What my 6-month-old second son taught me: something more important than conversation | Week 3 of the 100-minute family talk challenge
Hello! This is Shoko ^^
Let's look at each other and talk for 100 minutes with the family!
Three weeks have passed since I started this challenge.
Last week was 144 minutes.
And this week was 57 minutes.
Looking only at the numbers, it has decreased.
But honestly,
for me, it's quite a lot.
If anything, I'm surprised.
Because,
before I started this challenge,
it was difficult for me to even look at my family and talk for 2 minutes.
So, more than the number 57 minutes,
the fact that I "did it"
was more significant.
And this week too,
I had a new realization.
It is that,
what I was lacking wasn't conversation,
but perhaps something even more fundamental.
That is what it means.
What my 6-month-old second son taught me
The most memorable thing this week was,
the time I spent with my 6-month-old second son.
Looking at his face,
his forehead.
his nose.
his eyebrows.
16 minutes spent talking about things like that.
If you only hear the content,
"What is that? (laughs)"
is what you'd think, right?
But,
talking while looking at his face,
versus not looking,
the reactions were completely different.
Our eyes meet.
He smiles.
He makes sounds.
Our eyes meet again.
My second son is only six months old.
As long as I don't look away,
he keeps looking at me.
That's why it was easy to understand.
His reactions are completely different when I'm looking at his face
versus when I'm not.
And I thought,
it's just easy to see because he's a baby,
but isn't it the same for adults?
Listening while doing something else.
Answering while looking at a smartphone.
Talking while doing housework.
Compared to that,
actually turning to face someone,
and looking them in the eye,
even in the same conversation,
must surely make a world of difference.
15 minutes playing soccer with my eldest son
This week, I also played soccer with my eldest son.
Lately, my husband has been the one playing with him more often,
I had been spending a lot of time looking after my younger child.
So, it had been a while.
Actually, at first,
I even thought, "We aren't really talking, so should I count this as part of the challenge time?"
But,
the 15 minutes I spent focusing solely on my eldest son
was a very rich experience.
While playing soccer,
he told me things like,
"I thought about it this way when I did that,"
"That was a mistake,"
"I like this kind of dribbling,"
"I like this way of attacking."
I didn't ask any special questions.
I was just playing soccer with him.
But,
in that time,
I felt like I could see a little bit of what my eldest son was thinking.
And,
it was a meaningful time.
I also thought,
"You've gotten so good at that."
Even though we are together every day,
there was growth there that I hadn't seen.
I was seeking a 'sense of having talked'
This week,
I realized one more thing.
Until now,
I had been trying to talk with my family.
I wanted to talk properly.
I wanted to listen properly.
I wanted to face them.
That's what I thought.
But,
it didn't go very well.
I wondered why that was.
And then I realized.
I didn't want to talk with my family,
I wanted the feeling of having 'talked'
successfully.
Maybe that's what I wanted to believe.
Deeper conversations.
More meaningful conversations.
Conversations that make me feel, 'I really talked today!'
That is what I was looking for.
But,
what my children want to talk about is different.
Talk about shadows.
Talk about bananas.
Talk about being bitten by a mosquito.
Talk about being on duty at preschool.
Honestly,
that wasn't the kind of talk I wanted to hear.
That's why,
even when I tried to listen, I don't think I really could.
'I'd rather be preparing for something else right now'
'I have other things to do right now'
Because those feelings came first.
First, I should just look at them.
And this week,
I had a major realization.
Until now, I have
tried to listen
by matching the timing of when the other person speaks to me.
That is why it was difficult.
I have my own schedule.
The other person has their own schedule, too.
There are moods as well.
And there is timing.
Trying to align all of that
rarely goes well.
But,
watching my second son, I realized something.
Maybe I should just be the one to look first.
It is okay if it is one-sided.
I can look now.
I can face them now.
When I think that,
I am the one who turns my face first.
I am the one who turns my eyes toward them.
Then,
Our eyes meet.
He smiles.
He starts to babble.
Sometimes nothing happens.
But,
I can at least turn toward him.
That is something I can do even now.
That is what I thought.
This week's record
This week totaled 57 minutes.
Among that, what left an impression was,
being able to talk with my husband about the news for 15 minutes.
This is also something that,
I could not easily do before.
As for time with the children,
with my daughter, it was about 1 to 3 minutes during drop-off and pick-up.
With my eldest son, it was 15 minutes while playing soccer.
With my second son, it was 16 minutes while looking at his face.
Looking back like this,
I still have a long way to go.
If I let my guard down,
I immediately start doing things "while" talking.
When the next day comes,
there are even days when I can't remember what we talked about.
I thought I was talking more.
But in reality, that wasn't the case.
Even so,
I've become able to notice things I wouldn't have noticed before.
I think that is a big change.
So for June,
I've decided to take on a new challenge.
Two minutes a day for each person,
looking at my family's faces.
It's okay if it's one-sided.
It's okay if it's not at the other person's convenience.
First, I will try turning my attention toward them.
I think I'll try making it a month like that ^^
I'll report back again!
I've compiled past reports in another article. If you'd like, please read them and share your thoughts; it would be a huge encouragement!
Writer 📘 Shoko | Someone who wants to keep laughing through every day with family
A mother of three working full-time, currently on childcare leave. "Even in a busy daily life, I want to live in a way that is true to myself, comfortable, and fun with my family." With that thought in mind, I am sharing ways to face my emotions and tips for organizing my relationships with my family.
I am practicing tips for enjoying every day without being swayed by emotions, and challenges that even a working mom can do ^^
📖 E-book "To You Who Don't Want to Get Angry Anymore"
https://amzn.asia/d/bp598I8
🎙 Broadcasting on stand.fm
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I also tweet daily on X (formerly Twitter) → @moromorormoroco
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