Why does it take introverts so long to get close to people? Thoughts from someone who prefers deep conversations on how to build friendships.
There are people who meet for the first time and are calling each other by their first names just two hours later.
I think many people have watched such scenes from afar at every social gathering. I think, 'That's amazing.' At the same time, I'm left wondering how they can close the distance so quickly.
I'm not like that.
I get to know the other person a little bit each time we talk, and after meeting a few times, I realize, 'I like this person.'
Because that pace is slow, by the time we start to get close, the other person has moved on to another group, or I'm kept at a distance because I can't easily speak in a casual tone.
Some people may have thought to themselves, 'Maybe I'm not cut out for socializing.'
This time, I'd like to dig a little deeper into that.
Human relationships are layered by nature
According to Social Penetration Theory, proposed by psychologists Altman and Taylor in 1973, human relationships are considered to deepen in stages.
A commonly used metaphor is an onion.
People have layers starting from the outside, and at first, only topics that are safe to touch are visible. The weather, favorite foods, movies watched recently. From there, you gradually move to the inner layers. Things you're not good at, values, past failures. At the very center, there is a part that you only show to those you are very close to. In this theory, intimacy is considered to be nurtured by both
'how many topics you touch upon (breadth)'
'how deep a conversation you can have (depth)'
and is thought to be fostered by both.
In other words, human relationships are something that naturally involves stages. It is not the ideal form to become deep all of a sudden; rather, peeling back the layers little by little is considered the natural process of cultivating a relationship.
Introverts tend to peel back layers cautiously
Introverts also tend to show differences in tendencies from extroverts in how they deepen relationships.
Many extroverts warm up relationships while broadening the scope of conversation.
Topics jump around, laughter is born, and the distance is often closed with the feeling of 'That was fun.'
On the other hand, introverts tend to seek depth over breadth of topics. I feel more like having a heart-to-heart talk with one person than talking about the weather with ten people. I get tired if superficial conversations continue, and I don't feel like I've 'become close' through them.
That is why I think intimacy is hard to build through frequency of contact alone.
I also feel a sense of discomfort when trying to close the distance with someone I don't know well by pretending that I do.
What is happening when you are told you have a 'wall up'?
I think many people, like me, have had the experience of being told, 'You should open up more,' or 'You have a wall up, don't you?'
But in reality, what is happening inside is less about building a wall and more about being in a phase of verification.
Will this person treat what I say with respect?
Can they keep a secret?
Will they respect my pace?
Will they avoid starting with a negation?
I am observing these things without putting them into words. Often, I am doing this unconsciously.
When you close the distance quickly and later realize that you are not compatible with that person, the hurt goes deeper.
As such experiences accumulate, caution becomes a way of protecting oneself.
The often-overlooked strengths of those who take their time
For those who take time to become close, there is the aspect that it is easier to build long-lasting relationships.
Because we move forward while checking in with each other, it is less likely that we will end up in a relationship where we 'somehow became close but don't actually know each other well.' We don't end up with a large number of superficial associations, and we are less likely to get exhausted.
Because we spend a long time assessing the other person, the accuracy of choosing someone who suits us also increases.
However, if you just wait, the relationship will not progress.
Being slow is not a problem, but if you do nothing yourself, it may appear to the other person as if you are not interested.
Caution and passivity may look similar, but they are different.
Turning the pages one by one, at my own pace
Social penetration theory does not view self-disclosure as a binary choice between 'telling everything' or 'telling nothing.' It is closer to the image of peeling back layers little by little.
Being aware of your own stages can make it easier to navigate.
Topics you can talk about first (outer layers)
What you ate recently
Things you like and hobbies
How you spend your days off
Slightly more advanced stages (middle layers)
Things you are not good at
Tendencies in your likes and dislikes
What you value
After becoming close (inner layers)
Past failures and setbacks
Feelings about family and the future
Things you are truly worried about
You don't need to open up all at once. Conversely, it's not a bad idea to keep some distance and observe someone who seeks deep conversation from the very beginning.
The following checklist might serve as a criterion for judgment.
Keeps promises
Does not dismiss what you say right off the bat
Does not engage in much gossip or bad-mouthing
Does not disrupt your pace
Do not treat what is said lightly
If you felt that three or more of these apply to you, it might be the right time to take a step forward.
It is okay for the speed of getting close to others to be different for everyone.
I believe that what is necessary for human relationships is not just the ability to accelerate.
There are people who can close the distance immediately. That is a wonderful talent in its own right. At the same time, there are relationships that can only be reached by those who take the time to cultivate trust.
The feeling that it is scary when someone acts like a best friend even though you only met yesterday—I believe that is a form of sincerity.
You don't have to rush to get closer to someone.
I share information from the perspective of someone who is an introvert and highly sensitive, to help others like me survive without becoming too exhausted. I write this while incorporating my knowledge as a certified social insurance labor consultant and career consultant.
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