"I didn't realize you were such a talker"—A story about introverts who are misunderstood at first glance, even though they can talk normally once they get close to someone

Introduction

Once I get close to someone, I can talk normally. I know that about myself.

But before I reach that point, I get misunderstood.

"I thought you were a quiet person," "You talk more than I thought," "At first, you seemed unapproachable." These are things I've been told many times.

Every time I hear them, I get a little hurt. In my own mind, I've been the same person from the start. It just takes me time to put things into words.

Since brushing it off by saying "I'm not being rude" doesn't really help, I'd like to try and organize why these misunderstandings happen a bit more carefully.

It's not that I'm "being rude," it's that there's a lack of information

Try to think back to a first meeting.

It takes a little time for the conversation to warm up. In places with many strangers, I first focus on reading the room. If I try to be overly friendly, it ends up feeling unnatural.

While I'm doing that, a vibe starts to form that says, "Isn't that person being rude?"

In psychology, there is a concept called "thin-slicing." People form a rough judgment about others within seconds of meeting them. It is said that the information used at that time is more non-verbal—such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and the intensity of reactions—than the actual content of the words.

In other words, at the stage of a first meeting where nothing has been said yet, the quieter a person's reactions are, the more they become a "person with little information."

When there is little information, the brain tries to fill in the blanks. What tends to be used to fill those gaps are negative emotions like "caution" or "rejection."

It's not that I'm being rude. It's just that the information hasn't reached them yet. But the other person's brain fills in that blank on its own.

Humans find it easier to feel at ease with "people who have big reactions"

Why is it that people with big reactions tend to make a better first impression?

Laughing, nodding, expressing surprise out loud. These actions function easily as signs that "this person is safe" or "this person is interested in me." Throughout the long history of humans living in groups, quickly sensing whether an opponent had hostile intent was directly linked to survival. That remnant still remains at the foundation of our communication today.

On the other hand, introverts use their resources to process a massive amount of information in first-meeting situations. Observing, reading the room, choosing words. Because that processing runs first, the reactions that come out externally tend to be temporarily small.

It's precisely because I'm processing that I become quiet. But from the outside, I look like a "person with no reaction."

Being "misunderstood" is harder than being disliked

For introverts, the pain felt in interpersonal relationships is often closer to being "misunderstood" than being "disliked."

They are thought to be cold. They are thought to be uninterested. They are thought to be unapproachable. They are asked if they are angry.

In reality, they were just nervous, or perhaps just focused on processing information.

If I were disliked, I could understand that. It would mean something about me didn't suit the other person. But being misunderstood is different. Before my true self can reach them, I am judged solely by my outward impression.

It is not that my existence is being denied, but it feels like I am being treated as someone I am not. When that piles up, it slowly wears you down.

Introverts are evaluated more highly as time goes on

Have you ever been told, "I was scared of you at first, but you're completely different"?

Introverts show their strengths more in deep relationships than in shallow ones. They are consistent. They are good listeners. They don't hurt people carelessly. They choose their words carefully.

These traits are not visible in the first few minutes. But as time passes, they slowly turn into trust.

If extroverts are the type strong in "initial speed," introverts are the type strong in the "second half."

However, society's "communication skill evaluation" tends to be biased toward first impressions. The first round of drinks, the first meeting, the first hour of a first date. Evaluations made there are often treated as "that person's communication skills."

If you fight by those rules, introverts are at a disadvantage. But if your evaluation rises the longer a relationship continues, then everything isn't decided by initial speed.

Forcing yourself to be cheerful won't last

So, shouldn't you just try hard to be cheerful at first?

Many people have probably tried that.

Raising your energy only for the first meeting. Fixing a smile on your face. Trying to liven up the atmosphere.

As a result, you are so exhausted the day after the party that you can't do anything. To maintain the reputation that "that person is cheerful," you have to keep creating a persona every time. And you start to get a little sick of the self you are playing.

If you show 120% of yourself only the first time, a feeling of "something is different" occurs from the second time onward. To bridge that gap, you push yourself again.

Things you cannot keep up do not function as a strategy.

What is needed is not "becoming someone else," but "conveying the minimum amount of information to avoid being misunderstood."

Conclusion

Being misunderstood at first glance is not always a matter of personality.

People with quiet reactions are processed as having little information. When there is little information, the brain tends to fill in the blanks negatively.

Once you understand the mechanism, you can come up with countermeasures.

In this note, I share information from the perspective of someone who is introverted and highly sensitive, so they can survive without being too exhausted. I write this while incorporating my knowledge as a certified social insurance labor consultant and career consultant.

If you like it, please follow me so you can receive my next article.

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