[Uragami-Murakami Correspondence] 13th Letter | Murakami

Dear Uragami,

Hello.
The heat has finally eased up. When a cool breeze blows, it feels like I can finally take a deep breath.
About a week ago, I noticed the announcers on my morning news program (I highly recommend the Kansai-local "Ohayo Asahi Desu") started wearing long sleeves, and I realized that autumn is just around the corner.
Even though I'm thinking now about how I wish it would get cool sooner, I was idly thinking this morning that once winter comes, I'll probably be shivering in the cold and missing the summer sun.

When I read your letters, Uragami, the words I want to write just come flooding out.
I'm writing this reply now while grappling with the conflict of wanting to write quickly, yet also wanting to take more time to let the thoughts simmer.
I truly love the words you spin with such time and care, Uragami.
As I read them, they soak into my heart, and thoughts come to mind for every single one of your ideas.
Even though it's a letter, reading it feels like we are having a conversation.
For this letter of yours, I pictured us sitting across from each other in a dimly lit coffee shop, chatting in slightly hushed voices.

I was happy that you thought of light, fluttering butterflies.
Butterflies cannot live without flowers to land on.
For me, I think those flowers are books.
As living beings, people, animals, and insects all need nourishment, and since I love to eat, I am greedy when it comes to food, but I am even more obsessed with reading.
If I could only do one thing for the rest of my life, I would choose reading.

Now, I would like to talk about the "fear of expressing oneself."
First, regarding putting what I've expressed out into the world.
When I put out a piece of writing, a drawing, or a photo that I thought was good, and it doesn't get the reaction I hoped for, a feeling that is neither quite fear nor anxiety slowly wells up from the pit of my stomach.
I end up worrying about it for a while.
However, I don't want to stop expressing myself because of that, and your words, Uragami, made me realize something in a flash.
I had been worrying too much about other people's evaluations.
I end up expressing myself with the premise of being seen and evaluated by others.
While I probably won't be able to completely wipe that away in the future, through your experience, I've been able to think about valuing what I want to express, what I feel is good, and what kind of person I want to be, rather than just focusing on evaluation.
(I feel this at work, too.)
I will also try to be conscious of putting into words the reasons for my own "good" and "like."

You want to take pictures of shadows with interesting shapes, don't you? I also like how shadows stretch long across the ground.
I also like imagining what cloud shapes look like, and I often take pictures of them.

As for showing my true self, I feel like I am still groping in the dark.
I think drawing is the way I can show my true self most honestly.
No matter how much I try to dress up a drawing, I can't hide it.
When my heart isn't at ease, I can't draw relaxed pictures.
With writing, audio, and video, I can edit to some extent, and I tend to make things look presentable out of concern for evaluation.
Even so, there is a sense of self that seeps through, but it might still be far from my favorite word, "relaxed."

It's the same with socializing; I'm quite the homebody (laughs), and while I can be my true self with my family, I have a side where the desire to be seen well by others wins out, and I can't fully open up.
Thinking about it that way, perhaps your expressions, Uragami, reveal your true self even if they contain the "fear of showing yourself."
I love your essays, Uragami, and even though we've never met in person, I love the atmosphere and the vibe that comes through your writing.
Separating writing from oneself might be something one thinks about precisely because oneself and one's writing are so closely linked.
Conversely, maybe I want to attach writing to myself. For writing that feels strangely not like me, I want that sense of self that makes me feel like it is me.
And it just occurred to me now that the writing in our correspondence is relaxed, and I realized that my own self is coming through.
I think this correspondence is partly why I've come to enjoy writing, so I cannot thank you enough, Uragami. Thank you.

I want to read the novel-like thing you wrote, Uragami.
It can be from now, or something you've polished after making the things or spaces you want to create clearer.
If there is anything you'd like to hear my thoughts on before putting it out into the world, I would be happy to read it anytime.
I've thought about trying to write a novel many times, but this might also be something I want to overcome.
Before I express myself, I get stuck thinking, "This is the standard, right?" Here, too, I try to dress things up.
If I kept doing that, it wouldn't be what I wanted to write, and I couldn't make any progress.
However, there is a piece of writing I want to link with a drawing right now. I'm thinking, albeit vaguely, that it would be nice if I could give it shape.

There is an indescribable fear that you only feel because you are a child, isn't there?
I wonder if my son also has fears that he keeps hidden only to himself.
It's not for now, but I feel like I'd like to talk to him about it when he becomes an adult.

Thank you for telling me your recommendations for Eastern Japan.
I was excited while reading it. Oh, I want to go...
When it comes to the Kanto region, I tend to end up in Tokyo or Yokohama. My purpose is often to go see someone rather than sightseeing, so that's why it ends up being the place where that person lives.
I want to taste how Utsunomiya gyoza differs from the gyoza we eat in Kansai, and experience the difference between Kusatsu/Ikaho Onsen and Arima Onsen.
I'm also very curious about Matsushima in Miyagi Prefecture from your description, Uragami.
The wonderful scenery created by nature—it's not like nature is showing it to us on purpose (obviously), but humans are finding beauty in it on their own, yet I can't help but feel a sense of mystery there.
I thought I would like to see such scenery, digest it, and express it.

It takes time and money, but it's not like I can never go. I want to save money, make time, and go to places worth visiting on purpose.
I have two more trips planned for this year, so next year for sure.
Following the example of a friend who is good at planning trips, I hope I can go to either Northern Kanto or Tohoku next year...
Since I'm living in Japan, I want to try to conquer all 47 prefectures someday.
If I count the prefectures I've only stopped by briefly, I've been to 30. The 17 unvisited prefectures were in Tohoku, Northern Kanto, and Kyushu. It really is the distance, isn't it...
I have been to Hokkaido and Okinawa because they are like the ministers of tourism for the north and south, but that's it.
(And I'm going to Hokkaido again next month.)
Recently, I've started something like regional revitalization to convey the charm of Nara Prefecture, where I live, so I'm focusing on what is unique to each land.
I think each place's specialty is built upon its own history, so while learning about the present and the past, I want to feel what is unique to this place.

The time you spent with your friend who came from afar sounded lovely, and I smiled while reading it.
It's wonderful to be able to get excited about shared hobbies, to say to each other that we'll meet again, and to be able to think that you want to meet again.

A long novel! That's great; my book-loving blood is stirring.
If you don't mind, please tell me the title of the book and your thoughts after you finish reading it.
You want to get absorbed in Haruki Murakami's novels, don't you? I understand.
I remember being completely immersed in the world of "The City and Its Uncertain Walls" as well.
I'm the type who reads several books in parallel, and even now, I have a book I read on my commute, a book I read before bed, and (though I can't really find the time) a book I'm in the middle of reading on the train or at a cafe when I go out.
I also often read novels before bed, and I have several stacked on the small shelf-cum-table next to my bed.

The feeling of the world of the novel taking shape within me and the characters feeling familiar, as well as the state of having a mountain of books I want to read—I can't stop empathizing with that. It's happiness, isn't it?
We live in a world where people talk about "time performance," but I don't think the time spent immersing oneself in reading can be described by that term.

Anxiety about the future—it's precisely because it's invisible that it makes you anxious, isn't it?
Even though there is a 10-year age gap between you and me, Uragami, I can't say that the anxiety will disappear someday, but what I can say is that the 10 years from 25 to 35 seemed to pass by quickly, and it was a dense 10 years.
The 10 years from 35 to 45 will probably be dense too, but I don't think I can move as energetically as I did in my 20s and early 30s. Both mentally and physically.
Rather than being energetic, my theme has become valuing my own pace and not being too impatient.
Looking back, I think it was easier to jump into things I wanted to do in my 20s when I had both physical and mental energy, so please, by all means, challenge yourself freely.
The fact that I'm the one saying this makes me deeply feel that I've aged, but I also feel the joy of aging, so I'm not pessimistic.
Also, precisely when I thought things were smooth sailing and was full of confidence, there were parts I couldn't see, and I had the rug pulled out from under me.
So, perhaps being a little anxious is actually a shortcut to the future you desire. I want to think so.
I'm sorry if that sounded condescending...

There are people 10 years younger than me at my workplace, and I sometimes think that our generations are different or that I don't understand what they are thinking.
If I think of you as being the same age as them, Uragami, I want to squint and think, "Young! Dazzling!" but the relationship is different, and I have many conversations with you that I don't have with them, so I definitely feel differently about you than I do about the people at work, and I feel close to you.

This is surely the longest letter yet.
It was very rewarding to read, and I was truly happy.
Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever received such a long letter before.
I will treasure it.

May your surroundings be brightly lit today as well, Uragami.

From Murakami