Perhaps I understood myself better when I was a child

When I grow up, I want to be popular with everyone

I unearthed a card from the back of a drawer featuring a photo of me with a round face and a gap-toothed grin.

Written on that card in still-wobbly handwriting was this. It was something I made when I graduated from kindergarten.

Wow, I really said that...

As an adult, I was impressed when I saw it. I was surprised that I hadn't written a specific job title, and I felt like I was saying something incredibly essential.

Q. What is your dream for the future? A. Manga artist

When I was a child, every adult would ask me things like, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or "What is your dream for the future?" and there were even sections for that in the profile books we all exchanged.

Because I was asked so often in such a template-like way, I feel like my answers eventually became templates too. Specifically, with the job title of "manga artist."

I think my friends had an influence, and I did actually like drawing. In elementary school, I drew manga in my notebooks and showed them to my friends and teachers. I was even in the manga club!

So I just thought, "I guess I'll be a manga artist." Man, that's simple...

As if to encourage that, there was an event when I was in junior high school that made me think, "Oh, maybe I really do want to be a manga artist..."

It was an autograph session for the author of a manga I was totally obsessed with at the time.

Since it was held to coincide with the release of a new volume, the waiting line was a strange sight, with everyone already buried in the latest book.

It's amazing that so many people who love the same manga are gathered here I thought.

Seeing a real manga artist right in front of me, chatting with readers and drawing requested characters like magic, I thought, "Ah, I want to be like this..."

What is a dream, anyway?

After that, I started enjoying my club activities and became obsessed with playing musical instruments.

The desire to become a manga artist gradually faded... and before I knew it, I had rushed through my university life and ten years as a company employee. I was already doing everything I could just to keep up with what was right in front of me.

Without ever seriously facing what my dream actually was, I spent my time just patching together superficial 'things I want to do.'

Being that kind of superficial version of myself... it's not what I really want!

Thinking that, I decided to step into a new life! I started working as a musical instrument instructor, which was something I had wanted to challenge myself with. But when friends told me, 'It's amazing that you can make a living doing what you love!', I felt a sense of discomfort somewhere...

Honestly, if someone asked me, 'Is this your dream? Have you fulfilled your dream?', I couldn't answer 'Yes, it is!' right away..

I was able to do something I 'just wanted to challenge myself with,' but if you ask me if it's a 'dream,' I'm not sure... It feels like something is different.

So, what was my dream again?

Or rather, what even is a dream?

I want to be popular with everyone

Maybe my dream isn't to become something like a 'manga artist' or a 'musical instrument instructor.'

Surely, those things were just means to fulfill a dream, and perhaps they were 'something' I could have gained beyond that.

What I felt at that autograph session back then, wanting to 'be like that,' wasthe very sight of the manga artist making their fans happy and looking like they were having fun surrounded by those fans.

Seeing the message from little Monaka with her front tooth missing, it somehow made sense to me. I see, you wanted to be popular with everyone, didn't you.

I suddenly remembered. For about three years after joining the company, I had days where I would come home late at night, and there was a period where I couldn't even touch the instruments I loved. I was so moved by a live video of a band I happened to see during that time that I decided I really wanted to do music, and I started playing again.

In this live video, the smiles of the band members responding to the cheers of their fans were dazzling. At the time, I genuinely thought, 'Ah, I'm so jealous!!!'

There is a sense of good energy circulating between the band's performance and the people enjoying it. That space is filled with something incredibly happy.It is an atmosphere that can never be created one-way. It came across clearly even in the video.

I think I have loved those moments when such a happy atmosphere flows ever since I was a child.

In fact, this is also the moment I find "irresistible" while working as an instructor. I absolutely love that feeling when the atmosphere in the classroom brightens up after I share a little tip with a student and they say, "I did it!"

Yes, exactly. Somehow, this is what's good.

I think this way now. Perhaps my dream is to create a happy space and savor the atmosphere of that moment. And if, as a result, I can become "everyone's favorite," that would make me happy.

Lastly... I'd like to quote a sentence from the message my teacher wrote on that graduation card, as it described me quite well.

Perhaps I haven't changed at all in my essence since I was little. I've grown into an adult still loving to take the initiative and create a happy space.

But teacher, let me ask you one thing. What do you mean by "amusing" drawings, rather than "cute" ones...

▼ Actually, my dream of becoming a "manga artist" was quite complicated...

▼ The story of how I suffered even after achieving my dream title

#WritingClub
"Tell me your dream!"