

＊

A few days later.

Otowa was in her room, staring at her laptop screen. On the other side of the Zoom screen was Ryu. He was looking over the demo track and lyric notes that Otowa had sent.

"Honestly, it was a surprise that these kinds of lyrics came from you, Otowa-chan."

When he said that first, Otowa gave a small shrug.

I understand why he'd be surprised. The me from before would never have been able to write words like these.

"Since these lyrics came out... does that mean the matter you consulted me about the other day has been resolved?"

Ryu's voice was soft. It wasn't rushing me or probing; it was just a tone that seemed to be confirming.

Otowa looked at her own face reflected in the corner of the screen for just a moment, then cast her eyes downward.

"I think it was just as you told me that day, Ryu-san. ...I hadn't understood anything at all."

After saying that, I began to talk about that day, little by little.

About the karaoke. The selfish assumptions I had held about Sakurai-san and the others. Thinking that I was the only one getting hurt. But realizing that, in reality, I might have been the one pushing others away and hurting them.

Ryu-san didn't interrupt me along the way. He just listened, nodding quietly from time to time.

By the time I finished talking, Otowa was a little out of breath. It felt like after singing a lot; the depths of my chest felt empty, but also a little lighter.

"Otowa-chan, you're still a student, after all."

Ryu-san said that and gave a soft smile.

"You're much more amazing than I was when I realized it after becoming a working adult."

"That's not..."

"It is."

Even through the screen, I could tell that Ryu-san's gaze was direct.

"Realizing things is painful. Noticing your own mistakes and admitting them is quite tough. But if you don't go through that, you probably can't truly change."

Those words settled quietly into my heart.

Otowa couldn't reply well. Instead, she gave a small nod.

Then Ryu-san softened his expression just a little and continued.

"...Cherish your friends."

That one sentence resonated with me, strangely deeply.

Friends.

I still can't quite accept that word as my own. But that is exactly why I think I must cherish them. Just like how you have to hold fragile things properly with both hands.

"Yes."

This time, I was able to answer with my voice.

After that, the two of them began talking about songwriting.

My own experiences might save someone someday.

That day, I didn't have the luxury to think about such things. I was just in pain, felt pathetic, and wanted to disappear.

But now, I think about it just a little.

If I can turn this pain and this realization into a song, maybe, someday, it might become a light in someone's heart.

🏫
Then, it was after school on a day about a week later.

The classroom was filled with the relaxed buzz that follows the end of class. Voices talking while pulling desks together, the sound of chairs being dragged, someone's laughter. Outside the window, the colors of spring were already deepening, and the slanting sunlight cast long rectangles on the classroom floor.

My classmates, including Sakurai-san, were talking about where to go hang out afterward. Karaoke, crepes, the arcade, maybe a family restaurant is the safest bet—those kinds of words were flying back and forth.

I was watching that circle from my seat.

My heartbeat is loud.

If I do it now, I can still just say goodbye and go home. I could make an excuse in my head that I want to practice guitar, and just grab my bag. Surely no one would blame me.

But.

I thought that wouldn't do.

I must not repeat the same thing. I had decided that on my bed that day.

I stand up. My legs are trembling just a little. I felt as if the air in the classroom had suddenly become thin, and just taking one breath was all I could manage.

Even so, I walk toward the circle.

Someone noticed first and called out, "Oh, Nijisaki-san." At that moment, several gazes turned toward Otowa all at once.

"...Can I come along, too?"

There was a beat of silence.

Everyone looked a little surprised. I think that's only natural. Even I wouldn't have believed it if the me from a week ago had called out like this.

"Sure, but... are you okay with that?"

It was Sakurai-san who said that. It wasn't a tone of rejection, but a voice concerned about Otowa's music activities. Aren't you busy with practice or songwriting? That's probably what she meant.

"Yeah. It's hard to do it often, but... I want to hang out with everyone, too."

The moment I said that, I felt something inside my chest loosen.

Then, the air suddenly softened.

"Eh, that's totally fine!" "Yay, Nijisaki-san is coming!?"

The voices that came back in response were all bright. There was no hint of suspicion. They were just a little surprised, and even more welcoming.

I lost my words for a moment.

I hadn't expected to be accepted so easily.

I was the one who had been keeping my distance on my own. And yet, everyone was making space for me.

Sakurai-san said, in her usual slightly forceful tone, while holding her bag.

"Otowa, come on, hurry up!"

"Yeah, I'm coming. Saku..."

Having said that much, Otowa stopped.

My heart gave a thud.

What if she thinks I'm being too familiar? What if I misjudged the distance? I couldn't say it because I was only thinking about things like that.

But now, I wanted to say it. I wanted to get closer to her properly.

So, I swallowed my trembling breath and continued.

"...Let's go, Reina."

She opened her eyes wide as if taken aback.

It was only for a split second.

The next moment, she broke into a smile.

"Yeah. Let's go, Otowa!"

The moment I heard that reply, my vision blurred.

"Ah, um..."

I don't even understand it myself. I'm not sad. I'm not in pain. And yet, a tear fell.

"Eh, wait, Otowa!?"

Rena raised a panicked voice. Beside her, our classmates all started buzzing at once.

"Oh, Rena, you made Nizaki-san cry!" "I always knew you'd do it someday~"

"What's that supposed to mean! ...Wait, hey, Otowa~"

I retorted immediately, and her panicked reaction was so typical of her that Otowa laughed while crying.

How strange, I think.

Crying when I'm not sad, and laughing while I'm crying—it was my first time for both.

However, there was surely only one thing at the center of those messy emotions.

I'm happy.

That I was accepted. That I was waited for.

That the small step I took was properly received.

Otowa rubs her eyes and whispers softly in her heart.

(Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for... becoming my friend--)

By the time we stepped out of the classroom, the evening light had softened just a little. The sky visible from the hallway window was beginning to melt a pale orange into the depths of the blue. On the school grounds illuminated by the setting sun, the shouts of the sports clubs echoed in the distance, carried on the wind.

I jog a little to catch up to the backs of everyone walking ahead of me while laughing.

The spring breeze gently dries the traces of tears left on my cheeks.

Even though the wind was still a little cold, strangely, it no longer smelled like the season of being all alone.